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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn’t go

28 replies

Trappedathome · 19/03/2025 08:41

Many moons ago DH and I had the same boss. He’s now retiring and there’s a do organised for this afternoon. It’s very casual, not catered or anything like that, essentially just a bit of a drink-up. We were both looking forward to going and catching up with colleagues and friends we haven’t seen for ages. We have young children and our relationship has been difficult lately so I’ve also seen it as a chance to connect just as us with no kids. I was going to express milk for the baby and MIL was going to come to ours and sit with DCs for a few hours.

However, last week I got the flu and I’m still really unwell. DH’s job means he works partly day shifts and partly these half night shifts that end in the early hours, somewhere between 1am and 3am. The first couple of days I was ill he was off but then he was on his night shifts. The children are also ill and have been sleeping more than usual, so the first day he was back at work he got up with them after 5 hours sleep as I still physically couldn’t get out of bed. He managed to get some more sleep before work but was very tired. I also had to do bed time which was difficult as I was only able to stand for less than a minute at a time. The toddler ran rings around me.

There was no way I was able to manage them alone and I didn’t want DH to have little sleep again, so I then asked MIL for help. She collected the toddler before breakfast and had him all day, leaving me with the baby which was much easier. I was starting to feel better but yesterday afternoon I took a bad turn. DH said “well you won’t be able to go tomorrow but I have to show my face.” He then said I should ask MIL to come round and help again. I feel it’s a bit cheeky as she’s been running around after me already.

The baby has now got more unwell and is very unsettled, so even if I was well I wouldn’t be going. DH plans to be back for bedtime but I just know that he’ll go, have too much to drink and then either miss bedtime or be unable to help much.

I just feel the day I’ve looked forward to of having a break from being a parent and getting to go out and spend time with DH and friends has now turned into managing 2 sick kids alone whilst unwell and then DH turning up drunk.

YABU - one of you should get to enjoy the day. You shouldn’t both miss out just because one of you is ill.
YANBU - he should stay at home and look after the children so you can rest.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 19/03/2025 08:43

Of course he should go. Just because you can't/don't want to, why does that affect him?

HuffleMyPuffle · 19/03/2025 08:45

Your MIL was going to babysit anyway

He's been doing what he can to support you, sounds like possibly making himself ill to help

Just male sure when you're well again to arrange a meal or something together to have some time of childcare as you had planned

Mindymomo · 19/03/2025 08:45

50/50 on this, in my case my DH would stay home, but I wouldn’t have to ask, he would offer to stay home.

onetwothreefourfive11 · 19/03/2025 08:46

He should go.
you have help from MIL.

Neversick · 19/03/2025 08:47

I agree with him, he should "show his face", but that's not the same as getting home drunk in the early hours.

I also think you we're putting a bit too much on a retirement do, catching up with old friends, as an opportunity to "reconnect". If that's what you need, as MIL to babysit again once you're well.

Also perhaps DH should be the one asking his mother for favours?

VoyageVoyager · 19/03/2025 08:48

He should attend his own retirement party!

redcord · 19/03/2025 08:48

He then said I should ask MIL to come round and help again.

So he means he should ask his mum to come and help, right? So he can 'show his face' knowing that he has set up appropriate support for you. That is OK

Oh no, wait, did he mean you should ask MIL. i.e., it's your problem? That is not so OK.

PullTheBricksDown · 19/03/2025 08:49

Cynic17 · 19/03/2025 08:43

Of course he should go. Just because you can't/don't want to, why does that affect him?

Because he's also a parent and has responsibilities? 🙄

middleagedandinarage · 19/03/2025 08:49

sorry OP, it's rubbish when you've been so unwell and you've been looking forward to it but yabu, it's silly for DH to miss it too and if MIL was already coming to have to kids i'm sure she won't mind still coming to help out

GRex · 19/03/2025 08:50

He's suggesting MIL to help, not that you just manage alone. It sounds like a one-off, so I would be sending him to have fun, yes to get drunk, and just focus on yourself and the kids getting better. Get the toddler to play doctors and just lie down chatting to them.

It is a long time to be poorly, and I hope you get well soon. Do you have an oximeter to double check your oxygen levels? Well worth getting one to use at home if not, next day delivery.

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 19/03/2025 08:50

He should be asking MIL to help, if he wants to go, that's fine, but it's up to him to arrange help since he won't be there.

IMissSparkling · 19/03/2025 08:51

VoyageVoyager · 19/03/2025 08:48

He should attend his own retirement party!

It's not the DH who is retiring. Confused

Meadowfinch · 19/03/2025 09:01

I'd want him to go.

With the job market the way it is, maintaining contact with old colleagues is really important. It's only a few hours and you'll have MIL for support.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/03/2025 09:06

Yeah I think YABU OP. MIL was always going to help anyway, he should go.

IlooklikeNigella · 19/03/2025 09:08

It's his party, no matter how casual and he should go. He won't get the chance again. Ask MIL to help or do whatever is necessary to make things a bit easier for you at home.

And yes book a babysitter and a night out for yourselves.

Original poster
Trappedathome · 19/03/2025 09:09

@redcord yes, it would be up to me to contact her and arrange it. I do have a close relationship with her to be fair but I feel cheeky because she’s changed her plans already to help me through the week.

OP posts:
wowwhataday · 19/03/2025 09:10

VoyageVoyager · 19/03/2025 08:48

He should attend his own retirement party!

I think when he retires he probably will, but back today ….

Original poster
Trappedathome · 19/03/2025 09:12

@GRex No, I don’t have an oximeter. The last time I had the flu was over a decade ago so I can’t remember if it’s normal to feel this bad almost a week in.

OP posts:
redcord · 19/03/2025 09:12

DH plans to be back for bedtime but I just know that he’ll go, have too much to drink and then either miss bedtime or be unable to help much.

But also this. You are anticipating. He has not done this yet.

Reframe it: 'Have a great time. I'm really looking forward to you coming home for bedtime and telling me all about it. I'm gutted to miss it. Think of me, up to my ears in nappies!'

Rather than 'You shouldn't go, because I know you'll be late back'. (i.e You always let me down).

Then if he does turn up late/drunk you can be justifiably pissed off. See how he handles it then, and go from there.

No point wasting energy assuming what has not yet happened (even it does end up as an 'I told you so'!)

Original poster
Trappedathome · 19/03/2025 09:14

Sorry if I worded it strangely. It is not DH’s retirement do but an old boss we both worked for a long time ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trappedathome · 19/03/2025 09:14

redcord · 19/03/2025 09:12

DH plans to be back for bedtime but I just know that he’ll go, have too much to drink and then either miss bedtime or be unable to help much.

But also this. You are anticipating. He has not done this yet.

Reframe it: 'Have a great time. I'm really looking forward to you coming home for bedtime and telling me all about it. I'm gutted to miss it. Think of me, up to my ears in nappies!'

Rather than 'You shouldn't go, because I know you'll be late back'. (i.e You always let me down).

Then if he does turn up late/drunk you can be justifiably pissed off. See how he handles it then, and go from there.

No point wasting energy assuming what has not yet happened (even it does end up as an 'I told you so'!)

That’s fair.

OP posts:
Sunsetsandcocktails · 19/03/2025 09:21

@Trappedathome i may have misread it but why do you have to arrange with MIL for her to come over on the day of the retirement do? This was already arranged according to your first paragraph?

so DH just needs to reconfirm to her ‘thanks for helping Trapped mum, I’m going to go and show my face but will be back at xx time’

GRex · 19/03/2025 09:27

Trappedathome · 19/03/2025 09:12

@GRex No, I don’t have an oximeter. The last time I had the flu was over a decade ago so I can’t remember if it’s normal to feel this bad almost a week in.

It's really worth buying one to keep an eye out, useful for kids once over 4 as well. £15-20 on Amazon, they are all the same so just get the cheapest that will deliver tomorrow.

VoyageVoyager · 19/03/2025 09:28

Trappedathome · 19/03/2025 09:14

Sorry if I worded it strangely. It is not DH’s retirement do but an old boss we both worked for a long time ago.

Oh, sorry, I thought your DH was retiring. Ignore me.

lunar1 · 19/03/2025 09:52

There’s a compromise, he goes for a couple of hours and doesn’t get drunk, why can’t he do that?

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