To feel like I haven't got a clue what to do

[PerfectPennyKilledMyHusband]

My little girl is 16 months old. Since she was born I've read countless books on what kind of parent I want to be. I feel like we sailed through the baby stage but now she's getting older I just don't know what I should be doing.

I had very strict parents, their way of disciplining was to terrify me into submission. I absolutely do not want to be that parent.

But I also have a friend who is very much into "gentle parenting" and her kids are just wild. Think her 4 year old climbing onto and jumping off the self checkout machines in Tesco and her asking her politely to stop and just being ignored.

I know there's a happy medium. And I know I'll figure it out. But now my little girl is getting to the point of me needing to tell her "no" about certain things, does anyone have any tips on how to get off on the right foot with how to manage behaviour? I just want to be the best parent I can and would welcome any advice xx

It's great that you're thinking about this OP, it means you're already off to a great start.

Your friend isn't gentle parenting, she's failing to parent. My version of gentle parenting toddlers and young children looked like this...

Say yes to your children whenever you can over small things that matter to them - don't enforce arbitrary rules that aren't really important.
Have absolute rock solid boundaries about the things that matter to you and are essential to their wellbeing and safety and behaving with consideration for other people.
When you have to enforce a rule, (briefly) explain why it's important in an age appropriate way but do NOT negotiate, and always follow through.
Avoid putting young children in situations that you know are going to be difficult for them if you can avoid it.

Thank you so much, this is so helpful.

Totally agree about arbitrary rules. My mum's favourite phrase through my childhood when I asked why we couldn't do something was "because I said so". It was all very "do as I say not as I do" with no clear boundaries or expectations and just led to me feeling confused and like a naughty child all the time when I really wasn't.

Your explanation of gentle parenting is so more in line with my values than what I've seen from my friend. I really wanted to hear advice from experienced mums so thank you so much for replying!

What the first poster said!

I found the phrase "I will not let you (insert bad behaviour here)" because it sets a boundary to the kid and reinforces to yourself that you need to do something about it if they don't listen to you.

Only say no when you care enough about the issue to do something to stop the behaviour

Be firm, be confident in your decisions, toddlers and kids can smell indecisiveness!

Praise the good. Always and often, praise good behaviour

Also validate and name feelings, but hold the boundary. Try not to using distraction as a technique to avoid conflict, it robs kids of opportunities to master coping with difficult emotions and to develop their resilience.

Eg toddler is angry that you turned off the TV. They're crying and a full on tantrum is brewing.

You say something along the lines of "wow it looks like you're feeling really sad and cross that I said no more TV. I can understand that, I like watching TV too. Its ok to be upset, but TV time has finished for now,"

Wait for the storm to pass, hugs and move on.

Really helpful tips, thank you so much. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes with the responsibility of raising this little person! I really appreciate your advice, thanks

I’ve brought my kids up with very few rules but I do have a big one that they must follow at all times or I lose it and that’s manners.

They can have their way on most things if they ask nicely and are grateful. They must consider others and be polite at all times (so no, they wouldn’t have been allowed to climb all over Tescos!). Everything else, I’m relaxed. They are much older now than your little one but this method has worked out well thus far and they are turning out to be pretty decent humans.

But I just wanted to say, don’t be scared of getting it wrong. The most terrifying thing to accept being a parent is that you will make mistakes. Your child will throw things back at you on occasion and you will think to yourself that you could have handled something better. That’s ok.

Another good tip is to always be one step ahead and decide if you are going to say yes to something, say it straight away. For example, if you need to take your DD shopping and you know that she is going to ask for some sweets or a kids magazine or whatever, either say "yes, of course!" the first time they ask (assuming they have asked politely!), or tell them no AND THEN STICK TO IT. This teaches them not to pester.

I read some research claiming that we tend to see parenting along a scale from 'dictator' to 'wimp' (i.e. strict to gentle parenting). But actually, there are 2 important dimensions.

One is about who sets the rules and boundaries. Clear boundaries and fair rules are important to make a child feel secure in a safe predictable world. A lack of boundaries and a chaotic environment make a kid badly behaved or anxious or both.

But the second dimension is loving and attentive - a good parent is loving and listens to their child and gives attention.

Some parents can be bad because they show love but don't have boundaries or have arbitrary unpredictable boundaries. Others are bad because they have boundaries but never show love.

So what you are aiming for is to have both - be the authority but also be loving. And then you'll do a great job.