To wonder what a true narcissist is?

[Hunnshine]

So I know this word gets thrown around a lot and most of the time this isn’t the case about somebody. Since splitting up from my ex I have started to wonder if I was dealing with a narcissist. So I will start off with his background, he was brought up my his gran as his mother wasn’t very maternal, gran was very possessive and even accused me of taking him away from her and I was only 17. He could honestly never be wrong and was so selfish to the point where I had been pregnant and bf for almost 3 years and I had a planned night out, he agreed he would be back to take care of the kids so that I could go out and after getting myself all dressed up and excited, he didn’t turn up u til 11pm and apparently I knew he was going out?

he met somebody else almost immediately after the breakup. He always prioritised his needs over mine and was out most nights leaving me to the childcare. In the beginning I couldn’t fault him at all, I still can’t believe that I am even considering this. When our daughter was 2 weeks old he left as he couldn’t handle it and I stupidly took him back. He calls me a psycho now but I think under the circumstances I have been quite reasonable. Sorry for the long post but I I think it’s only when you take yourself away from something you kind of realise.

I am not perfect by all means and am fully aware I contributed to the split.

No-one here can diagnose narcissism, especially on MN when it's bandied about so much.

Either way it doesn't matter. He's a selfish arse and you're well rid of him.

Thank you for your reply, I don’t think I am after diagnosis but I am just so sick of feeling like I am the psycho because of what he says. Since we split it is like he has disappeared off the face of the earth.

Only a qualified medical professional can diagnose NPD and even if that happened I am not sure it would help you

Markle, Trump ...

Someone who loves themself (possible compensating for deeper self loathing) and encourages others to adore them.

Someone unable to consider other people's feelings or put others before themself unless it serves them and enhances their self image.

Someone who lacks empathy but wants to show they are empathic in order to attain praise and adoration.

Narcissists range, the definition of a narc is one that controls every aspect of one's life and doesn't allow room to manouver, tells you what you can wear what to spend money on and where is goes, blames you for every wrong doing even if its them self they are never wrong, in order to recognise a true narc you need to study Narcissism it's too long winded for a comment,.

I agree the word is overused. My ex had many narcissistic traits and behaviours but, after five years of trying to heal from many years with him, I still question whether there's a difference between narcissistic and just plain old abuse.

My Women's Aid support worker said all abusers are narcissists. I'm still not sure that is the case. Are all narcissists abusers? The people I know with strong narcissistic tendencies have certainly been abusive in one way or another. I don't think it's ever black and white.

@Hunnshine your ex sounds no different to any other abuser - blaming you, stopping you from doing something for yourself and the rest.

but I am just so sick of feeling like I am the psycho because of what he says

Be aware that he will say anything to make you feel insecure, unhappy, anything to lower your self esteem, to have you doubting yourself. This stems from his own insecurity. You need to realise that much of what he ever said to you may well not be true, the big things as well as the little; they can be very good liars and very believable.

I I think it’s only when you take yourself away from something you kind of realise.

When you are with them they keep your mind filled with them intentionally so that you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is. With freedom comes clarity and then you can start to heal

Since we split it is like he has disappeared off the face of the earth.

Be grateful! But be aware that he might be back and feeling that you need punished. Never rest on your laurels with these fuckers.

But you question it don’t you? I mean is the that even abuse?

For a very brief time we've tried couples therapy. In my private session, the therapist - who was a psychiatrist - mentioned the word 'narcissist' to me when describing my husband.
My husband basically literally thinks that he is the best. His opinion is always correct. He has the best taste in everything. This did not come up immediately in our relationship (or I would have run for the hills) and this is not something he repeats on a daily basis, but regularly enough, especially when we are arguing. On a day to day basis, I have accepted this but I will leave once my children are older. He knows this. It is just so incredibly weird/frustrating etc. to be constantly talking to someone who thinks this of himself. An example: we live in the countryside (his wish), but I like city living. Whenever someone mentions our nice house/region etc., he will look triumphantly around and declare: of course we live in the best place. He thinks my opinions are stupid, as his views are always best. Whenever he gets trumped on something (not getting a promotion, for instance), the blame is put with others. I cannot fathom how someone so 'ordinary' would think so highly of himself, but here we are. I have an inner voice that is constantly questioning me on whether I do it right, but his voice apparently says non-stop 'you're the best'. So yes, for that reason I think real narcissists exist (but who am I😂)

Yes, I suppose you do question it when you have been trained to accept their behaviour. I had no idea of what a healthy relationship looked like growing up (this was before the days of the internet) so I took the red flags my then boyfriend was waving in my face as part of the duty I had to stay with and go on to marry him. I will regret that till my dying day.

We are better informated now, hopefully, so if you can see that someone doesn't have your best interests at heart or treat you with kindness then you can take steps to protect yourself from them.

@TSnewbie oh, do I hear you!

I would say the term narcissist is underused. In my experience it’s a very common outcome of childhood emotional abuse. Once you have a run in with a narcissist it’s very easy to spot the pattern when you encounter it again. It’s not nuanced or something only a skilled professional could pick up, it’s a collection of fairly predictable destructive behaviors.