Visiting/ speaking to parents when living abroad

[Ponderingwonderingallday]

To keep this short! I am from abroad, a two hour flight away, and live in the UK with my own family (DH and DS). I have never gotten over the guilt of not moving "back home" but despite trying to find jobs etc. it just didn't work out and we are now really settled here. I video chat my parents every morning before school so they get to see their grandchild (not on weekends) and I visit every 2-3 months, and we usually stay the entire summer holidays. They are fit and well but only visit once a year. Do you think I make enough of an effort? I think it's the guilt that keeps me wondering...

You are in plenty of contact. I grew up abroad and saw my grandparents once a year. And International phone calls were rare!
My kids grandparents live in different countries and we see in inlaws and DM once or twice a year and my DF every 3 or 4 years (its a 10 hour flight). And we video called more when kids were little, but would talk to them a few times a month now.
Just don't make your only holidays going "home", I resented it so much as a child. Everyone else got to see the world and sunshine. I got the west of Ireland in the rain.

Thank you so much turkeyboots. I love Ireland! But yeah maybe a bit wet and rainy...
I suppose that's true, and I know plenty of people that live near family who really don't get on! Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that...

Same story here.

If we were in another part of our native country than the GPs they wouldn't see us more. It would easily be the same hours of travelling.

You’re choosing to feel guilt. No one owes their parents geographical proximity, or should feel limited to living in the same country as them. I spent over 30 years of my life living on the other side of the world to my parents. I hope DS will explore the works too, once he’s older!

Sounds plenty to me.

My parents are in Australia. I e-mail them daily. I call them about once a week. I visit them every 2 years-ish and they visit me every 2 years-ish so it works out once every 14-16 months roughly. Neither visits are longer than 2 weeks.

Now my parents are chronically ill so can't travel. I visited in January. We all will go in August and I will go again alone around march next year unless I need to be there earlier.

Where is the guilt coming from OP? Moving to a different country from the one you grew up in and building a life there is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do. Some families would think that it's a great thing, and would feel proud of you.

I did the same myself, and have also struggled massively with guilt. In my case, my parents have always seen my move as a betrayal and a rejection of them and their life. And quite honestly, in some ways, for me, it is. The guilt is something I have had to work on a lot, along with wider sense of not feeling good enough. Do you relate to any of that?

Well yes exactly this, @MumChp ! We tried to move there (purely to be closer to them, to be perfectly honest), but because DH is in a very specialised field at work, it would have either been hundreds of miles commuting a week or living 4 hours away. We then thought, whether we are 4 hours by car or 2 hours by plane is insignificant really.

Oh yes, I relate to all of this @Lottapianos ! Thank you for your kind post. I hope you were able to work through it all and living a happy life. I have always, despite having lovely friends and family "back home", kind of felt that I didn't really belong there. I also often feel like would it actually make eveyrone happier if we went to live there?

I can't believe how much you do! They never have time to miss you and you won't be able to keep this up.

I understand the guilt though.

My parents are mostly pretty good and supportive of the fact I live so far away- but my mother (whose specialist subject is emotional manipulation) occasionally falters. And she's good at getting others to pass the message on- the friend who says 'Oh your mother cries every day on my shoulder because she can't see the DCs as often as she wants'. But when they make the journey they still don't stay any longer than 2 weeks- on a couple of occasions it has been 8 days. It barely seems worth it to me to fly all the way to the UK for 8 days. They are retired and exceptionally solvent (they holiday abroad several times a year) so who knows.

But they are old now and it's just going to be a downhill trajectory so we are at the stage where I have to be there more often.

Also I really do not want to live in Australia. I never felt I belonged there and I have spent the past 26 years living in Europe. It is where I feel 'right'. Every time I go to Australia I feel a total fish out of water. I can see though a time where I will have to spend a few months at a time there though. But with a 14 year old and 12 year old at home that will be hard to manage.

Thank you. It makes me happy to think that I do enough. Yeah I am unsure how I will be able to keep it up- right now I can make it work with work but I will probably have to retrain in a few years and then it won't be possible... I just wonder sometimes if it would be better if we as a family moved back to my home country and make the best of it so I don't have to feel so guilty anymore and can be there to help! I would be easier if my parents visited more often but they are very reluctant! I never know if it's because they feel they are intruding...

@Ponderingwonderingallday , I absolutely relate to feeling that you don't really belong in your home country. Maybe that's because you / I don't! Some people have to go out and find a home of their own for themselves

It might be worth asking yourself whether there really is anything you could do that would make your family 'happier'? I learned that as far as my family is concerned, my place is in the wrong, so I need to do what feels right for me. The guilt is ongoing but I can manage it much better thanks to a lot of therapy.

For what it's worth, I think that is LOADS of contact with your family. I don't see what more you could be doing

I understand you! I suppose once the time comes you'll manage it somehow...

I’m in the same boat, OP
I used to go “home” for a long weekend every 2/3 months, with DH and DC (flights are cheap, plenty of them, top holiday destination), plus longer stays at Christmas, Easter and sunmer.
Nowadays, elderly parents and a guilt tripping sibling, I go every 3 weeks, sometimes 2, for a weekend, on my own, as have to cover the carers’ days off (siblings won’t do it). I am knackered (work ft) and DH is very unhappy about it. I suffer from anxiety in the week before flying out and sometimes for days after I’m back because my live-in sibling is a VERY dificult person and enjoys attacking me and the guilt tripping. There are 2 carers 24/7, btw, sibling just lives there and doing their own thing.
I call daily, am and pm, and am in constant contact with the carers.
Be very careful and do not allow the guilt feeling to take over.

You're doing better than me. I talk to my mum 2-3 times a week and visit twice a year. I would like to visit more often, but that's already almost half my annual leave allowance. The guilt is growing as they are getting older. It's hard.

Sounds plenty to me.

My in laws live in Australia. We have a family WhatsApp group which we share updates on (probably every few days). We video call them every other weekend.
We have a busy calendar between work, school and activities. This is plenty for us and them. They also work and have other grandchild in Australia. I think my DH speaks to them more over the week.

Visiting is harder due to the distance but we average every 18 months ish either we go there or they come here (they come here more as its easier for them to travel)

We (me and DH) have guilt we don't see / speak to the enough but if we move then we would be doing the same thing with my family. Its a no win situation really. We just have to make the most of it.

Oh I am so sorry to hear that. What a tough situation!! I can't believe your sibling either- how do they get away with that behaviour?! I really do hope your situation will improve at some point. Sending you a hug.

You make way more effort than I ever would. I suppose you probably have a good relationship with your parents and hope you aren’t doing it out of guilt and obligation.

I personally would only speak to my mum every few weeks (though we would message in between). Video calling every day before school seems too much and potentially unsettling. My mum would come to visit us for a week 2-3 times a year. I only visited her with my eldest dc once (when she was 4), but it’s a long haul flight and prohibitively expensive even just for me to make the journey (my mum was retired and very well off, so was nothing to her to drop £800 on a flight. Not possible to do it with the four of us though).

Given the set up you describe though, I would worry it is prioritising your parents over your ds and Dh. I assume your ds is still quite young, but as they get older, mornings are more stressful, with homework to remember and sports kit to pack up and potentially a long bus ride to school. A daily video call will not be easy to sustain. And what about your Dh, does he travel with you and spend summers there as well? I wouldn’t be taking my child away from their dad and their friends for the whole of the summer. Do they visit you?

long story, behaviour has always been a problem, too late to act now!

Thank you @mindutopia for your post. Yes, I have to say the daily video call is getting way too much for me as well. It kind of feels pointless as there is not much to say and whilst DS absolutely loves his grandparents, he doesn't enjoy video calling at all and it ends with me chasing him round the room... I am trying to wiggle out of it somehow but don't want to upset my mum.
We do have a very good relationship and I am sorry that I cannot see them more often, but over the years I think the guilt has definitely taken over the rational thinking sometimes. For example, they are thankfully very fit and well but won't come over to visit much...in regards to the summer, DH comes with us for a combined half of the summer holidays as he cannot work from abroad. It works because my mum loves to do the childcare and I can then work. As for his friends, they are still quite young really and they are all mostly away as well in the summer so that doesn't really matter too much for now. Just to add as well, it is easy for me to visit- it's not long haul and the flights are relatively cheap, it sounds as if you are much further away

You're already doing a great deal!

I live overseas, my parents and my adult DD are in the UK. DD and I whatsapp almost every day, try and speak once a week (can be difficult with time difference and both of us working and her weekend plans). I speak to my parents on video call fortnightly.

When I was little, we lived in Devon and all grandparents and mum's extended family lived in Bedford. There was no email, no mobiles, no video calls. Your parents are lucky to see your children as they do, they certainly wouldn't have grown up seeing their own family like that. My mum called her mum once a week and we visited only once or twice a year; her mum wasn't well enough to travel and didn't drive. Dad's mum came on the coach a couple of times, she was actually older but in better health.

That's plenty of contact!
I live abroad, my parents in the UK, and they video call me once every month or so and I visit with the kids every few years. My mum usually comes over once a year, my dad much more rarely but my children have a great relationship with their grandparents, particularly my youngest.

The thing is as well, I am from a village where noone ever moves, so if I was to go back there, it would literally be like seeing all old people from school etc. every day, the gossip, etc. Whenever we tried to move back it just ended up not working out... So the only reason to move back would be really to help my parents which I am not sure is a good enough reason on it's own if that makes sense