dd won't co-operate in therapy

[dogpeoplearebetter]

Hi all,
So my DD (almost 14) will not co-operate in therapy whatsoever. She is in therapy for a myriad of issues such as low self esteem, phobias, poor social skills and serious mental illness/mental instability but we've been through several therapists and none have really clicked with her. She doesn't feel comfortable telling most of them anything at all, because she fears they may tell us (her parents) about the issues she confides in them as well as a few other reasons I won't really go into now. She hates herself and creates personas of other people, she has imaginary friends that she talks to, but i think she's comfortable in her sadness because she just will not do anything the therapist tells her to do or take any of the improvements they suggest to her. She just thinks it will be fixed if she sits there and does nothing and doesn't co-operate. Therapy is expensive and I figure, what's the point if she isn't doing anything? AIBU to want to stop paying for therapy if she keeps this charade up/doesn't work on herself at all?!
Thanks

Have you spoken to her about it? What does she want to do? I'd have a conversation about if she's feeling its not helpful for her then you can stop it, with an option to revisit later if she wants?

I'd be wary of just stopping if you feel it's getting no results though as she might think you're just taking it away from her.

If she is happy to go , I would keep at it for some time (how long has she been going? To each one) she needs time to build the relationship and trust with them before she will feel able to open up.

My teen DD won't engage either. We've been though 4 one session attempts with various counsellors and she just won't leave the house after the first one.

It's very frustrating. I just hope she might feel able to do it in a year or so.

What else are you and she doing to boost her self esteem, social skills etc ?

Encourage her to get out of the house, try different hobbies and activities not linked with school, eg martial arts class, drama clubs, rock climbing, anything, everything

let her continue with the therapy for now - she needs to feel safe with a therapist before she can engage. I'm assuming the therapist specialises in teenagers ?

She may need more of a mental health intervention before she gets to the therapy stage. Either way, you can’t force it. Just support her as best you can.

Therapy can't help unless the client is committed to using it to get somewhere they want to be and has at least a moderate amount of confidence in the process and the therapist.
It's already tricky that DD isn't paying for it herself (obviously she can't, she's too young!) so in effect you are employing the therapist to help DD deal with issues you are worried about, which is a very different dynamic.
If she's not benefitting I don't think there is much point in continuing to pay for it, sadly.

The therapist shouldn’t be telling her what to do, often parents send kids to therapy to be “fixed”and get quickly annoyed when their child doesn’t get better to a timeline.

Therapy is often a support and a safe space for kids and your daughter is saying she doesn’t feel safe because she thinks the therapist will share what she’s said. Is that something that has happened before now? It can take time to find the right person and honestly if your daughter doesn’t want to be there, no person will be the right fit.

What are you hoping your daughter gets from therapy, and does your daughter agree with those goals?

Art Therapy?

Equine Therapy?

Eco Therapy?

@Swiftie1878 What would a mental health intervention look like?

Did she ask to go to therapy?

Did she choose the therapist?

@Jellycatspyjamas I just want her to be happy and be able to confide in somebody, maybe work on her social skills, give her to ability to meet people. She doesn't want to get better. She's not happy like this but she's been around sadness for so long she's accepted there isn't a way out and won't even think of a goal. I'm pushing for her to have hope.

Does she want therapy? Can you afford it? What is your alternative plan? How many sessions has she had with each therapist?
does she speak to you?

Does she like gaming at all? There are several places that offer gaming therapy that might help her begin to engage in a non threatening way.

https://uk.minds.care/

https://mindjam.org.uk/

https://www.game-therapy.co.uk/

You'd be surprised how common this is. My niece was the same when she was self harming. She would just sit in silence in sessions and say absolutely nothing. We never did get to the bottom of what was going on for her and why she was so unhappy.

What modality of therapy have you tried? In psychoanalytic psychotherapy, the gold standard is therapy for the child and parent work for the adults. The child's therapist doesn't interact with the parents at all. The parent worker and the child's therapist work together to support the therapy and create the privacy buffer between parents and child.

Also this form of therapy explores non verbal communication a lot, so a child who on the surface 'doesn't engage' can still be doing good therapeutic work.

Have a look at the ACP website
childpsychotherapy.org.uk/resources-families/find-child-psychotherapist

Going back many years to when I tried therapy - sitting there opposite an adult with a clip board and pen taking notes while you open up was absolutely horrendous and I never went back. It wasn’t for me and it sounds like the wrong approach for your dd.

Building self esteem by talking about all the crap things in your life is completely the wrong focus imo.

@Iwilladmit She didn't want therapy, I can afford it, no alternative plan as of now and she stayed with each therapist at least a year. No, she doesn't talk to me, she talks to nobody.

At the very least the therapy may be somehow proving to her that you care and stop her feeling isolated? I’m sorry she is going through this.
when you say she has been around sadness for a long time, what do you mean?

It sounds like she has quite severe mental health issues and may need added support before she can engage with therapy. Is she on any kind of medication?

Seeing a psychologist, being assessed for Bi-polar, depression etc. She may need medication before she’s even able to consider therapy with a counsellor. I’d try to get her a medical referral first.

Best of luck xx

@biscuitsandbooks She refuses medication (I think its a John Nash type thing that she said, it makes her feel weird and loopy?) We've tried quite a few doses but she seems to be okay without it in everyday life. I'm not opposed to medication but getting a referral is difficult.

If she doesn't want therapy it won't help. I know it is hard to watch our children struggling but until she wants help there is very little you can do except give her space and time. It took a few years for my offspring to come to a place where they felt they wanted therapy. Years of me giving them space, offering a non judgemental ear and encouraging and supporting them in ways they would accept. A lot of those were non verbal.

@Iwilladmit She's been around sad situations most her life. We've had alot of people close to her/her best friends die, I went through a nasty divorce, she has confidence issues etc.

It doesn’t sound like she’s coping if she’s at the stage of creating alter egos - in fact that would make me worry about some kind of personality disorder as well as poor mental health.

Has she received any official diagnoses?

Well, she’s not OK if she’s become happy to stay in her sadness.
See a doctor. Be persuasive that her current existence shouldn’t and doesn’t need to be accepted. She can get better.