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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know if adult DS is coming home

19 replies

InstantDestiny · 18/03/2025 07:16

Adult DS 23 has lived here since coming back from Uni.

Just got any motorbike which tbh makes me really anxious.

Sometimes doesn’t come home at night. I have asked him just to text me to let me know, don’t want details, just let me know if he’s coming home or not.

Older DS and DD don’t live here and older DS is having a go at me saying he and DD don’t have to “check in” with me so why should younger DS.

Surely this is just manners right?

OP posts:
ladymammalade · 18/03/2025 07:28

Totally agree with you - I’ve had both my young adults live here on and off and it’s a house rule! They didn’t need it demanded of them - I explained that I’d worry if they didn’t come home without me being aware they were staying out, so they’d always keep me posted. As you say, basic manners.

FrenchandSaunders · 18/03/2025 07:30

Yes he should send a quick text, hardly difficult is it.

Regardless of age it’s basic manners for anyone living together. If I decided to stay at a friends after a night out I would let DH know and I’m in my 50s.

My DCs have left home now but I used to hate getting up to see an empty room and no message from them.

DenholmElliot11 · 18/03/2025 07:32

Yes, it's good manners to tell the people you live with that you won't be coming home so you can lock and up go to bed etc etc.

Zanatdy · 18/03/2025 07:34

Yes I’d want to know if they were coming home or not, and my mum would have definitely wanted to know.

Agix · 18/03/2025 07:37

DenholmElliot11 · 18/03/2025 07:32

Yes, it's good manners to tell the people you live with that you won't be coming home so you can lock and up go to bed etc etc.

Why don't they have their own keys and are able to put themselves to bed if they're adults?!

OP, you need to be honest with your son. Explain it's not because he's obligated to report to you, since he's an adult, but you just worry and would appreciate a quick text so you don't worry.

If he hears that and still doesn't want to, what are you going to do? I mean, really? Are you prepared to throw him out over this? Wouldn't you worry more to never hear from him, if you're worrying after only one night?

If you would feel better with him gone, then I'd say your desire for him to report to you isn't worry. It's some kind of control thing, which you need to think about. Why do you need the control? Is it the principle of it being your own house? Are there practical difficulties?

Look at your own feelings and reasoning for needing an adult to report to you and then move forward when you know exactly why you want him to. You'd probably be able to figure out whether you're being unreasonable or not.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 18/03/2025 07:49

He has keys so I can lock up.

i just want to know he’s safe, esp since he got a motorbike.

No of course I would not kick him out over it, it’s a respect thing isn’t it?

I tell him if I am not coming home.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 18/03/2025 07:49

YANBU - it’s a common courtesy. I would expect anyone I lived with to text to say they weren’t going to be home that night.

NewsdeskJC · 18/03/2025 08:03

Until you have kids I don't think that you understand this. So I get adult children thinking it's an invasion of privacy.
When mine were at Uni/had left home I never gave it a thought as to where they were. But there's something deep set that if they are supposed to be home and not, I can't settle.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 18/03/2025 08:03

Sometime mine tell me they are staying out and in the morning I wake up and they are here, and vice versa, it's infuriating.

Can he share his location with you through his phone so he doesn't have to check in but you can see where he is before you go to bed.

My eldest 25 shares his, its great cause I can see if he has gone to his girlfriends after work or if he is on his way home and I know if I need to cook lol

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/03/2025 08:06

It's basic safety. If someone tells you they'll be home but don't turn up, you can check they're OK.

If someone tells you they're not coming home and you hear someone in your house, you can investigate.

ComeAsYouAreAsAFriend · 18/03/2025 08:06

InstantDestiny · 18/03/2025 07:49

He has keys so I can lock up.

i just want to know he’s safe, esp since he got a motorbike.

No of course I would not kick him out over it, it’s a respect thing isn’t it?

I tell him if I am not coming home.

I tell him if I am not coming home.

Maybe next time don't tell him and see how he feels not knowing where you are. It is basic respect, why would he want you worrying about him instead of sending just a simple message that take seconds.

ForFunGoose · 18/03/2025 08:06

I understand your concerns but I understand his frustration too, living with adult children is really hard.

I voted YABU because at 23 nights out evolve quite quickly.

user1492757084 · 18/03/2025 08:18

At 23 your son needs to tell you when he is not coming home or going to be extra late if:

  • he is expected to be home for a guest or event,
  • he is due to cook that night,
  • he said he would be eating with you and he changes his mind,
  • it is horrific weather and he knows you will worry because of the motorbike,
  • his extra late arrival noise could disrupt your sleep.

So, just at times when common courtesy would prevail.
Try to accept that no news is good news. Be pleased that your son has a social life and friends.
Convince DS to take an Advanced Motorcycle Riding and Safety Course. Gift him the course rather than worry or impose inappropriate reporting to his flatmate.

Togglebullets · 18/03/2025 08:23

She isn't a 'flatmate' though? If he wants a 'flatmate' relationship then he needs to find a shared house/flat. He is choosing to live at home and that's a different beast altogether.

I agree that a quick text to say he's staying out is entirely reasonable.

CrotchetyQuaver · 18/03/2025 08:24

I think letting you know if he's not coming home that night is just basic courtesy. Leaving aside the motorbike, you don't want to be accidentally locking him out. Accidentally on purpose though might help him decide to let you know in advance. I think I'd be using the immortal parental line, this isn't a bloody hotel...

5128gap · 18/03/2025 08:25

I don't think its a big ask for an adult man to take less than a minute to put his mothers mind at rest. Refusing on principle because he's an adult would be unnecessarily mean. My DC have always let me know they're safe and I do the same for them. Hardly onerous.

Nooa · 18/03/2025 08:25

In this scenario he should tell you if he's not coming home, BUT it's because you are the person he lives with, not because you are his mother.
It's normal to keep flatmates in the loop generally if you're going away for a night, or just staying over at someone else's spontaneously. This is so they can report you missing if you don't turn up.
I think you should rephrase it to him as common sense safety, nothing to do with being his parent.
I do understand your worry, but this is not his responsibility, so do not mention worrying. Go for the flatmate safety angle.

BeaAndBen · 18/03/2025 08:28

I put the bolts on the door when we’re all in for the night. I expect all adult offspring living here to tell me if they’re not coming back so I know whether to bolt the door.

It’s not intrusive or disrespectful to expect to be told this. If I had extended family staying - my parents, say, - they would also text if the decided to stay overnight with friends rather than coming back to mine.

Basic manners.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/03/2025 08:39

Totally agree with you

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