For this small matter to be a deal breaker?

[Ifiwerea]

My boyfriend of 6 months refuses to follow me on social media. I follow him. His profile is public (and so is mine). He says he doesn’t like to follow the women he’s dating.

He has also put lots of photos from our travels online, but never with me in them.

He doesn’t seem to be keeping me a secret in the real world. I’ve met all his friends and family.

I just spotted him liking the photo of a very attractive woman that I believe is an ex of his, a few days ago. She has also been liking his posts.

This feels enormous to me. Perhaps it shouldn’t and perhaps I’m being very immature and insecure, but to like a pretty photo of another woman that he clearly knows well, while he won’t even follow me, let alone post a photo with me or like any of my photos, feels an absolute deal breaker, for reasons I can’t really articulate.

Am in being utterly ridiculous to bring this up?

Honestly? Really?? Are you both --'influencers'?

I work in social media for a big corporation and he’s just a heavy social media user. I’m surprised how many people find this unusual. It’s very normal in my circles.

I’d look for another field to work in as this one seems to have made you extremely immature and rather pathetic.

46???!!!!!!!

When you say you work in social media, do you mean you’re an influencer or, say, an employee social media manager for a company?

If you’re an influencer and/or make money from your social media I think it’s perfectly reasonable that he doesn’t follow as that’s your work (ditto if he is an influencer), and he might not be interested in seeing that.

If it’s your personal social media, then it is a bit of a red flag - I could get over it, but if you can’t then throw him back and find another.

Jesus Christ what's wrong with the lot of you?

You're like a pack of hyenas, collecting to tear strips off someone.

I've been on MN since it was all fields more years than I care to remember but this isn't whip smart vipers, it's simply bullying.

Get a hobby that doesn't involve shitting on people.

OP, I'd agree to be wary it's not a good sign, unless he had a solid reason e.g. does he have DC and he's not ready to tell them he's dating? If not, and if he uses social media then it could well be a sign he's not that serious about the relationship. How do you feel about him?

He's keeping himself open to invites from other women. No one is going to DM him or like his photos if you are in them.

Maybe after 6 months you think you have a boyfriend.
He on the other hand isn’t thinking that deeply about it at all.

I'm your age and I can't relate at all. I have been dating too in the last couple of years and some have lasted a few months here and there but it sounds like you get way more involved much quicker than I do. I would have no idea what their exes look like and I wouldn't have met their parents so soon. It's far too soon to know if this is going to become a relationship at this stage. I think the problem is that you see him as a boyfriend and he sees you as someone he's dating and he wants to keep his options open and not signal to the world (of women) that he is taken.

You’re getting a hard time OP - the voting suggests differently to the comments so far. I can see why it would upset you and I would find it odd that he would refuse to follow you on social media and not put any pics up of you whilst being in contact with an ex over social media. (This is coming from someone who rarely posts anything on social media).

You need to have an honest conversation with him about it though.

He is absolutely my boyfriend and has been referring to himself accordingly for a long while now.

He says he never does when it’s someone he’s dating. I’m not convinced by that.

The relationship has been really serious from quite early on and everything else indicates he is very serious.

How do you know he’s liking photos of an ex? Are you stalking her pics?

she was repeatedly liking all his posts and I wanted to know who she was. Her profile was public. He had liked a few of her recent (very attractive) posts.

So yes. I suppose I was.

For those in long term relationships I realise this is mind boggling. If you’ve been in the hellscape that is the modern dating world, you may be more sympathetic.

I think you really need to slow this right down. He isn't as all in as he is trying to make you think. You have kids and yourself to protect here. Take your time and let the relationship develop at a slower pace. It's only been a few months, you cannot know that this is a good guy at all.

It’s a “hellscape” because you make it a “hellscape”.

Checking out who’s liked what, who’s following who, what people look like, who the ex’s are.

Just stop

Enjoying the moment

Social Media is a toxic swap… and as the great Moira Rose said “an echo chamber for narcissists”

I don’t follow my husband on SM, have no idea what he’s liked on there. Also don’t follow my daughter, and a number of my relatives … feels too intrusive.

His actions are speaking louder than his words and it looks like he's just not that into you. I'm a similar age and would be devastated in your situation.

The strange thing is that it’s so at odds with the rest of his behaviour. In every other part of his life I am very present, and he talks about long term plans very often.

I know you work on social media
But FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA !!!!!!
It has the younger people of today tormented , disappointing to see it’s having that effect on People in their mid 40s 🤷🏻‍♀️…
That aside , I would also be disappointed if I went on holidays with my bf , 6 months in or not , still your bf , eventhough early & he put photos up of our holiday but not any that I am in !!
If he didn’t put up any , then I wouldn’t be bothered at all , but he did ……

I’m a similar age to you, work in a social-media adjacent role, use social media a lot and been in a post-divorce relationship for a little over a year.

Have never once looked to see who has liked my boyfriend’s posts, let alone followed up to check the profiles of those people.

So yeah, you make your own stress. You don’t have to do this to yourself or him.

I was about to vote YABU until I got to the bit about him liking some ex girlfriend's posts.

I am not a huge social media user, in fact, I don't even think my wife and are are Facebook friends, but if he is interacting with other women and not you, I think that's a tad disrespectful even this early in your relationship. There could be other extenuating circumstances though, and the devil is always in the detail.

Personally, if social media is such a big thing for you @Ifiwerea , I would probably look for someone more aligned to your thinking.

Talk is cheap OP. It really looks like he wants to "hide" you, not from everyone (the people you met) but for some woman he's dating/trying to date on the side. He posted no picture with you in them deliberately and he doesn't want to follow you/you following him because he's got a secret life he wants to keep hidden. If it barks like a dog it probably is a dog.

He wants to appear single to women he doesn’t know closely.

Putting your 2 threads together, you think you're in a serious relationship. He thinks the two of you are dating. He's keeping his options open and not investing financially in your family events. Regardless of what he's saying to you, his actions show that he's not all in.

In time he might come to feel the same way as you do, but he's not there now.

You need to have a conversation with him and then decide what you want

I think he’s keeping his options well open, did you ask why you don’t feature in any photos? It feels very disrespectful and it sounds like you could do much better