Uneasy about MIL childcare

[Acornpip]

First of all I know in general Mumsnet hates grandparents providing childcare and I am not planning to take advantage of MIL.

MIL is DESPERATE to look after DS who has just turned 1, when I return to work in a few weeks. He is enrolled in nursery 4 days already and we could not get 5 days so MIL will have him for the other day. Shes over the moon with this and is desperate to have him for 3 or 4 days.

The fact is this would save us a significant amount of money and my DH is really keen for it but it’s making me feel uneasy. Hes asked me why and I feel I can’t articulate the real reasons to him as they seem silly, but I hate thinking she will have so much input into his life and that she will spend more time with him than I do. She has provided full time childcare for DSIL for several years and has interfered so much into their lives DSIL confides in me she hates it and it was a factor in their decision to relocate.

So as MIL now has no DGC to look after she’s desperate to have DS. I know she’s so excited and she’s spent a fortune already buying new equipment like a new pram and cot to have at hers.

AIBU to keep him in nursery for this reason? And how do I explain it to DH so that he understands?

YANBU. Trust your instinct.

Nursery isn’t just for childminding. It helps with their development and social skills. Being with other children they learn so much. That’s how I would sell it to hubby. And based on what your SiL has said, you don’t want MiL to start interfering in your family. One day a week with grandma is plenty for any child. Consider the money an investment in your child’s future. And forewarned is forearmed…

it is depressing how many DILS feel comfortable for not allowing MILS to help with childcare. I taught a girl many years ago who confided in pastoral support that she was hit and abused at home. It was upsetting, physical and emotional abuse. There was talk of foster care but in the end she stayed at home (teens). I saw her recently and she has had a child. He Mum is heavily involved in childcare. I obviously didn't say anything about the past but she defended her decision by explaining, it was what she knew and how she has been brought up.
There are a lot of mothers on MN who allow their mothers who they admit to having been abusive to help care for their children.They won't tolerate any input from in laws.
There was a post recently from a woman defending her decision not to allow her former Primary Head MIL to help care for their child. She said she wasn't comfortable because it would feel like a stranger helping to raise her child.
These mothers will then complain about the lack of interest from in laws in years to come.
I also think it minimises a the father's emotional attachment to his own childhood

One day a week is plenty of family are providing childcare. It is very tiring looking after young children. She may be enthusiastic now but the novelty may wear off when she sees how tiring it is. My friend’s parents looked after her child 2/3 days per week and found it really hard in the end. They were early 60s. I think one day a week allows them to still be a grandparent and not a childminder. Nursery is also great for their development

YANBU. To MIL I'd present it as simulation and learning social skills with others of their own age in nursery. I'd tell DH that you're worried things will turn out for you as they did for DSIL. I think 1 day a week is great but beyond that go with your instinct.

Don’t do it! My MIL was sick a lot and it was me who ended up covering childcare by eating up my holiday allowance. It was exhausting. Much better to have a reliable arrangement with a nursery.

Aside from that, the quality of your relationship with MiL is paramount to make things work for your child. If you don’t feel you have a strong enough relationship to withstand you standing up for what your child needs, that’s your call. You and DH need to have an arrangement you’re both comfortable with.

One day of Grandma care will be a big help.
If you've already enrolled for nursery you'll likely lose out on fees if you cancel and what happens when Grandma wants a holiday or is unwell?

Surely she won't spend more time with him that you do if she only has him for one day a week?

What were the issues that your DSIL had with her providing child care? Was it just the number of days that she looked after her children or were there other problems?

Do not take him out of nursery for the days you already have booked! You only have to read a few threads here to know that parents and ILs can and do leave you in the lurch when it comes to childcare. It’s just easier to pay for it, then you know where you are

The thread's 4 months old.

Pretty sure the OP will have sorted it by now 🤷‍♂️

If the MIL having more than 1 day a week with your child makes you uncomfortable then stick with your nursery plan. I don't understand your reasoning though that seeing her grandchild all week would be more than you see them. In that case, wouldn't that also be true of the nursery carers?

If your mil gets ill, needs to work, has an injury, wants to go on holiday, or the arrangement just doesn't work for any other reason (eg toddler is so excited that they don't nap there and is a nightmare in the evenings) then it's really hard to increase nursery hours at a short timescale. It's easier to drop nursery days if it's going well with her. Also there will be lots of ad hoc childcare 8n the first year of nursery due to bugs

What kind of thing was annoying your sister in law? I'd be flexible on things like granny wanting to have specific clothes at their house or not adhering to routines exactly but less keen on granny giving unlimited sugar and screen time for example, and if any safety concerns not followed eg car seats that would be an absolute no