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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Blowing hot and cold….

5 replies

Watermelon42 · 17/03/2025 16:53

Why would a boy/man (19) be really keen one minute then a bit cool the next?

It’s so many years since I was a teen, but I can still remember having this happen to me and how rubbish it made me feel.

Dd (18) is going through this with her boyfriend of around 6 months, it’s pretty much a carbon copy of a few of my past relationships and I never did manage to make sense of it! It’s like a form of gaslighting because you never really know where you stand.

Up until now it’s been very chilled and smooth sailing, no real red flags, he seemed really keen to meet up, go on dates etc, introduce her to his family.

It seems the keener she gets on him, he goes a bit cooler, keeps being too tired to meet up, or not staying for long, or not having money to go out, or having lots of work to do. It keeps sounding like it’s petering out (which obviously would be ok) but then he’ll make a big effort or gesture, a couple of days ago taking her out to meet his sports friends who apparently were all really excited to meet her as they’d heard so much about her!

it’s confusing for me and I’m only hearing this second hand! I haven’t offered an opinion, just listened, but it’s opened up so many old memories of how I was treated and I just wondered if anyone knew why they do this?!!

OP posts:
Watermelon42 · 17/03/2025 16:55

I should add, dd is pretty chilled about the whole thing and hasn’t actually expressed any issues or concerns. Which is why I haven’t said anything,, because it is not my place.

It is more that I have picked up these things from what she has been telling me in general conversation.

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Watermelon42 · 17/03/2025 17:03

I should also add that I have met him and really liked him, didn’t have any concerns at the time at all….

He does however have hang ups about how he looks (absolutely nothing wrong with his looks) and never wants to be in photos, or if he is wants to keep checking the photo to see what he looks like and isn’t keen on them being posted on social media, which is a bit odd in this day and age possibly?

OP posts:
Watermelon42 · 17/03/2025 17:51

Bump

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 17/03/2025 17:55

It may be useful for her to learn about attachment styles. That can explain a lot of this behaviour, although also being young and figuring out life has an impact too.

A lot of men have an anxious-avoidant attachment style and it can be so confusing when trying to be emotionally intimate with people like this.

Watermelon42 · 17/03/2025 18:43

Thanks, will have a look

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