Is he right? No, surely?

Myshampooismine · 2025-03-17T16:23:32+00:00

Will try v hard not to drip feed. Changed name as outing. Will call him DP but we aren't technically in anything more than a coparent relationship. I have always facilitated his relationship with the children, even when we were clearly just coparenting. He has never lived with us but comes to stay (not in my bed) every weekend as well as visiting mid week not overnight. He brings bread and milk and his own meals. Showers and cooks here. He pays me £250 per month for the two children. We holiday together and mostly share costs except for 4 or so times my family has paid for everyone's airfare and accom. For the last ten years this has been the status quo. He hasn't had a place for the children to stay. Now it is getting to the point where in the next year or two, he might, but he's been made redundant and currently short on cash, though debt free. We are about to move house and are getting the children bunk beds. I am not debt free and it's all costing rather a lot. Normally, we have shared costs of big items for the children, though I buy all their clothes, shoes, uniform. I said could he contribute to bunk beds? I'd be happy to wait until his income was more certain. He replied - would I be buying half their beds when he has a house? This is not great, right? I sort of can't iterate why this is shitty. But, I'm right in thinking it is?

TheCurious0range · 17/03/2025 16:25

Why is he staying in your house and why hasn't he been able to accommodate his children for a decade? Sounds like you've subsidised him enough over the years!

LittleOwl153 · 17/03/2025 16:28

I'd cut right back on your subsidy of him.. he can shower /cook etc elsewhere and take the kids out for his time at 10+ they are more than capable of doing this. He is massively using you and probablt confusing the kids to boot. I'd make this move your independence from him.

I'd also check with cms whether he is actually paying what's due. He doesn't have to pay more than that for the kids... but he is not entitled to anything from you.

Original poster

Myshampooismine · 17/03/2025 16:29

TheCurious0range · 17/03/2025 16:25

Why is he staying in your house and why hasn't he been able to accommodate his children for a decade? Sounds like you've subsidised him enough over the years!

Early on we were in a relationship, on and off for a few years but tried to always keep it consistent outwardly for the children but it was with the understanding that providing for them was fair. This doesn't seem fair though - although what he said makes a certain kind of sense and I couldn't come up with an answer in the moment.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 17/03/2025 16:31

He is a twat. He spends every weekend sleeping at your house, using your broadband and utilities, and hampering your chances of developing another relationship. You presumably wash the bedding he used and youre absorbing the wear and tear on whatever furniture he sleeps on. He has done this for years, and has brought bread with him in repayment.

Is the £250 a month related to his income (or previous income) or an amount he decided was appropriate?

Why hasn't he been able to find a place suitable to have his children stay overnight for so long?
Why does he no longer have a job?

I'd have called his bluff and said, "Yes, as soon as you get a place with a bedroom the children can sleep in, I'll contribute," and let him stew on that.

purpleme12 · 17/03/2025 16:31

I have to say that no I wouldn't expect him to contribute specifically towards a bed in your house.

Original poster

Myshampooismine · 17/03/2025 16:32

He has a really nice relationship with the children and I'm not looking for another relationship for myself so I was just always content to potter along as coparents. I'd hate for the children to feel booted out of the house and that there was any animosity - there isn't 99% of the time. Sometimes he drives me crazy but mostly it ticks along.
What do you make of what he said?

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millymollymoomoo · 17/03/2025 16:33

Are you claiming any at all op ?

Original poster

Myshampooismine · 17/03/2025 16:37

millymollymoomoo · 17/03/2025 16:33

Are you claiming any at all op ?

I work but I do get the CB?

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Original poster

Myshampooismine · 17/03/2025 16:42

Running to clubs now so will check back later

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WilfredsPies · 17/03/2025 16:44

He replied - would I be buying half their beds when he has a house?

‘No, I won’t be contributing. I also won’t be using your hot water to shower with and your gas and electric to cook my meals with. You pay well under 50% of what it costs to raise two children and on top of that, I have facilitated your relationship with them by allowing you into my home, rather than insisting that you find something weather appropriate to do with them each time you see them. I’ve even allowed you to come on holiday with us. Once, I ask you for a bit of extra help to buy something for our children and you reply with sarcasm? If you really can’t afford it, then I’d accept that, but I won’t accept sarcasm after everything I’ve done to help make your life easier’.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 17/03/2025 16:46

WilfredsPies · 17/03/2025 16:44

He replied - would I be buying half their beds when he has a house?

‘No, I won’t be contributing. I also won’t be using your hot water to shower with and your gas and electric to cook my meals with. You pay well under 50% of what it costs to raise two children and on top of that, I have facilitated your relationship with them by allowing you into my home, rather than insisting that you find something weather appropriate to do with them each time you see them. I’ve even allowed you to come on holiday with us. Once, I ask you for a bit of extra help to buy something for our children and you reply with sarcasm? If you really can’t afford it, then I’d accept that, but I won’t accept sarcasm after everything I’ve done to help make your life easier’.

Edited

Superb answer

PullTheBricksDown · 17/03/2025 16:48

would I be buying half their beds when he has a house?

My immediate response is ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME MATE? After everything you've done to make it easier and cheaper for him to be a parent?

Having calmed down I'd say: Yes, when you get a house I'll happily pay half the cost of beds. Can I assume that I can also come and stay there every weekend for nothing for the first ten years, as long as I bring a loaf of bread with me? That's part of the deal, right?

He has had a massively easy ride with you and takes it for granted. Hope your eyes are open to this now. He will never get a decent place to have the kids as it is, why would he? There's no need as you're subbing it all!

Dreamskies · 17/03/2025 16:54

Ten years of staying at your house and not providing any kind of bed or home for the children…. yeah it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution. In another situation where he did take them to another home to stay with him then no, he shouldn’t have to contribute.

DPotter · 17/03/2025 16:59

You can take the house move as an opportunity to re-define how he sees the children. All the time you allow him to stay over with you, there is no incentive for him to find suitable accommodation. And the only reason you need for the change to give is "Because I don't want you to stay over anymore". And the holidays too! And yes - start asking for contributions towards uniforms, clubs etc

It must be so confusing for your children too - are Mum and Dad an item ? He stays over weekends and comes on holiday so they must be.

LittleOwl153 · 17/03/2025 17:16

You know if you didn't have to make provision for him.in your home... would the kids get a room each and thus not need bunks?

unsync · 17/03/2025 17:58

I thought I'd seen most things on MN over the years, but this is a new one. Where does he live when he's not taking advantage of you OP? As a PP said, take this opportunity to not allow this arrangement to continue, he's exploited you long enough. To answer your question, no, he's wrong - in many, many ways.

Simplynotsimple · 17/03/2025 18:05

Someone has written out something far better but the jist of it is that you have been subsidising his child-rearing and the £250 is a drop in the ocean of the cost raising both your children. What about Christmas and birthdays, does he contribute half the cost of those more expensive times as well?

CheckoutChump · 17/03/2025 18:11

‘Families’ comes in all shapes and sizes but this is less common than most. You’ve had an atypical division of labour and finances within the co-parenting relationship, and after a decade are now falling out over bunk beds. Seems this is a symptom of a much bigger underlying issue that needs resolving.

In about 10 posts someone is going to ask you about working cash in hand and housing benefit fraud.

Original poster

Myshampooismine · 17/03/2025 18:33

PullTheBricksDown · 17/03/2025 16:48

would I be buying half their beds when he has a house?

My immediate response is ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME MATE? After everything you've done to make it easier and cheaper for him to be a parent?

Having calmed down I'd say: Yes, when you get a house I'll happily pay half the cost of beds. Can I assume that I can also come and stay there every weekend for nothing for the first ten years, as long as I bring a loaf of bread with me? That's part of the deal, right?

He has had a massively easy ride with you and takes it for granted. Hope your eyes are open to this now. He will never get a decent place to have the kids as it is, why would he? There's no need as you're subbing it all!

That is amazing. I sort of wish I could summon a MN army with a horn to come and back me up.

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millymollymoomoo · 17/03/2025 18:36

I was only asking re benefits in case you’re risking being considered a ‘proper ‘ cohabiting couple

Original poster

Myshampooismine · 17/03/2025 18:40

Simplynotsimple · 17/03/2025 18:05

Someone has written out something far better but the jist of it is that you have been subsidising his child-rearing and the £250 is a drop in the ocean of the cost raising both your children. What about Christmas and birthdays, does he contribute half the cost of those more expensive times as well?

He buys an absolute ton of gifts I then have to find room for - way more excessive than I'd ever be on principal of them not appreciating things! I'm very much looking forward to him getting a place so he can have half the toys! The only cost we don't split is their clothes (and food I suppose but that's what the £250 is partly for). That's why I was so surprised by his answer re. beds.
To another PP, he doesn't get a room the children could have, he stays downstairs on a futon.

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Original poster

Myshampooismine · 17/03/2025 18:48

CheckoutChump · 17/03/2025 18:11

‘Families’ comes in all shapes and sizes but this is less common than most. You’ve had an atypical division of labour and finances within the co-parenting relationship, and after a decade are now falling out over bunk beds. Seems this is a symptom of a much bigger underlying issue that needs resolving.

In about 10 posts someone is going to ask you about working cash in hand and housing benefit fraud.

Haha! No, def not cash in hand!
Yes, it has been atypical, but it has suited me most of the time. I don't feel taken advantage in general - that's why the bed answer felt very left field. I know he's struggling, that's why I offered for it to be 'when he could'. He's their dad and I would like to think if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd make sure I was ok too. But, also yeah, I would like him to stop staying if I'm honest and am looking forward to him having his own place.

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mathanxiety · 17/03/2025 19:07

If you want him to have his own place that also has room for the children you are going to have to out an end to the sponging and probably take him to court to get an appropriate visitation schedule in place.

My guess is he will hold stopping the visits with the the children over your head and theirs to make you cave, and he will never get a place suitable for them.

You now know he doesn't have your back at all. He thinks he has you all where he wants you.

And where is the money for the presents coming from?