Should I be blunt but honest if the occasion arises?

[asrl78]

A bit of background:

I met a very nice lady when volunteering and we quickly became close friends, she is very tactile and found out I enjoy hugging women and that was how the ice broke between us. After a certain time she moved to another shop to volunteer and she invited me into her canasta group who play at someones house on Sunday evenings. There are six of us, three men and three women, all of them I get on with; however, there is one woman who is the textbook definition of a dolly downer. She has had and continues to have family, financial and health issues* (some I have been told are self inflicted) and is always dwelling on them and complaining/sighing every Sunday evening. I can tolerate this as the canasta group is the only regular F2F contact I have with my friend, but I find her attitude draining, it is a mood killer at times.

I would love to be able to help her but I know there is nothing I can do. My question is, would it be unreasonable if, when a suitable occasion occurred (e.g. she said something where the response could follow naturally), I was direct and told her straight that at least part of the problem is her negative attitude and this pushes people away. Part of me feels she needs to be told some hard truths but part of me doesn't want to risk pushing her into a state of depression.

I am a little pulled in two directions. In normal circumstances she is not a person I would choose to associate myself with (for other reasons that what I have put here), but I can't help but feel compassion.

*Examples:

She has little disposable income but keeps giving money to her 40-something year old son who lives on a rented boat somewhere in London which is in poor condition. Her son prefers to live like that rather than move in with her, and she wouldn't want him living with her anyway although she claims to love him. She closely follows christianity and believes her son is demonised because he is into new age stuff (whatever that means).

She has problems with her feet and back but won't see someone because of the state of her finances.

She has a car in poor condition which she doesn't get regularly serviced to save money, instead gets things fixed when necessary (which is more expensive in the long term).

She lives alone in a sizable house in which I think she struggles with maintenance costs when they arise. Others in the group have suggested downsizing or releasing equity.

If the others are making helpful suggestions that she chooses to ignore I would smile and nod and move the conversation along.
Compartmentalise.. let her have her moan and then change the subject. If she isn't listening to the people she has known for a while she is not going to listen to you.
You do not have to fix/save her!

Ask your friend what she thinks, but I would advise extreme caution, particularly if you are a newer member of this group. So you tell her she brings her problems on herself by her negativity, and she is taken aback and upset and your card game is ruined - and then what? Do you come back the following week as though nothing has happened? Would the rest of the group take her part (as a longer-standing member) so you would be the bad guy? What exactly do you hope to achieve by saying something? If she’s been like this for ever, she’s not going to change. If it were me and I enjoyed the game and my friend’s company, I’d say nothing.

I don't know why you think this is your business. Has she asked you for help or advice? She is an adult and responsible for her decisions.

If her self-pity is affecting you or your friends, ignore it or conspicuously change the subject. Engaging with it is the worst thing you can do.

Just ghost her slowly. I don't think you are close enough friends to be brutally honest in a negative way. You don't owe her anything and it's not your responsibility to solve her problems. She'll likely take it in a bad way and the situation is more awkward for everyone involved.

Just make excuses not to attend the canasta nights as frequently, don't meet up or reply to messages as quickly and pretend you're busy with other things. Adult friendships are fleeting and some aren't meant to last more than a few months or years.

That would be very rude. She is not your friend, so stay out of it.

No, I would keep your opinions to yourself. You don't know this woman well, but sound like you're judging her anyway. She hasn't asked for your advice so don't give it.

You only see her once a week to play cards so I don't see how you would find her draining. Just chat about normal things and try and steer the conversation towards more positive things. Or avoid being left alone with her and don't contribute to the conversation if she starts moaning.

she sounds like a professional victim
no pleasing her
she wont change and you will just upset her

She found out you enjoy hugging women? 😅

Idk this is a really odd thread to me and I can't put my finger on why.

Don't say any of these "hard truths," they won't be welcome and you'll damage the mood of the group far more than she has.

Ask your friend to meet one on one for coffee or something

You play canasta so you have an excuse to hug the original woman but have now been distracted with trying to save DebbieD who may or may not bring it on herself? I think you need to ignore the DD and decide if the cards and huggin are worth putting up with her for.

Mind your own business OP! She’s only hurting herself and being irritating to everyone else. You either put up with it, or you aren’t around her. Her choice how to live her life and yours whether you want her in yours.

She has a 40 year old son so I take it she is probably 65+? I very much doubt anyone of that age is ever going to change their outlook or ways. But more importantly, it’s not your business or problem. If yours find her draining and annoying, then just extricate yourself from the acquaintanceship. Unless you know someone very well and are on otherwise good terms with them, you have no place to tell them ‘hard truths’. None of us want to hear that sort of criticism, let alone from someone we barely know.

She was in the group before you presumably? It's not up to you to insert yourself and make her feel bad

Maybe these are her friends?

I'd leave it

And just because she doesn't want her 40 year son to live with her, doesn't mean she doesn't love him 😭

Yabu, sorry

Why on earth would you think it's your business to start throwing your harsh opinions in to this established group?😂

So a woman you barely know and don’t even like is a bit of a misery - and you think you’re going to be the one to fix it? How - and more importantly, why? This isn’t your business!

I have been in the group about three years so it is a stretch to say I barely know her, but anyway, I'll let her be and just carry on tolerating it even if it does make me sad on occasion. Others have tried to provide advice and she has had counselling which she ignored (I've been told she won't take advice she doesn't want to hear), so me saying something is high risk and near-zero likelihood of any gain. I'm not leaving the group as the interaction with my friend is too valuable.

I’m also curious about the “she found out I enjoy hugging women” comment.

Dont most people enjoy hugs? Do you specifically only enjoy hugging women? Why is it a “thing” - do you make a hobby out of it?

Otherwise yes, this woman does seem a downer/professional victim but the best thing to do with these people is ignore it. Don’t feed the drama beast.

I have been in the group about three years so it is a stretch to say I barely know her, but anyway, I'll let her be and just carry on tolerating it even if it does make me sad on occasion.

Very noble.

Yes, what on earth has the ‘enjoy hugging’ thing to do with the moany canasta player? And surely, if you want to see your specific friend, just see her another time for a coffee or another activity, if the negative person annoys you? It’s hardly canasta or nothing…?

“I’m not fancying doing a group thing - can we meet up for a nice hug on Tuesday evening instead?”

So pleased I read the first comment, which let me know it was a card group. I was thinking you were all sitting around playing castanets....

Maybe ‘nice hug’ with the ‘tactile’ friend is a euphemism for ‘passionate, back-clawing sex’? Though what this has to do with the canasta sessions is still mysterious. Maybe they play footsy under the table while the complainer complains…?

Maybe This woman is complaining so much because she has already learned you liked to hug women and wishes you would offer her one?

This is the bizarrest thread I have read in weeks.
Sounds like good material for a sitcom.
Jesus...

Can't abide people like that, every time she brought something like that up I'd just shut it down with," Well, you know what the solution is don't you"

She'll probably continue on a bit with the list of excuses but she'll get it after a couple of goes.

Are you male or female? I’m thrown by the hugging comment.