To want contact on a set schedule

[Sprogonthetyne]

Ex needs to be supervised when seeing DC due to mental health issues and abusive behaviours (to both DC and me). The supervision is currently being done by inlaws, who I trust and are good grandparents when they're around, but who dont live locally and can only commit to ad-hoc visits to facilitate contact.

I understand that they have their own lives and are being put upon by having to suport ex's shitty parenting, but also don't feel like this is really my problem and want to be able to plan my weekends, knowing if I will have DC and not be at his beck and call.

My perspective is that I should make the DC available at set times (eg. 1st & 3rd Sunday each month), and it's his responsibility to arrange supervision at these time, be that inlaws, other family/friends or contact centre.

Inlaws perspective is that they are already doing a 'favour' by supervising at all, and they should be able to fit it around their other commitments. (No idea on ex's opinion, he doesn't respond to messages).

So would I be unreasonable to say the DC aren't available if they decide to come through on a non-contact weekend, and expect Ex to make alternative arrangements if they are not free on contact weekends. I am been made to feel like I'm being unreasonable, as this approach will probably result in EX seeing DC less often, when he inevitably fails to arrange supervision, but I really don't feel I am.

Go with the contact centre and leave it as that on set days. You may need to arrange it but at least it's done.

Is there a court order setting out how contact should work?

I’d agree, you shouldn’t have to live your life around them

I would be happy to drop them off at a contact centre but don't feel it's my responsibility to arrange or pay for. If he wants to be part of the DC's life then it's his responsibility to arrange to do so in a way that is safe and appropriate for them, just as it's my responsibility to ensure their welfare the entire rest of the month

Is there a court order?

I think if you have no court order, and the kids views - if old enough - are being heard then I think it would be reasonable to give dad some specific time, as a court probably would, as you suggest 1st/3rd Sunday or something.

The only issue I guess is whether dad is capable of sorting that out. By that I mean you say he has mental health issues etc so he might be / he might not be - I assume you know though! If he isn't capable then I guess you are stuck working through his parents. But I don't think that means they get to dictate.

I'd probably start working a pattern without pushing any 'announcement' of you will only make them available on say Sunday mornings, that Saturdays etc you have other plans when asked - kids will have activities, parties, clubs, plans with friends depending in ages which they shouldn't miss out on. Beyond that go with the usual grandparent arrangement - if it works when they ask then fine, if it doesn't then that's also fine and they need to accept that. If it reduces the kids time with dad then that's down to him to resolve.

It's hard when you are doing it all alone without demanding interferance!

There is no court order but the children want contact, they're too young to make a direct choice, but I won't go against their wishes if it can be done safely. Personally I'm on the fence as to if they are getting much out of seeing him, but like that they are maintaining a connectionto that side of their family, which is part of their identity. I won't be actively obstructing contact, but I also don't want to be the driving force behind it, if he doesn't bother, that's on him.

In terms of if he has the capacity to arrange it, I'd say probably yes. He struggles with low energy and poor executive function, so may find it harder then others, but manages to sort things of similar complexity when he wants to. So I suspect he's just being lazy and thinks if he leaves it either me or his mum will do it for him.

OK, as there's no court order specifying otherwise then I think you'd be entirely within your rights to insist that contact happens on a set schedule. If his parents aren't willing to assist with that then that's a shame but it's not your problem to fix.