To want to make plans with him in advance?

[Chickenspit]

I work long hours and have kids that I share custody of. I also have a close group of friends who are very sociable. My OH is retired and has a much slower pace of life.

I like to plan my time in advance, particularly on a Sunday so I have an idea how my week’s looking. He prefers to take it day by day.

In fairness, I’ve been relaxing and following his way of doing things and we usually end up seeing each other whenever I’m free. Sometimes daily when the kids aren’t around.

I like that. I love spending time with him. There are times, of course, when I’ll have a spare pocket of time for him and then we don’t get together, which feels like wasted precious time for me.

However, it is stopping me from filling my time the way I used to. I know that’s really co-dependent of me but I love spending time with him, so I subconsciously make less plans than I would, so I know I’ll have time to see him. He wouldn’t mind if my calendar was full. He’d never get annoyed or upset if I didnt have time, but I’d miss him!

I asked today if i’d see him this week. He was non committal as always. Now this NEVER means he doesn’t want to see me. It just means he doesn’t see the point planning in advance when we always figure it out
as he has heaps of free time.

The problem is I’ve potentially got loads on this week. If I accept all my invitations from friends, the tennis game I’ve been invited to and everything else, it’s unlikely I’d also have time to see him. Quite honestly though, that’s the case every week, I just always make sure I do.

I got frustrated about it today when I asked if I might see him this week and he said not to worry about it now and we’d find time. He was confused was I was annoyed as we always end up seeing each other loads when we don’t plan in advance.

AIBU to just go ahead and plan my week without him? I love seeing him but I’m frustrated.

Can you not explain to him that the reason it always “just works out” is because you are turning things down to keep time free for him? And you’d rather be able to accept everything but also see him in the times that you are free?

I think you should go ahead and book up your week, but then tell him you will be free on Tuesday afternoon and Thursday and Friday evenings and would love to see him them. If he can’t commit in advance to those times even knowing that’s all you have - then he’s not that bothered is he.

Accept all the other invitations for a week or two then the penny might drop as to why you want to actually make plans. He has all the time in the world as a retiree, you're trying to squeeze everything into a limited amount of time, alongside a job which has long hours. A few instances of 'No I can't see you because I'm now doing x,y,z...' may help him realise that your time is precious!

I was thinking of this but wondering if it was a bit passive aggressive of me to do that just to make a point. It may be needed though!

Its passive aggressive if you make plans that you don’t want just to “send a message” but its just reasonable and practical if you make the plans you want snd let him learn to treat your time and company respectfully.

If you continue to leave yourself wide open/without plans in case he wants to see you then you run the risk of losing your friends and support system. Never make someone your priority when you are just an option to them.

If he was bothered about seeing you he would agree to making plans, but he knows you will always roll over and put your life on hold if he deigns to throw a few scraps your way.

Resentment is a relationship killer and it's starting to creep in. He won't change (he doesn't need to because you ALWAYS fit him in), which means you either suck up the feeling of not being loved enough, or you part ways and regain a sense of self worth.

To be honest this doesn’t reflect him at all. He’s very generous with his time and treats me very well. He’s just very laid back.

Appreciate one post on MN doesn’t tell the full story of a relationship but I’m afraid this doesn’t describe him at all.

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense.

Make your plans. Do your thing. If he wants to see you, he will

You might decide you don’t want to see him

Don’t put your life on hold for a man

The thing is it’s not that he treats me as an option. He’s not waiting for a better social plan and then only seeing me if he’s free. On the contrary, he’s always free because he doesn’t really do anything much.

He’s helping a friend with some programming at the moment and the most he might say is that he can’t see me as he’s behind on that and needs to focus. This drives me mad in its own way because he has all day to do that while i’m at work.

He’s not up to anything else though as, if I don’t see him and I’m home, we usually spend the entire evening on the phone to each other anyway.

So it really is a case of being too laid back, and not that he’s waiting for a better offer.

He still isn’t prioritizing you. You have limited time available. He procrastinates and wastes daylight and then can’t come over when you have free time? That is a failure to prioritize you. All the gabbing on the phone doesn’t change that. I mean he sounds lovely and when my dh and I were long distance for five years we often spoke on the phone daily. But he also doubled up on work do he could visit me once a month. If your guy prefers chatting on the phone to actually seeing you that might be a more tepid approach than you want.its more tepid than i would want.

It sounds like you have a wonderful, full life. Please don't make yourself small so this tosser can get some of your precious time

Laid back = lazy, can't be bothered.

You are making the time to see him, rescheduling and running around. He isn't.
He is the important sun, you are the small planet circling. I suspect you posted because underneath it all, you don't feel important or cared about enough. Again, he won't change. He might be lovely and charming and funny but he will still put himself first, his friends second and you last. If you squeak too much about it he'll just find another woman who will continually put him first (like you have so far). You either put him first and lose your life and your happiness, or you live your (lovely sounding) life first and see if he will stick around for your crumbs. There is no middle bit, you see it time and time again on here. But maybe you aren't ready to hear that, so I wish you good luck.