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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He wants to dominate everything

34 replies

Lollyp2 · 16/03/2025 22:58

My partner and I seem not to agree on many things.

It's either we go by what he wants or I am mostly the one who backs out and let's him be the boss.

He pretends to ask my opinion but eventually does what he wants.

Basically I can't even change anything in our house as it always stirs up trouble.
Whenever I suggest even purchasing something for our house, it's met with "we don't need it, or if I ask his opinion on something I would like to get for our home he meets it with " do whatever you like".
Recently we went to buy a door carpet that he has declined for ages.I had to put my foot down as I really tire with cleaning the door step "which my partner doesn't do".When we were at the shop, he kept looking at his phone chatting with his friend who had a party later and when I asked for his opinion all he said was "I wouldn't even be here at this time were it not for you"

What to do?
Are we really a team?

OP posts:
Verv · 18/03/2025 16:17

Leave, or stop suggesting/asking and just do.

Planetmonster · 18/03/2025 16:21

Oooo best check out your rights asap.

why are you in Brussels? Are you working?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 18/03/2025 16:44

Me and DP have had 5 major arguments in 20 years together, and 3 of them have been about decorating / stuff for the house.

We have very very different tastes, alongside which she likes a lot of stuff whereas I like rooms without much clutter. On top of that I don't like change, so my first impulse is always to say No (this is an impulse I've spent my life trying very very hard to squash)

So what used to happen is that DP would say "What do you think about getting a flibertygibbet". I'd reply "I don't think we need a flibertygibbet."

Now I'm expecting that if DP really wants the flibertygibbet, she'll argue her case. But instead she just says "OK then" so I assume she wasn't actually that bothered about it. Meanwhile I've mentioned about getting some knicknacks at various points, she's said "Do we need a knickknack?" and I've argued my case successfully.

Repeat ad-nauseum for 5 years and we've got a house with very few flibertygibbets, plenty of knickknacks and one DP who's about to burst into tears because I'm about to pooh-pooh one too many flibertygibbets.

And so the argument begins. She feels that I get everything my way, nothing in the house is how she'd want it. I feel that she doesn't speak up enough, that she's too much of a pushover and I'm happy to compromise as long as I know that she actually wants the damn flibertygibbet.

We resolve the argument. I agree to say yes more readily, she agrees to try to fight her corner. I feel massively bad that DP doesn't feel at home in her own home. We buy a bunch of flibertygibbets and I find myself repainting a room I painted 6 months ago because it turns out she really did care about that particular shade of maroon.

And then 9 months later she asks "What do you think about getting a whoojamawotsit?". I'd reply "I don't think we need a whoojamawotsit." and so the cycle begins anew.

3 times we went around this merry-go-round. And the last time I came to a realisation. I just don't care that much. Or rather I do, but I care less about living in a house decorated to my tastes, than I do about not making my DP feel like shit.

So now I just say yes to everything. I live in a house teeming with flibertygibbets. I will happily be the one to compromise because unknowingly I let DP compromise for 15 years.

I'd be even happier if DP had just been willing to fight her corner over the things she wanted though. I'm not saying my situation is the same as yours @Lollyp2 , but on the off chance it is, then speak up about the things you want, and just buy the bloody doormat.

Lollyp2 · 18/03/2025 20:01

@BadBerlin that's so true.
To be honest I am not sure he is ready for a child and all that comes with a child.
But who am I to say that when I have never been a mum someone could argue!

@OneQuirkyPanda I know him well enough to know that when he says " do what you like" it's him not wanting anything to do with my plan because it goes against his.
We have been through this before where I ask for an opinion and on standing my ground for valid reasons the end point from him is "do whatever you like"

@Gliblet nothing yet because mostly I try to involve him when I am buying or making major decisions.

@Verv :I will do

@Planetmonster yes we are both working in Brussels

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots That's an interesting story worth learning from.

Thank you all!

The feeling remains heavy on me as I feel really despised by my DP.
My opinion always comes last and invalidation has become part & parcel in our relationship.

It's getting to the point of me getting distant & resentful when I think of all the stuff my DP has put me through just 2yrs into this partnership.

One last question.
Because I have nobody to ask.
I managed to unravel my DP having playful & touchy moments with his friends Partner.
I have strong instincts the he has emotional attachment to her as I cannot explain why he ( My DP) always asks about her when we meet his friend.
I find it odd that my DP really envies this couple, if anything my instincts tell me that he keeps their friendship going because of the OW.

Sorry for long text 😞😓

OP posts:
Twattergy · 18/03/2025 20:10

Look at the title of your thread.
'He wants to dominate everything'.
This is your issue, not the doormat.
Is one of your required or desired characteristics for a life partner and soon to be co-parent 'dominating everything'?
I very much doubt it. This is a fundamental negative and not something you should feel obliged to work around. Dominating everything and making you feel belittled is a horrible horrible trait and not something that makes for a happy or worthwhile relationship.
Your latest post about not trusting him re another woman is the nail in the coffin.

Nowvoyager99 · 18/03/2025 20:15

He’s an arsehole with a crush on his best friends partner.

Do you have support in Brussels if it goes wrong? You know he can prevent you from leaving the country with your baby if he wants?

If your support network is back in UK I would return asap. This isn’t a man ready for fatherhood.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 18/03/2025 20:24

I'd leave and divorce a man like that. Disrespectful and ignorant.

Easy to get married, just as easy to divorce. He sounds controlling and treats you like the shit off his shoe. Get rid.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 18/03/2025 22:39

@Lollyp2 You're still having problems with him touching this other woman. Did you cancel the wedding or did you actually marry him?

You already knew you were at the bottom of his priority list. It's only going to get worse. Leave this time.

EtA just saw the post where you said you married him. Don't know how the laws in Brussels work but in the UK you wouldn't be entitled to much if any share of his house after a few months of marriage.

Lungwort · 18/03/2025 22:43

So you’re pregnant (in a foreign country?) to a man you admit despises you?

Oh, OP. This isn’t about carpet.

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