Help! I can't shake wanting a 3rd child

[LovingLivingLife]

All the logic tells me 2 and done. I am definitely being unreasonable to still want another.

I had 2 C-sections, I think a third will probably ruin my body. Pregnancy with my last was tough on my body.
We have 2 gorgeous, healthy girls.
The pregnancy and post partum hormones made me a nightmare, it's taken me nearly 2 years to get back to normal and want any kind of sex life again. I don't want to put that kind of strain on our marriage again.
There's already a lot of noise in our house, I get over stimulated as it is.
I'm ready for more exciting holidays and not having to cater to very little people.
I'm ready to carry on with my career and get properly stuck in again.

But I just don't feel done, and not does DH. Both my DH and I are only children and I would love to have a bigger family. We have left decent age gaps and I think we could give them each individual attention.

Is it normal to long for a third? Do most people just look at the list of negatives and eventually get over it?

Lot of people I know thought I was mad for thinking about a third, so even thinking about it is a step down the road. In the time it took us to decide I would feel at peace with stopping at two for a time and then we’d see a family of five when out for the day, we’d both notice them and the indecision would start all over again. It was a real suprise to me a I never expected to want a third. In the end we agreed we didn’t want to always wonder what if, the fact the idea wouldn’t go away was our decision. And as soon as my third was out I had such a strong feeling of being done. Not a pang as I pass on anything we no longer need. The certainty is such a feeling of relief. That said it’s a lot. He caused all sorts of health issues for me which, had we forseen them, we wouldn’t have done it. But I’m luckily recovered now. And it’s loud, messy, you’re fire fighting and stretched thin, but time together and time you carve out with each of them or for yourself is magical too. We’re 5.5 years in and we’re all thankful for him everyday. Good luck with your decision, I know how overwhelming it can feel and I got so sick of thinking about it.

I had 3 kids and 3 sections. The last one I was told not to have any more as it was like 'sewing up wet paper towel' 😳. However, the recovery was fine. I wouldn't let that put you off, it's a very small time frame in the scheme of things if you really want a third. If you have the means to support a third then why not? It's highly unlikely you will regret it.

I’m in the same boat OP but absolutely cannot have any more. DH feels too old (he’s over 40 now, I’m mid 30s), my pregnancies are high risk and although both babies delivered vaginally my labours were hard - the second wasn’t easier like is often the case. We’re also considering sending the kids private due to issues with the state schools round here which we absolutely could not to for 3 kids. I have a healthy, bright DD and a healthy, bright DS so really need to stop thinking about it but I think it’ll nag at me for a little while yet.

I’m one of 4 with a few steps and numerous cousins running about. Loved it!

I was you five years ago OP. In the end I went with my head over my heart and stuck with two. It has turned out well so far. We have had a lot of fun over the past few years and are at a point where we just really enjoy the dc. I am fit again and have enough time to focus on my own health and wellbeing. I feel that I can give each of them enough individual attention and days out and holidays are good too as the world sometimes seems to be designed for families of four. When I visit friends with three plus, there is such a different vibe. A third seems to bring a disproportionate amount of chaos and expense. I really don’t buy the saying that you’ll never regret another child.

Very much untrue for us. The minute DC3 was born I felt totally at ease snd ‘complete’, as nauseating as that sounds.

If you want to and can OP, then do. It literally doesn’t matter. No one is going to remember you in a century. Just do what you want. DC3 is nearly 3 and over the last year I’ve started a new career which I am absolutely loving. 3 kids is brilliant, they all get on really well and it’s less intense than a 1:1 sibling relationship I find.

It definitely feels like double the work of 2 kids though (so, not proportional).

I would say that we can afford it with minimal lifestyle changes.

You can afford it now.
Can you afford three teenagers?
Can you financially support three students through university?
Never underestimate the emotional cost of parenting teenagers either.

I decided that I couldn't pick my heart over the rest of my family (in terms of being impacted by practical reasons against it). I'm fine with it now, 3 years later. I occasionally feel sad about it, but I think it was the best decision anyway. However, DP was not keen although I could have persuaded him and I think if he had wanted a third too then I would have gone with it.

Sounds like you can afford to have a third and you have thought about logistics. Your kids are still young and a third should be able to slot right in. I stopped at two as we have no family support around us and I could see that I wouldn’t have enough energy and attention for a third, however you sounds prepared for this. One thing I would consider very carefully is SEN, disabilities and or other medical difficulties that may appear with your third baby (or even your first two). I know everyone thinks it’s not going to happen to them, but it’s very common, especially SEN. And in some cases you don’t even realise it until kids are in school. It’s happened to us and while I won’t change a thing, I’m very mindful how much extra effort, money, stress and attention is required for one child and how unfair it is on the other one. Just something to think about.

I wanted a third when my second was about 6 months and have spent the last couple of years wanting another. DH was never really on board so I didn’t push as didn’t want him to feel forced into it. Now I am happy to stopped at 2, eldest has SEN and that takes quite a lot of time/ energy none of which was evident till second year of school. Also realisation that if we had another would be harder to do days out as different ages have different interests/ abilities ( and heights). It’s hard to know what’s right for you but I wouldn’t rush it.

We were less on the fence that you sound and once we'd gone down the road of exploring idea......youngest is now 1!
Children are a joy.

Apart from when all shit hits the fan, mess is mess and noise is noise, doesnt matter how many you do it for. Feel like I'd be groggily getting toast made this morning for 1 child, may as well as have the fun and chatter from 3.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

I always wanted 3. DH was done at 2, but he agreed to have a third because it was what I wanted.

Third has just turned 3 and it has been hard work! Don’t assume your third will be the same baby / toddler as your other two…. I had two well behaved, good sleeping, good eating girls. I now have a boy who slept terribly for two years, hugely fussy with food, and is just a whirlwind who can trash the house in 5 minutes emptying every puzzle and game out of its box.

it did put a strain on our marriage and I have often thought how easy life would be and how less tired I’d be if we’d stuck at two. This all said I love number 3 dearly and have never regretted having him. And I am definitely content with my lot now whereas I wouldn’t have been after two.

I’ve also noticed lots of our friends who stuck at two have got a dog, and have had all the trials and lack of sleep of the puppy stage and now the dog is constraining their freedom. At least you can take a baby everywhere with you! I sort of don’t understand getting a dog just when you’re getting your life back!

How hands on was your DH with number 3 @Thedownstream ?

We have three. There is a 10 and 6 year gap between the youngest and siblings.
I would recommend waiting, it gives you time to properly get back to normal and decide if you really want a third. Also, university is definitely an issue I'm very glad we will get more of a breather between the older two and our youngest.
The relationship between them is lovely, not at all disjointed.
I was 37 when I had my last and it was definitely my last, I knew.
3 csections over here as well.

Definitely this!! My teens are 19 & 16, it's exhausting and I'm very grateful for the age gap to my youngest.

My thinking exactly - at least kids potty train and ultimately become functioning members of society 😆 my parents have a dog and constantly moaning about what a tie he is, how expensive, how free they’ll be when he dies…! They seem to adore him but I don’t get it at all.

Thank you for sharing, this is something I have thought about too. I would never take a healthy baby or my own health for granted, and this could have a massive impact on the whole family. There's just no way of knowing and I find that hard. I'm trying to estimate if I have energy and time for 3, but honestly what do I know?! There's just too many variables to account for. I'm probably thinking about it too much. Or perhaps not enough 😅

The only difference was my incision on the inside had to be a lot bigger and up the way as baby was tiny and just about in my ribs 🤣 but baby was extremely prem.

Recovery was a bit rough due to having to walk to nicu etc but was still manageable and I was able to drive about 2 weeks later x

I have two, felt completely done and never wanted a third for even a second.
That is to say, no not everyone has that longing for a third so your feelings are ‘real’ by the sounds of it to me!

I had three and definitely felt done. I was glad I had the third, but had no thoughts about another one so it doesn't follow that you'll endlessly want another.

I know women who desperately wanted a third and husbands refused. In the end (years later) they were glad they'd stopped at 2 and felt they'd gone a bit mad.

If you both want a third and can afford it then personally I'd go for it.

You've wanted it this long and the feeling hasn't passed. It sounds like the sort of thing you'll regret and have to come to terms with if you don't try.

A bit different but I long for a second. I think I'm at capacity with one sadly though so just trying to make peace with it. I'm excited for all the things you list. It's ok to want more and accept it's maybe not right for you as a mum.

Had 2 but really wanted a 3rd. Went through a year of physically longing for a third but hubby was never on board. In the end something happened that made me realise I had a lot to be thankful for. That was 4 years ago now and I don't regret it at all. We have a good life, kids are getting very independent as they are 9 and almost 12, we go abroad 2 or 3 times a year. I also work with kids with severe SEN. I see the strain on parents and relationships that it can bring. I know in my heart my marriage would not have survived if I'd have pushed it with my hubby and we had a child like that. It's definitely something that you need to consider. Best of luck with your decision.

About 14 hours after my second baby was handed to me in the hospital, I asked the midwife how long I needed to wait to try again. It turns out my husband did not want any more and I tore myself up into mental gymnastics trying tell myself I was OK with two, that I was blessed with 2 healthy children and all the other reasons why 2 was enough. It became almost painful and when I started crying when I saw that an old school friend had her third, I knew that this longing was very deep and wouldn't go away.

To my utter shock, my husband had a totally unexpected and unsolicited change of heart. He wanted a third and thankfully we conceived very quickly. After the birth this time, I thought 'thank God I will never have to do that again'. Ibstruggled to breastfeed and persevered in part because I knew it was my last.

In all honesty, if my husband wanted a big family and said he wanted a 4th, I'd probably go for it as I love all the chaos, but that deep longing is gone. I'm happy with my lot and don't have any deep desire to have any more. I feel like I always knew that someone was missing from our family, and I don't feel like that any more 🤷‍♀️

My kids absolutely adore DC3 and I feel like she has been an absolute light in our lives, all of us. The thought of her not being part of our family just feels so wrong!

I didn't find having 3 a big change from 2. We still have holidays and go away on adventures. We fit them all in the car. If you and your husband want another child, I would definitely throw your hat in the ring another time.