To feel ashamed

[BeNimbleDenimRobin]

just that really. I was on&off with my ex for about 4 years & he treated me very badly used me for money sex etc. would dump me then come back months after radio silence & i would fall for it every time because I loved him. I found out recently after a smear that he had given me HPV. I always had infections after him & he told me he slept with prostitutes when we were on a break. Since this bombshell I haven’t seen him & cut him out of my life, I do tend to attract very bad people as I’m damaged goods & all I know is abuse from a young age. I’m just ashamed of myself to be honest- thinking he would change & missing him when he has put me through great risk. I’m feeling so down & trying my best to get treated & sort my health out but I feel like trash. I feel like scum who just gets abused by people. I always attract the wrong men & people into my life so I try & live quiet life now but I just need some words of advice or something, didn’t know where to turn I was very suicidal last night too.

Just make a real conscious effort op to remain single for the foreseeable future and focus on yourself

children? Career? Hobbies?

YANBU to feel ashamed - he chose to treat you like that. You aren't to blame for his behaviour. However, it's good that you recognise that you fall into a pattern/ potentially have some issues that feed into being attracted to people who don't treat you as you deserve. And you do deserve to be treated well. I would urge you be single for a while, do t look for fulfillment in romantic relationships and get some counselling to explore your issues. Then hopefully you will stop feeling ashamed, blaming yourself and be able to find a healthy relationship that adds to your life.

Also HPV is incredibly common, most people have a form of itat some point or other in their life, even if they don't know about it as it doesn't always have symptoms and often clears on its own - so I wouldn't let that play into any shame spiral.

I'm sorry to hear that OP💐

You're not scum, you've got nothing to be ashamed of and you don't attract abusers.

You sound like you have low self esteem and have poor boundaries due to a difficult background.

Your background primed you to tolerate bad behaviour and it's what you're used to so it feels familiar.

The reason you found it so difficult to leave your ex was because of this and trauma bonding, which is a very strong connection to your abuser and makes it hard to cut ties.

The responsibility for his behaviour is completely on him, nothing you do or say makes people abuse you. The only thing you're responsible for is your own behaviour.

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation and ask about therapy. If you were sexually abused you might find The Survivor's Trust helpful and they can support you with specialist counselling.

Sorry meant to say YABU to feel ashamed - as I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of

Instead of thinking of yourself as damaged goods, think of yourself as a survivor...because you are.
Speak to people, ask for help, you are going through a low period in your life, but if you look after yourself, you will be fine.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. The way he treated you is not reflective of your worth. Moving forwards I highly recommend doing the freedom programme online and reading the book overcoming low self esteem. Even better, if you have a local domestic abuse charity I’d contact them for face to face support and seek help from your gp with how you’re feeling.

You are not damaged goods. You are not trash. You are not the problem. People who feel entitled to abuse you are the problem.

But you do need to work on your boundaries regarding what behaviour you will and won't accept so that you can learn to trust yourself again.

There are lots of very good and helpful YouTube videos made by psychologists aimed at enlightening and empowering survivors of abuse. Absorbing their advice has helped me but it has been a long process 💐

You're not damaged goods. A users have sensed your vulnerability and probably sweet talk/love bomb when they meet you and then you're hooked.

You need to spend a long time being single learning to value yourself and raise your self esteem. You are worthy of respect and happiness.

When you're at peace with yourself and happy with your own company and function perfectly well independently, then you can you start thinking about having a partner, someone who is an equal and not looking to disrespect you or put you down.

You will come to understand that when you're happy being on your own you will only want to be with someone who is going to improve your life and you will set a high bar because you know your self worth.

You will find it easy to reject men who are needy, or love bomb you or try to dominate you and you know that men with horrible faults are not your responsibility to fix.

It will take you at least a couple of years to overcome the distress of your breakup and to heal within. Learn what makes you happy, enjoy the self empowerment of not relying on a man to make you happy.

You're not weak, you're a survivor who at this moment feels worn down, but now you're moving on and bit by bit will stand tall again.

OP, I am saying this with kindness: stop referring to yourself as 'scum' and 'damaged goods'. Punishing yourself won't help the feelings of shame. And honestly, you have nothing to feel ashamed of - here you are, trying to sort yourself out, you've dropped the abusive git, and you clearly have strong awareness of how your past is affecting your present. Those are all positives. I know it's easier said than done but use the coming months to focus on yourself. xx

Thanks to all 💖💖💖💖 for your words & making mumsnet a safe space x

Men that do this are trash. You need to start thinking about what a sad little man he is. You would never treat someone like that, you’re not the trash.

Stop referring to yourself as these awful things. You’ve been let down by a lot of people who should have been looking after you. You really need to be your own best friend and build yourself back up. Don’t let the bastards ruin your whole life.

It’s not shameful to have HPV. The majority of people have it in some form, a very high statistic anyway. There is no need for the self hatred in that regard.