Mum has denied DSis’s disability her whole life - I don’t know how to deal with it anymore

[sergkuchkin]

NC for this because it’s quite identifying.

My DSis (mid-30s) has a disability that affects her mobility and some aspects of daily life. It was diagnosed when she was a toddler, and she’s always had medical support for it. But DM has spent her entire life pretending it doesn’t exist. She refused to let DSis use mobility aids when she was younger, insisted she was “just being lazy” when she struggled, and basically gaslit her into believing she wasn’t disabled. DSis has always been quite quiet and went along with it, but now as an adult, she’s starting to really struggle with the impact of not having the right support growing up.

DM still won’t acknowledge it. She gets weirdly defensive if it’s brought up and acts like we’re making a fuss over nothing. She won’t talk about adjustments that could help DSis and acts like it’s all in her head. It’s so frustrating because DSis is now trying to navigate adulthood with a disability she was never allowed to acknowledge, and it’s making life really hard for her.

I’ve tried gently bringing it up with DM, but she either shuts down the conversation or gets huffy and starts on about how she “did her best” and “didn’t want DSis treated differently.” I get that she probably thought she was helping, but the reality is that DSis was treated differently just in a way that made things harder for her.

I don’t know what to do. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? I just want DSis to be able to get the support she needs without DM making everything so difficult. Would love any advice on how to handle this.

TIA.

Times were not "very different then"!

My son is about the same age as the Dsis. He was born in 1990. He went to a mainstream school had good treatment and good care. No one thought any the less of him or me because of his disability. He was in the new world of openess and understanding of those with different abilities. It was very similar to how things are now!

I would like to believe the mother is a strong example of someone who simply cannot accept hard truths so cannot accept the disability, therefore she makes up her own version of the truth. Denying the truth doesn't change the truth, it just make you less able to deal with it. There were cases of people dying in hospital with COVID who refused to accept they had it, same thing.

I remember my Mother happily telling me - to my face - how someone with MY medical condition completely ruined her friend’s birthday dinner (my Mother was attending).
They were dining at another table and an ambulance had to be called.
Apparently it was very upsetting and embarrassing for my Mother’s friends AND my Mother. Totally spoiled the meal.

Again, a lot of the denial fell on the sword of ‘didn’t want me to be treated any differently’.

It wasn’t until I got married that my husband encouraged me to empower myself and basically not just take the medication, but find out something about the medical condition I had and if any support (there was!) was available.

DSis is an adult. You need to dissuade her from the ‘not making a fuss’ mindset that your mother has instilled. I apologise for not putting the MN abbreviation DM but what your Mother did to your DSis doesn’t seem much of a ‘darling’ thing to do, to me.
She isn’t ‘making a fuss’ she would be applying for/claiming assistance that she has every right to.
Is there a support group for her condition?
It might do her good to be in contact, even online with others who have support, so that she can see this is normal for others like her.
Basically, that was how I started to find out about things. I joined the main UK support forum.

I wouldn’t worry about making your Mother feel guilty for the past. You and your DSis can do this without her. How your mother feels about what you achieve is her problem.

I wish you both the best of luck.

What does she actually need that she doesn’t have?

GP can refer for physiotherapy assessment for example and will they also provide mobility aids eg stick(s).

Counselling for your sister would be helpful.

DM is unlikely to change which in many ways is irrelevant now.

Just a thought but maybe your mother felt that to acknowledge her daughter’s disability would reflect on her? Maybe she felt ashamed? Or that she would be somehow judged for having a child with a disability? I am by No means suggesting that it is OK for her to have done what she did! So research how you can alert someone who could help & advocate on behalf of your sister. Though it could become a legal platform if your mother is deemed to be “abusing” your sister by denying her help/support. Seek legal advice!

Your mum didn't do her best and I'd be pointing that out to her in fairly bald terms next time it's said. Ignoring a medical diagnosis when your sis was a toddler is not anyone's "best". It's neglect

The person you need to talk to is your sister. Tell her everything you have said here. Mum is irrelevant now but you can help your sister to see things differently.