Room swap

[Pomegranatecarnage]

AIBU to be annoyed with my DD? She is in her first year and has been looking for a house with her friends for the second year. She did all of the looking and found a lovely property with 8 rooms. All the rooms are a great size bar one which is small and can only fit a single bed. They drew lots for the rooms and she got the biggest room. The girl who drew the single room was very upset, so my DD swapped with her. She is very much a people pleaser. We are working class family and as she has gone to a top university her friends are all very well off. My daughter sent me a text saying, “Can you believe I got the smallest room after I did all the work finding the house?” It was only when I called her that she told me what had happened. I regularly drive my DD to and from University which is a 220 mile trip one way, so I stay in her bed, I will no longer be able to do this, I’ll have to book a hotel. Also, she has a long term boyfriend, so needs a double bed really. AIBU to be really annoyed that’s she’s put herself in this situation? I know it’s not a lot to do with me, but I do pay her rent!

I she paying the same rent?

Your DD has hopefully learned a valuable lesson.

My dd was in a similar position at uni. Nobody wanted the tiny room so they decided to swap rooms every so often. So they all had a time in the smallest room and nobody was stuck there for the whole year.
Of course this was agreed at the start. It is unfair for your dd but she did offer. Hopefully the others will see this is not fair and they can come to a similar arrangement.

Also she should be paying less if they don’t work out a fair compromise.

Yes, they all pay the same. I pay her rent as I’ve paid off my mortgage so can afford to.

Yes, she offered. That’s what I’m annoyed about! She said, “I was the one who kindest least having the small room as they’ve all got huge family homes.” Can you believe it?!

They need to go back to the drawing table.

Either they all agree to swap every 2 months, or the single bedroom pays less rent or bills or both.

Ideally they should have agreed this before signing the lease.

Sadly she's learned a valuable lesson about people pleasing.

Friends of mine had a shared house and voted whether to (a) use the living room as a bedroom (and noone shares) or (b) keep it as a living room and 2 people share.

Then they drew lots for the bedrooms. The 2 people who had voted (b) ended up with singles and the 2 who wanted (a) ended up sharing. Talk about win/win lose/lose. Clearly should have been "if you want a living room, you have to share". Didn't make that mistake the next year.

This, I think it would be a good opportunity to think it through with her calmly (although I know you are upset and I get it), encouraging her to explore her options. It’s not too late for her to say ‘I did a people pleasing thing there, can we discuss this again’ and explore a cheaper rate etc. However she did offer so I can understand others could be annoyed. And maybe she genuinely does care less! But good if you can use this to help her think through strategies in future when she feels responsible for someone else being upset.

Thank you for this really useful and well-thought out response. I have these tendencies myself, although wouldn’t have done this. She can’t bear to see others upset, and this is definitely what’s happened here.

What was the point of drawing lots if you can just get your way by throwing a hissy fit?

Obviously someone has to be in the smallest room, but there should be a staggered rent with the biggest room paying a £20 surcharge and the smallest room getting a £20 discount to reflect what each person is paying for.

I have these tendencies too, inherited from my mother who is a million times worse than I am! I don’t know about you but wish I’d had so much more guidance from my mother about how to handle difficult situations. I definitely would have done what your daughter did, and convinced myself I didn’t mind, but actually it would be the other person feeling so upset and that I had to fix it, that I’d find harder to bear than having a small room. Nuts when you say that out loud but there you go!

That was really daft of her. She could ask to switch next term.

Well yes, I think you are pretty unreasonable to be annoyed - mostly because it's not really to do with you, and also because you brought her up for years, and you say you have the same people pleasing tendencies, so where did she learn it and see it modelled?

Was she supported to consider her own needs and wants and not always "be kind" to her own detriment? And to tolerate seeing others in distress sometimes because they're distressed at something which is upsetting but isn't unfair?
And how can you encourage a more balanced way of thinking and acting for her now?

i can see why you're annoyed but is your DD actually bothered?

I would also suggests she asks her friends if she can switch rooms when you visit.

I suppose I think it’s to do with me as she has messaged me saying she’s pissed off about it, and because I pay the rent. I have these tendencies but don’t act on them and have definitely discouraged her from people pleasing!