Is this as annoying as I think

[enkelt2]

I'm aware that this is going to be very long and too much info, but here it goes.

My Dad posted a couple of things in family group chat, trying to get my attention. It's about some gadget that only I'd care about.

I only replied today, and he jumped to a conversation. He started to ask me how things are going etc., then:

Dad: [random youtube music]
Me: what is this 😂
Dad: interesting music, it's Eastern European folk music
Me: 😂😂
Dad: it's not your thing, is it!
Me: ok... I think you can start a blog. There must be someone else interested in this.
[Yes I have 0 interest in this stuff but I didn't want to seem too harsh]
Dad: oh no, I'm much more suited to reading others' blogs, not writing them.
Dad: [another youtube music]
Dad: I saw this another day. It's actually very popular stuff. It's X, Y, Z from S era of Japan.
[X, Y, Z, S are sort of technical art/history terms, very pretentious because neither of us are artists/historians]
Me: hmm, good.
Dad: it's an interesting period.
Me: I don't understand.
Dad: There's English subtitle.
Me: OK. I mean I'm not interested. 😂S era was a long time ago, I have 0 interest in it.

Then Dad shifts to the end of the conversation. I actually wanted to point out 'Please don't do this anymore' without being too harsh, as in I don't want unsolicited sharing with commentary. So my mistake was belabouring this point. I continued to say I don't understand the XYZ commentary.

Me: I don't like the commentary, because I don't get it and it's a bit exhausting.
Dad: I'm just sharing, not trying to impose.
Dad: Also, XYZ are not exactly uncommon words. S era may be, as that's more sentimental from my time.
Me: If you like writing about this, seriously consider a blog!
Dad: oh, I wouldn't have any audience that I'd like to address!
Me: Ha, so you're acknowledging that... you're treating me as your audience! Were you doing unsolicited lecturing just now?

and some discussions about my experience of being lectured on, especially by men, ensued.

I also reminded him that he sent a lot of unsolicited, pirated PDFs of novels he read recently in the group. I told him it's annoying. He totally forgot and asked me for context and 'proof.'

i don't know, I just feel exhausted as he has no other friends to share this with. I feel like I was being quite clear that I'm not interested but I dragged on a bit because I don't want this to happen again. I also don't like that he expects me to react to his interest. I know I could have just left it in the first instance, I just wanted to state my feeling once and for all.

After the above, I reinforced my feeling and told him I don't welcome random poetry (the way he wrote about XYZ was really like poetry). He said 'It's not poetry! It's just scattered thought without much context!'. I find this quite annoying, as in, well, then you're acknowledging you don't really care for my input are you? You're not here for a conversation.

Am I unreasonable to feel... just drained from this? I mean I could have let him down a lot less gently, less emoji but I was just being patient, trying to not hurt his feeling.

Please the wise bunch of MN, tell me how I could have prevented this kind of interaction!

Either/or - whatever they want to do, anything to make me feel like I'm still relevant in their lives - humour me, just for a while. Anything except ignore me

This makes a lot of sense. Very helpful, thanks!

https://www.gottman.com/blog/a-deeper-look-into-turning-away-from-your-partner/

A link to a well known phenomenon in relationships, where when one person reaches for connection in a relationship and is repeatedly turned away eg ignored or mocked they eventually stop trying to connect. It's apparently a really really good indicator of if a relationship will fail. Obviously this is aimed at romantic partnerships, however I think it probably still applies to your dad.

Each time you rebuff his attempts at connecting with you, by showing you something he found interesting or funny, you don't just reject the subject it the song, you reject him.

Over time he will feel this to a greater and greater extend. He may one day eventually stop trying.

As somebody who has lost family members, you should probably try to understand and foster that connection because you will regret it when he's gone. One day you may also find yourself in the same position, reaching to your own children or younger family members with anecdotes and by trying to show them interesting or novel things you have found. You may also find yourself steering to subjects you know, because well it's what you know.

Ayway, I think you're being harsh plus he sounds nice/fun and at least it's entertaining not like he's talking you thrugh the football scores lol.

My dad is a mute shell of a human who appears to be waiting for death. I’d probably welcome any sort of interaction now or at any point but can also see your persoective OP. I Just find it quite novel that other people have conversations with their fathers I think 🤔

Hmm! Thanks for sharing, I can see how it applies to my situation, but only to a certain extent. Obviously romantic relationships are our own choice, but parents are not.

I think the key difference is that since parents are not our choice, there is more of an entitlement in that relationship, and this makes it trickier.

I feel sorry for your dad. My dh and our you gest daughter share a live of music and often discuss it at great length and in some detail. My father and I talk about everything under the sun:archaeology, art, astronomy to physics and zoology. We love talking to each other and about ideas. Why do you feel so detached from it that you can’t even imagine wanting to know about some “s” era in japan? Its really not scary or weird?

Wow you're rude. I'm glad I don't have to deal with you in my family.

I guess we all relish what we don't have... I just prefer something in between, like a 'how are you,' for 5-15 minutes every fortnight or something, but not a full lecture on art or a full book 'homework'!

Well, clearly there are things about our relationship that I didn't share here. But also my whole childhood he's been explaining things to me and I'm just a bit tired of it. It's more that it's a one-way lecture without getting the hint that this is not what I want to talk about. So it feels self-indulgent (especially as he's my dad and I don't fully endorse his views due to some generational differences). I already engaged with the gadget talk. Must we all share interests to that extent? I don't think so.

My dad discovered "memes" during covid and our family WhatsApp is now littered with them daily but they make him laugh and actually it's really bonded us, because I'll pick up the phone and just chat to him about it for a bit and then move onto something else. I was definitely that moody teenager but I just relish our conversations now plus he's such a good dad to us, I'm happy to give him his "menes" my god he probably listened enough to me whinging as a teen. Don't let this become a thing is my advice. In the future, this will not matter but it's the time you have with him that does.

OK, this is great advice, thanks.

There’s your mistake, trying to avoid being superficial. Your dad would love some superficial positivity, same as the way a kid wants you to like their experimental cooking and you have to pretend. Just do AI level responses and everyone will be happy.

OH gosh. I see it now. Such a wise thing to do!!!! thanks!!

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time on here, OP - people are imagining your dad is an affable older gentleman just wanting connection and going about it a bit cackhandedly. But if the only way he has ever been able to engage with you is by monologising about his own interests, it’s tough and quite hurtful.

I can take this from my old school friend because I’ve never needed anything from her, and it was clear from early on she had considerable social difficulties, so it doesn’t feel particularly hurtful to me that literally my only value to her is as someone with ears and a pulse who will sit with her while she talks for hours.

But it’s hard when it’s your parent who is like this, and who might never in your life have been able to consider who you are or what you might be interested in. It feels very uncaring.

I get it - I’ve been there. Thousands of hours of my childhood spent being talked at by my (likely autistic) father about Celtic textiles and the history of the Aregntinian cowboy epic. (Which is how I honed my skills of completely separating my mind from my body and going away deep inside myself when people infodump on me for hours on end)

Why can't you do exactly that?
I'm very different from my Mum, and wouldn't say I find her easy to talk to. But maintaining a relationship is really important to me (and her). So I've set some clear ground rules ("Love you, want to stay in touch, struggling with current conversations, can we please do this instead?")
We talk once a week during my lunch break (same day each week). It's usually between 15-30 minutes. There's a natural time limitation and cut off because I call after I finish eating and before I need to go back to work. I find the regular contact helps smooth the conversation. It's easier to find topics we both enjoy when we're chatting regularly. I'm also very direct and clear about not finding things interesting as my Mum is not perceptive and can't read hints, and she's 70 now so that's not going to change.
I'd say your Dad is really keen to connect with you and might be open to suggestions to make it work.