Mum to 3

[JessicaRabbit6]

Hey,
struggling with my father. He’s on his own a 20/30 minute drive from me. told me if it wasn’t for Netflix he would be dead as there’s nothing else for him to do. My three children are challenging two have Sen needs one of them does not like being out of his normal setting. So I said to my dad let’s have a routine where I come for dinner every Monday this lasted a week as he said the noise from the children got him stressed and he shook his head the whole time in disgust at the behaviour which was nothing at what I go through. He constantly msgs FACETIME? which I dread because we all know what happens as soon as a parent goes on the phone the house changes. He’s got some health issues, latest is he’s got no energy and was well for a day on some tablets before he read the small print he is just miserable… what can I suggest because I feel on edge now he doesn’t want to see my kids on a Monday because it’s too much for him which is fine but only wants to see me on my day off which means me travelling to him on the Monday. I just don’t know what to suggest he’s not short of a few bob either so I don’t understand why he’s becoming de

Dependent on me. It’s like I’m lonely but I don’t want to visit or see you with your kids

Suggest he joins some clubs and activities, also gently suggest that he see his GP for depression as he is now affecting your mental health.

Give him a time you can see him that is convenient for you, if he doesn't want to do it, that's on him.

Have a schedule for facetimes. I call my mum at the same times each week. I know to expect it and I'm not constantly waiting for a message.

As much as I understand feeling guilty, your dad's mental health and enjoyment of life is not your responsibility.

My mum was exactly the same so I started explaining to her why her life was actually very privileged and I told her that conversations with her were getting me down.
She got the message, but I do still keep firm boundaries.

Emotional manipulation seems quite common when our parents get older. You have your hands full with the kids.

Its a shame your dad doesn't like his life and the company on offer from his family, but that tough isn't it? Your DC are the family he has and he's very fortunate to have them and you in his life. He sounds entitled and as though he expects everything to run to his liking, but that's not how families work (I'm sure you'd like a more independent cheerful dad for that matter!) But we make the best of what we have. If your dad won't do that, that's on him, and nothing for you to feel bad about. You sound a good daughter.

I cared for my dad for five years before he passed away last October. I look back now and don't know how I did it. Because he only lives around the corner everything fell to me and I let my whole life slide away. The more I gave the more he wanted. It was as though he saw me as a substitute for my late mother.
I felt so bad that he was lonely I went every day and slept over 2/3 times a week but he still wasn't happy. I tried clubs and activities and although he did try them he would come back home and moan about them!
Please don't feel bad as his happiness is his responsibility. Don't get made into a whirlwind doormat like I was. It made me ill in the end.

Thank you for your reply.
honestly I come away from the phone call feeling depressed. My kids keep me so so busy I don’t actually have time for anything else, let alone a FaceTime call, followed up by ?? ?? If I don’t answer. I suggested he speak to the doctors but he says you can never get hold of them, an excuse for everything and I’m starting to feel like if you can’t help yourself I don’t know what you expect me to do attitude.

i think all I needed was abit of reassurance that I’m not the bad person and I shouldn’t feel guilty for it. I would love to be on my own all day watching Netflix with a lovely pension. But hey ho. Thank you again.

Bless you. My dad retired earlier than the normal age so clearly he is very bored. He lives in remote location which is a *** to get to especially with my lot whaling in the back of the car with after school restraint collapse I just feel
like he sees the kids as naughty and cannot accept they actually have a disabilitys. He has never come to see me on a whim though. He would do anything for me don’t get me wrong and would be there in a shot it’s just the whole bonding with the kids he just can’t accept that they will never be ‘seen and not heard’

Definitely not a bad person!

My mum has 3 mortgage free houses and has the nerve to complain about her life whilst I am struggling financially in a rental. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

I think sometimes in the UK we have a habit of infantilizing people once they get to a certain age.

If anyone else had no empathy or understanding then we would feel we had every right to be pissed off.

It's no different a friend doing it or our parents and I have been so much better since I started holding mum to that standard.

It is either a reciprocal relationship that is mostly positive (but we lean on each other equally if we need to) or I lessen contact.

Your children deserve you to have the best mental health that you can have, so if you ever feel guilty remember that any good parent would want their children to be happy.

It's time to be really direct with him. He will either realise and put things into action... or it will be his loss.

I have a son with ASD and although my dad loved him he did say some quite awful things and as he got older he got worse. Things like "well he didn't get it from our side of the family" which as you can imagine made me see red.
I'm just rebuilding my life now but I spent almost 3 months in bed after he passed away due to sheer burnout.

Thank you. Don’t get me wrong he would do anything for me but my children come first and I feel
lime I went over and above to
come
out of my way with them to his for him to just sit there in disbelief. He even text me
later that evening saying ‘I don’t know how you cope’ and I felt rage then, I have to because clearly nobody else can. I also work and have a house to run and with a son with ASD you will know that the house doesn’t stay tidy for 10 minutes 😭🫠 im
on edge around anyone’s house but feel most on edge around my dads that’s saying something

an excuse for everything and I’m starting to feel like if you can’t help yourself I don’t know what you expect me to do attitude.

I think you need to say that to him.

From your posts, I'm not getting that your Dad has illness or disabilities that prevent him living his life a different way, so he is choosing to just sit in his house and watch TV. There is so much out there for people to do, if they want to. There are all sorts of communities he could be part of, if he wanted to, depending on his interests.
You have to make it clear what should be blindingly obvious to a parent that you have your hands full with your lovely dc, work, keeping the house and everything else that fills up your time. That you have offered to drive over once a week and spend time but that you now come as a package with children who do have additional needs, and who do need your attention.

Ask him to suggest what it is that he thinks could be done differently.