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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for your stories when the gift of fear has kept you safe?

13 replies

Rofhdj · 14/03/2025 21:51

Just read Gavin de Becker’s book the Gift of Fear (which every woman should read) and thought it was brilliant. Has anyone else read it and fancy a discussion? Has it ever kept anyone safe in real life? (The book or actually fear.)

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 14/03/2025 21:59

Not read or heard of book
However. I think hunch is a really useful tool and it can guide decision making consciously and unconsciously

FleaDog · 14/03/2025 22:33

No, but I am a terrible judge of character and by wanting to see the best in people it's put me in some poor situations and blinded me to some truly unpleasant pople.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/03/2025 22:37

FleaDog · 14/03/2025 22:33

No, but I am a terrible judge of character and by wanting to see the best in people it's put me in some poor situations and blinded me to some truly unpleasant pople.

Did you ever ignore a niggle or hunch to latterly find out the person was a bad un?women are socialised to be nice encouraged to be Compliant people pleasers

Whatabouterry · 14/03/2025 22:41

I’ve read it and agree that it’s brilliant. I don’t know if it’s specifically kept me safe, but it has made me think differently about certain situations and given me useful advice to share with my teens.

LadyGAgain · 14/03/2025 22:41

I was brought up to never get into cars with strangers: strangers meant anyone you don't actually personally know. So when very famous man pulled up alongside me and asked me to get in his car (I was 15), I said no.
He was later revealed to be one of the worst paedophiles in this country. I had a fear of 'you must not get into a car with a stranger" rather than this man IYSWIM!

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 14/03/2025 22:51

LadyGAgain · 14/03/2025 22:41

I was brought up to never get into cars with strangers: strangers meant anyone you don't actually personally know. So when very famous man pulled up alongside me and asked me to get in his car (I was 15), I said no.
He was later revealed to be one of the worst paedophiles in this country. I had a fear of 'you must not get into a car with a stranger" rather than this man IYSWIM!

Shock Good for you for refusing the lift.

I am offered lifts quite often when on long walks around my village and surrounding areas, and I refuse EVERY TIME. It's often people I don't know too. Why the fuck would I get into a car with a stranger? It's sometimes men, sometimes women. But even if it's a woman I am not getting into her car.

They are actually offended sometimes when I say no, and look at me like >>> Hmm or Confused

IDGAF how 'helpful' they want to be, I am not getting into their bloody car.

I have a very strong gift of fear, and I trust very few people. I am very unlikely to be scammed as I am a very suspicious person and question everything. I would never lend anyone any money, and I will never be a guarantor. I just don't have faith in many people.

It's always worked for me.

This book 'The Gift Of Fear' sounds interesting.

LadyGAgain · 14/03/2025 22:54

Good for you @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway
Stay safe

GlorificusT · 14/03/2025 22:55

I read it years ago OP and always stayed with me. Twice I’ve been by myself going for a walk on the local park and knew I was being followed. In one case I turned back and went home, another I chose not to go into the park at all as I knew I was going to be followed in and potentially attacked.

More than anything I just trust that little voice and don’t doubt myself. It can save your life.

GarabostGal · 14/03/2025 23:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

saladandchipp · 14/03/2025 23:27

I have not benefited from a gut feeling at all. I have made terrible mistakes and trusted people I shouldn’t.

I never had ‘an inkling’ the gym coach was a paedophile for example.

Ive got into cars with strangers and put myself in really risky situations. I’ve made it this far but definitely more by luck than judgement.

GiftedFear · 14/03/2025 23:42

I've got a few. This one fits de Becker's theme quite well; I've changed name because I've told the story before. It happened in another country. I was walking home at night and did not hear the man behind me at all. He put a knife to my throat. I stood very still and quiet, then thought I should try to gauge his state of mind (this all happened in a second).

I leaned back into him a little so I could feel his heart, which was beating very fast. This could mean he was either excited or scared but it did tell me he was emotional, which was useful information. In hopes of helping to calm him, I asked, as nicely as I could, what he wanted. He said "Shut up or I'll hurt you." I took it as a good sign that he hadn't said "kill you" and his heart slowed a bit, so I added that I wanted to know if I could help in some way.

I didn't speak the language very well, and he was surprised by my accent. This led to him asking a bit about me, which I reckoned was great because he'd set out to attack a woman he didn't know. The script had to change if he felt he knew me. We'd already been talking for a couple of minutes when I asked him to take the knife off my throat - and he apologised!

Crisis averted but he was young and fit, with a large knife and issues, so I felt it would be prudent to keep building the friendly relationship. I got him to move us into a place with shops and people, bought us both a Coke and some cigarettes, and spent about an hour talking to him. It felt much, much longer.

That night was the single most intensive language learning experience I've had! He eventually let me go of his own accord, so wasn't going to follow me home.

In a long-ago self defence lesson, I'd learned that you should try to do something your attacker does NOT expect. My options were limited because of the knife, but I reckoned he'd have imagined crying or fighting so I made friendly conversation instead. Everything else - every word I said, every move I made, every change of expression - was coming from 'instinct' and I followed it precisely.

=======================

One of things that really jumped out at me from The Gift Of Fear was about odd things people say - often as a joke - which show their subconscious mind has figured something out and is trying to make itself heard. One of de Becker's examples was a mail-room worker, who said "I'm not opening that parcel, it's a bomb, haha." It was.

This happens more often than we think - one gruesome example is the station staff nicknaming Wayne Couzens "the rapist". I now try to pay more attention to all mind-blurts, mine and other people's.

FleaDog · 15/03/2025 16:48

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/03/2025 22:37

Did you ever ignore a niggle or hunch to latterly find out the person was a bad un?women are socialised to be nice encouraged to be Compliant people pleasers

I'm not sure, that could be a significant part of the isse, I think I just hope to see some kindness in people and focus on that, trying to be positive, if that makes sense.

I'm getting more savvy in older age.

takehimjolene · 15/03/2025 17:31

Many years ago a friend and I were on holiday in a country where 2 western women alone got a lot of unwanted attention and didn't dare go to local bars etc at night because of this. We agreed to go out one evening with a trusted male and his wife (he worked with the UK based tour operator and seemed to be a lovely family focused man). He picked us up in a taxi and said that his wife was still getting ready so we were collecting her on the way. He took a phone call (in a language that we didn't know) and said that his wife was not feeling well but we would meet his brother at a bar. We'd understood that we were going to a local bar but we drove past and took us to an out of town club a long way from anywhere, where everyone seemed to know him and we were ushered to a VIP area with loads of other men. Nothing actually happened to us, but we were concerned so we said we need to go to the toilet then left and got a taxi back to our hotel. I have wondered since what would have happened if we stayed. If he really had just been a nice guy I'd have thought he would be concerned when we disappeared but when we next saw him he said nothing and kept his distance.

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