MIL - AIBU?

[PeachyPotatoes]

I’ve had a strained relationship with my MIL for a while, and would really like to sort things out with her.

The problem is, MIL doesn’t take any accountability for her words or actions and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep the peace.

My husband and I had a very difficult time last year, culminating in our almost separation. Through marriage counselling and a lot of hard work, we are now in a better place than ever. But MIL insists on bad mouthing me at any opportunity (including in front of our children).

My husband agrees this can’t carry on, and wants to arrange a meeting between MIL and I to discuss things. I’m happy to do so, but have reservations as I’ve attempted this before, and she remained surface level civil until she saw an opportunity to criticise me again.

So, AIBU to meet with MIL and be completely honest about how she’s made me feel? Or should I placate her with the view of keeping her at arms length in future?

She needs consequences for shit talking you in front of your husband and child. And your husband needs to be telling her what's going to happen, not you.

Come to Jesus meetings don't really work unless you set out what's going to happen the next time she dares open her yap about you.

I wouldn't agree to the meeting. Your DH should be supporting you - not letting her badmouth you at all, especially not in front of the DC's

That meeting sounds like a very bad idea. I would grey rock her and ignore. DH can deal with it. If she speaks shit in front of the DC again that is the last time she sees them. I had to do this. PIL started behaving themselves. We've been NC with BIL for 30 years.

She isn’t interested in your words. Don’t waste your breath.

Decide how you will live your life and your children (and if it’s NC with her, all the better) and get on with organising it.

Do NOT do the meeting!!!

With these type of people, these type of MIL is you have to figure out their agenda. Because they've got one.

The most likely culprit is usually jealousy. By any chance Is she a widow? Single? Had she only got sons? Is her life fulfilled and gally surrounded by people? Or is she quite an isolated and lonely Individual? I'm guessing at least some of these apply?

So to her it's a game. At the minute she's winning. The idea of the game is to wind you up and watch you go. She's cool calm and collected whilst you're emotional, reactive and wound up.

It's simple. Stop playing the game. It's only a game if there's 2 players. She can't get in the ring by herself to have a boxing match.

What I did with my own MIL is killed her with kindness. I kept being bloody nice. I acted dumb and naive and did not pick up on any of her passive aggressive digs or winds ups. (Of course I did pick up on them ) But I acted completely dumb! These people are sneaky in how they get you to fire up. I enrolled basically my own version of the 'grey rock' - I kept being neutral, nice and incredibly boring. I could tell that initially it sounds her up and surprised her. She was so desperate to cause trouble and see me react.

I read somewhere that this type of person struggles to directly express themselves so they enjoy watching you play out the emotions that they cannot express (rage, anger, strong emotion) it's like going to the theatre for them.

Limit contact also. Treat her like a child. Good behaviour gets rewarded (if she behaves nicely, you might pop over for a cuppa with the kids) if she gets up to her old tricks, you back away. No explanation, let your actions talk.

Trust me, she'll get the picture and eventually she'll have to stop with the two man war when she realises you're not in battle. It'll get boring and she'll risk exposing herself for what she's doing.

Great that your DH is on board. That's essential. Bad mouthing you in front of the kids is unacceptable. Back away until she behaves. If she doesn't behave, then you go low to no contact. She'll be forced into asking why rather than it coming from you in some big dramatic talk where she'll make you look highly strung and crazy.

Good luck.

Unless you have been reciprocal in bad mouthing her etc, it isn’t your job to meet and plead your case / placate her. Your DH should simply tell her that she needs to stop it, support his marriage and his family, no messing.

If on the other hand there have been misunderstandings, mutual slagging off etc, it might help to have a meeting to say ‘time for us all to move on’

But given that she bad mouths you to your children it sounds like DH needs to lay down a boundary, and cut her off the first time she crosses it.

Years ago my MIL upset me, months and months of negative comments about me.

We did sit down, MIL, FIL, DP and me. We did sort it and MIL and I have a great relationship. I totally love her.

BUT my MIL wanted to sort things, she listened and even if she thought I unreasonable/couldnt see my point of view - she sat and listened. And we drew a line under things, hugged and made future plans.

Would your MIL actually want to sort things or is she happy running you down? If you think she'd not want to change things - then I'd probably not see the point in trying to speak with her.

Also, confronting these types is often the worst thing you can do..
They're playing by a different rule book.

It'll go one way. You'll pour your heart and soul out heavily laced with genuine emotions and this only feeds Into their game. You're then the highly strung, highly emotional, crazy one whilst they're the "victim" of you.

See my advice above!

My husband agrees this can’t carry on, and wants to arrange a meeting between MIL and I to discuss things.

The meeting should be between DH and his mother, and there should be no discussion. He should be telling her straight to pack it in or she'll be seeing a lot less of all of you.

Don't let him make you responsible for HER problem. Is he by any chance a mummy's boy? Why won't HE stand up to her?

Go to the meeting, be honest, calm and non hostile and see what happens

Your husband is being too passive. He needs to tell his mother to stop badmouthing you in front of his children regardless of whether you have a talk with her or not.