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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nasty work colleague

36 replies

Charltonstrek · 14/03/2025 18:33

I've posted previously about this but I'm just looking for outside opinions once again.
My workplace where I was very happy for 18 years closed down and myself and 3 other colleagues have got a job with another company in the same place which I was very pleased about as we all get on well.
We work in a care setting with vulnerable service users I myself have autism and adhd and I've struggled alot in my life I feel very awkward around people maybe some social anxiety Im not sure but I probably myself come across soft and vulnerable. I'm finding it hard to adjust to the changes.
One colleague at New place is giving off vibes to me hardly talks to me ignores me only answers me in a 2 word sentence etc but chats away to the others which I gathered was because they are familiar to her.
My 3 colleagues as soon as theyve started which was after me straight away she's been chatty with them showing them things etc etc and I feel absolutely stupid and hurt by it. Before we started at this place we was aware of her been a potential problem with new people we had heard things from the manager and we was all wondering how she would be with us and when I started first I found that she was indeed not a very nice person then my other colleagues start and no issue it's really upset me and I'm wondering what to do. Family have said I should take her to one side and speak to her and that she's probably sensing my vulnerabilities.

OP posts:
Bushmillsbabe · 14/03/2025 19:21

Charltonstrek · 14/03/2025 18:51

Oh dear I've never had anybody dislike me in fact I'm usually well liked not that I'm gloating but it's true so I'm clueless.
My friend thinks she manipulative and a secret bully.

Your friend is right - classic bullying behaviour. If she is mean to all of the new staff, they might make a complaint, moan about her etc. If she is only mean to you, then she is trying to create a divide between you and them by treating differently, if you say anything, they will say, 'she is fine with us, OP must wrong/over sensitive', making you look like the unreasonable one and isolating you. It's nothing you have done or not done, it's all about her. Which doesn't make it any nicer for you, but hopefully makes you realise it's not your fault.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 14/03/2025 19:24

Bushmillsbabe · 14/03/2025 19:21

Your friend is right - classic bullying behaviour. If she is mean to all of the new staff, they might make a complaint, moan about her etc. If she is only mean to you, then she is trying to create a divide between you and them by treating differently, if you say anything, they will say, 'she is fine with us, OP must wrong/over sensitive', making you look like the unreasonable one and isolating you. It's nothing you have done or not done, it's all about her. Which doesn't make it any nicer for you, but hopefully makes you realise it's not your fault.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Charltonstrek · 14/03/2025 19:26

TheDandyLion · 14/03/2025 19:10

Which manager gave you warning about her attitude? the manager from where you've just left from or the manager at the new service you now work for?

New service

OP posts:
Original poster
Charltonstrek · 14/03/2025 19:27

I don't think she can divide me and the other 3 colleagues we are all quite close

OP posts:
Anusername · 14/03/2025 19:36

Some people could pick up on vibes indeed. But the best way to react is to ignore her instead of trying to make her like you. Ignore her or pick up the fight when he’s rude. Don’t waste your time on someone who is not worth it.

CornishSkipper · 14/03/2025 20:18

You need to not react to this person. Grey rock technique. I know it’s very difficult. If they don’t get the reaction they crave, they will move to someone who gives them the dopamine hit they clearly crave.

Dr13Hadley · 14/03/2025 20:24

Ahsheeit · 14/03/2025 18:46

I know exactly what you mean, and for me, the best way is to completely ignore the behaviour and only communicate on a professional level. Be kind, without trying to please. Look at it this way - you don't like everyone you come across in life, and it's the same for all people. This isn't a you problem, it's a her problem, and she has to live in that head.

I have the same brain wiring as you, and the above took me a long time to learn.

I agree entirely with this and have a colleague who is the same with me. I’m polite if I have to interact with her but otherwise ignore. I chat to my other colleagues but tbh I’m perfectly happy just keeping to myself. I have adhd too so I get where you’re coming from. I’m very sensitive to rejection or even perceived rejection so have to try and be rational and not always take things personally.

AquaPeer · 14/03/2025 20:30

If your new and current manager warned you about her you need to go back to them with specific examples and say if they manager can’t deal with her you’d like to be on different shifts or at least not working together

if you didn’t have the get out clause of the manager knowing she’s a bully you’d be buggered- you are massively over invested in what work people think and feel and in most cases you’d struggle to get anyone to help.

HellDorado · 14/03/2025 20:39

Charltonstrek · 14/03/2025 18:59

I know I understand but when somebody is been hostile in their responses to you it's really hard.

Try reframing it. Instead of worrying “Why doesn’t Sarah like me?”, think “Isn’t it lucky I get on so well with Kate and Louise and Jane, so it doesn’t matter if Sarah’s a bit of a cow”. You’re fortunate to have good relationships with your other colleagues - that’s far from guaranteed in life!

You know this woman has been a bit of an issue for others too. So she gets on with your other three colleagues - it sounds like there have been plenty of others she doesn’t get on with. I honestly don’t think you need to worry that you’re the issue here 🙂

coldcallerbaiter · 14/03/2025 20:49

You cannot do anything, just ignore her back. She just dislikes you but that doesn’t have to be a problem for you. She is making herself look silly tbh.

EmmaMaria · 14/03/2025 20:51

Before we started at this place we was aware of her been a potential problem with new people we had heard things from the manager

Well there's a problem right there. It is not a managers job to gossip about and criticise a member of staff with other members of staff. No wonder she's bloody wary of new people starting if this is what happens. If there is a professional problem with her, then the manager should deal with that as a professional - not gossip and bitch about her behind her back. And I would lay bets she knows too.

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