To bite the bullet and apply for maintenance

[Wonderfulworldm]

DD (11) lives with me, refuses to spend time with her Dad. Currently going through the court. Also have a DS (9) who is pretty much 50/50 so I said we shouldn't worry about that as he gets what he needs in both houses.

I have been asking him for months to contribute financially for her. However every time he says he can't just work on the basis I buy her something and charge him back. I then tried to agree up front what she needed but that still didn't work.

He says he has got her new uniform and things at his house for when she is ready to go back and stay there. This is very unlikely to happen so I asked if he would bring the things so she could make use of them, he said no.

He has now created a spreadsheet that we have to log what we have bought for the kids. He has listed on there, a bed, computer and chair that are apparently for her!! Also said we should open a joint bank account!! When we were married he cut up my bank card on our joint account so that won't be happening!!

I've been unsure on a formal application as he is controlling and I know there will be a blow back from him possibly using DS to stay more with him! I just don't think it's right anymore that he isn't contributing.

Yanbu, I wouldn't be engaging with him on this particular matter - spreadsheets is too much faff, plus, he's probably claiming he's bought things that are actually used by others

In this situation, I'd apply for maintenance x

I would use the online calculator to work out what he should pay and suggest that to him as a starting point. After all you are feeding her and supporting her full time. If that doesn’t work I would go through the CSA. Don’t go down the route of logging everything you each spend on them, that is madness!

My exH was very anti the CSA and for the sake of a quiet life I didn’t bother, we just agreed an amount. Looking back I really wish I had just used the CSA right from the start- he lied about his income to me for years.

I went to CSA from the start. It's the right thing. The men can lie, he will lie.

Managing his reaction may be a problem. It is usually best to let him know ( once you're sure and it's underway!) You let him know when you've started it, it's not to ask him, it's to let him know it is happening.

Something like ' I appreciate we are trying to find a way to share the costs of ( daughter). I'm really struggling to keep on top of all this so I've submitted an application to CSA to just calculate it all for us '.

yes, claiming maintenance is the way.
I would go with an argument that maintenance is much clear and simple way for both of you rather then spreadsheets and similar.
She is nearly a teen so she needs to have a say on what’s bought for her at least in preparation for her adult independence.

I know the real reason is not this but you need an explanation which looks reasonable and rational.

And yes to @Wishyouwerehere50 suggestion to let him know rather then ask him

Do online calculation.
Suggestion of that amount to him.
Depending on his response
Tell him you will speak to CMS
Speak to CMS
If he refuses cut you nose spite your face and do collect and pay you and he will lose a % but so much easier than relying on him.

Good luck

One thing I noticed with CMS is every time one person contacts them they seem to contact the other parent. Over any query I noticed it happening. That can be tricky so it's always best to tell him when you're engaging, any updates you give them or any query regards your case.

If he's a douche bag, he seems he really can be if he wants to be, then this subject, child maintenance, is a massive trigger for these men. They see it like the women are controlling them or taking their money off them. Many men see it from this perspective. So be careful in case he makes life difficult. Play the game softly basically.

The spreadsheet shit is ridiculous, unworkable and simply demonstrates a rather bizarre controlling and self deluding mentality he has.

He sounds like a controlling (lying) dick. Just go for child support

The spreadsheet is just a way to control you. Fuck that! Apply for maintenance. He can't force her to visit him in order to get her school uniform. I can see why you divorced him!