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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that most people only pretend to care about mental health until someone actually struggles?

10 replies

ThatLovingOpalFawn · 14/03/2025 15:59

Everyone loves saying “check on your friends” until their friend is too depressed to be fun anymore.

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 14/03/2025 16:08

Mental health is scary for most people. I care for DH who suffers from LB dementia. This has come on quite quickly over the last three years. Probably two thirds of the people we would have called friends have disappeared. It happens I am afraid.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/03/2025 16:13

I don’t think it’s that extreme.
In this modern climate it’s encouraged to open up
to friends about mental health issues. But it’s such a huge umbrella of conditions - there is a big difference between dealing with a friend with low mood to
someone with bipolar who refuses to take their meds.
The advice to friends who listen is to do so without judgement and offer practical support without offering solutions.
Issues arise because we aren’t trained psychiatrists. And when you also have a busy life or may be struggling yourself, then becoming someone’s support person can bring you down. It’s not that they aren’t fun anymore. It’s that they become very insular and they don’t even see you.
All of the above is generalised and is based on my experience as both a support person and a depressed person.
There is so little in the way of help, so if it can be accessed it’s also a challenge if the person refuses to engage.
I would say I’m certainly by no means the model patient. I have now recognised I’ve lost friends along the way. It was only when I decided I wanted to get well, and took it seriously, that I realised professional help was key.
My good friends have stayed with me, and I now understand that my time with them better serves us all if we are doing things we enjoy.
It may be good to talk, but you need someone professional, who doesn’t become like a depressed babysitter while you repeat the same things over and over and get nowhere. A therapist will stop you doing that and will challenge you.

Catza · 14/03/2025 17:33

I check on my depressed friend but I draw a line at checking on them every day multiple times a day. Firstly, I am not their only friend. Secondly, she doesn't always want to talk even when I do. And thirdly, I don't expect to pick up all the responsibility for the relationship. She knows where I am if she needs me and I reflect her enough to recognise that I shouldn't take away her agency to decide when to contact someone.
If you feel left out, maybe consider how often you reach to people yourself or whether you feel victimised because someone doesn't give you a daily phonecall. Of whether when you reach out to people, you expect them to listen to you but forget to ask them how they are.

Pottedpalm · 14/03/2025 17:36

I think it can be difficult to empathise if you have never struggled yourself. It’s easy to think people should ‘snap out of it’ but having experienced a thankfully short period of anxiety I now have more understanding

DoYouReally · 14/03/2025 17:42

I do care but there are a few things that make me withdraw:

  • where someone starts using me as a permanent crutch
  • where the person does nothing to help themselves (I.e you have a diagnosis which requires medication - where someone refuses to take it, refuses counselling, GP visits or any other supports available

I'm happy to support anyone struggling and doing their best but my line is with people who refuse to help themselves or never take helpful advise.

It's draining supporting someone 100% and I don't do it anymore. If that makes me bad person, so be it.

thecherryfox · 14/03/2025 18:57

I remember being 16 and trying to take my life. Beforehand I reached out to my friend and just asked for advice on if I should tell my parents as I was struggling mentally. She told her sister in law who basically bullied me and shamed me for speaking about my mental health to another person. I ended up keeping silent out of shame and disgust in myself and tried to take my life a month later.

this same ‘friend’ over 10 years later is an advocate on Instagram for mental health and preaches how people need to reach out when struggling. It’s disgraceful - most people pretend to care as an act but when it comes to the reality of it, people don’t want to put their time or energy into helping someone.

When someone is no longer able to visit friends or family because of their mental health - these ‘friends’ ditch them. When someone has the not so ‘trendy’ symptoms of mental illness where they cannot shower regularly - they’re shamed. People don’t care and it’s the harsh reality

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 14/03/2025 18:59

DoYouReally · 14/03/2025 17:42

I do care but there are a few things that make me withdraw:

  • where someone starts using me as a permanent crutch
  • where the person does nothing to help themselves (I.e you have a diagnosis which requires medication - where someone refuses to take it, refuses counselling, GP visits or any other supports available

I'm happy to support anyone struggling and doing their best but my line is with people who refuse to help themselves or never take helpful advise.

It's draining supporting someone 100% and I don't do it anymore. If that makes me bad person, so be it.

Agree. Same for me.

Catza · 14/03/2025 19:30

thecherryfox · 14/03/2025 18:57

I remember being 16 and trying to take my life. Beforehand I reached out to my friend and just asked for advice on if I should tell my parents as I was struggling mentally. She told her sister in law who basically bullied me and shamed me for speaking about my mental health to another person. I ended up keeping silent out of shame and disgust in myself and tried to take my life a month later.

this same ‘friend’ over 10 years later is an advocate on Instagram for mental health and preaches how people need to reach out when struggling. It’s disgraceful - most people pretend to care as an act but when it comes to the reality of it, people don’t want to put their time or energy into helping someone.

When someone is no longer able to visit friends or family because of their mental health - these ‘friends’ ditch them. When someone has the not so ‘trendy’ symptoms of mental illness where they cannot shower regularly - they’re shamed. People don’t care and it’s the harsh reality

I am sorry for your experience as a child. However, I think it’s a bit unfair to compare a 16 year old to a 26 year old and think that an older person being a MH advocate is “disgusting” because 10 years ago she didn’t act as one. Hearing someone struggling with MH at the age of 16 is quite a difficult thing to deal with. One simply doesn’t have enough life experience, skills or executive function to problem-solve around that. Confining in a relative could have been necessary for your fiend’s self-preservation. What her SIL did as a result is really not something your friend is responsible for. Becoming a MH advocate 10 years later as an adult is surely a positive thing. She grew, she changed and she is passionate about a subject that at 16 she could have had little awareness of.
I am a completely different person at 40 than I was at 16. Everyone is.

Griefandwithdrawing · 14/03/2025 20:14

DoYouReally · 14/03/2025 17:42

I do care but there are a few things that make me withdraw:

  • where someone starts using me as a permanent crutch
  • where the person does nothing to help themselves (I.e you have a diagnosis which requires medication - where someone refuses to take it, refuses counselling, GP visits or any other supports available

I'm happy to support anyone struggling and doing their best but my line is with people who refuse to help themselves or never take helpful advise.

It's draining supporting someone 100% and I don't do it anymore. If that makes me bad person, so be it.

Completely agree. I am very pro mental health and supporting people. I have been taken advantage of though at a very vulnerable time myself, so I'm much more guarded in how much support I give as a result.

Life is also so busy these days, people are stretched thin. I've been working full time, 2 young children, supporting an elderly parent in decline a distant away. The job I do is emotionally demanding. There is very little left of me to give after all my responsibilities.

missusmessy · 15/03/2025 09:19

Unfortunately, serious mental health issues are common in my family. My son has schizophrenia and a serious anxiety disorder, my husband has a similar set of diagnoses (son lives in supported accommodation; husband is in residential care) and my youngest son has a serious anxiety disorder and an eating disorder. I was also hospitalised for an eating disorder throughout my mid teens and twenties, and my mother was hospitalised twice for hypermania.

In all our cases, one of the consequences of serious and chronic mental illness is loneliness and isolation. Mental illness often leads to self-isolation, but it also can manifest in behaviours that are difficult for others to cope with. Certainly my eldest son's behaviours and my husband's behaviours when they had psychotic episodes were impossible to deal with, and my behaviours when in the grips of an eating disorder were impossible for my family to manage.

So, yes, I agree, contact does tend to fall away . It would be nice to think that professional services would pick up the threads of support when friends and family can no longer provide adequate help. However, in my family's case, I have found this not to be the case. For example, my eldest son is visited every week day by one of his care team, but throughout the rest of the day, he is alone. He frequents places where he finds people who will be kind to him, a local shop where the owner will let him sit and talk to him, a cat cafe where 'gentle' people congregate. The interactions are short lived, but they mean so much to my son. My husband likes to talk, but there are very few people in his care facility that have the time or, unfortunately, the ability to have a conversation with him.

Thank you OP for raising this subject. With the current focus of the media being firmly placed on the 'cost' of mental health difficulties to the economy, it is helpful to consider the realities of living with mental illness.

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