Should I just chill and get over it?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

We have some good friends that are great company and fun to be with, but they have always lived in a very chaotic way; always crisis to crisis - mostly because they are unable to prioritise and regularly cry on our shoulders because they’ve become overwhelmed in either clutter, hoarding or circumstances. They’ve decided that in order to sort their lives out, they need to downsize. They’ve sold their house for a very decent price, put most of their stuff in storage (and in our and other friends garages) and moved into short term rental - 2 weeks - and then moving, rent free, into another one of their friend’s property for 3 weeks.

The way they live wasn’t a particular issue as it didn’t directly affect us, but throughout our friendship, they’ve never been shy about asking favours. We regularly had their dog when they went on holiday (in exchange for an box of fudge) until I pointed out that it didn’t get along with mine and my cat was very unsettled with it in the house. I suggested a lovely kennels that we use, and that was dismissed as their dog ‘wouldn’t like it’ and they didn’t want to pay £30 a day! There were a couple of subsequent comments about us ‘not liking’ their pet, which wasn’t the issue, I just felt a bit taken advantage of. They then found someone else who is willing to help them out.

We are away for three weeks in April, and they have already made noises about moving and staying in our house in exchange for looking after our dog and cat and further saving themselves more rental. I’ve already made arrangements for my animals over this period, so I don’t need the favour, but my AIBU is; am I being too judgmental and would it be too harsh to say no? They’re a couple who repeatedly create their own problems with their disorganisation and inability to prioritise, and whilst I have absolutely no doubt they would look after the place, I feel that I’m becoming too accommodating and that by choosing to actively sell their house with nowhere in mind to purchase, they should have included their own contingency and made formal rental arrangements.

Are they being cheeky or do I just need to learn to chill?

I wouldn't be letting them in my house, you might have trouble getting rid of them if they lay it on thick about having nowhere else to go. I'd honestly distance myself from them altogether too, they sound draining to be around.

No. Stick to your arrangements, OP.
I think it would be a bad move to introduce their chaos to your home for 3 weeks.

You've already made arrangements for your pets so you can just say no. Considering their past behaviour giving them a definite no is ideal. What makes you think you can't do this?

You don't need to "chill" and you don't owe this to them. You're not comfortable with it and that's reason enough.

They do sound very chaotic and people like this often have difficulty respecting other people's boundaries. Don't do it.

Yeah, nothing in your post makes me think this is something I would want to do, or people I would want to do a favour for.

I'd just say no. I'd just say my pets don't like other animals being in the house, end of discussion.

I guess it’s because I value the friendship - and they are generally lovely people - except when the issues as a result of their chaotic lifestyle spills over into ours.

I’m the opposite in that I like to be organised, know what my plans are, where I’m heading and prefer to have a contingency in case things don’t pan out. Maybe I’m just boring?! 🤭 They complain a lot about being “stressed and depressed” by their circumstances, but seem to be quite skilful in offloading their problems onto others and seem have managed to persuade other friends and family to step in sort out their self made problems.

Thank you. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about boundaries and opened my eyes. This is actually what it’s about. I wouldn’t dream of making my lack of organisation or planning someone else’s problem and wouldn’t have the brass neck either to ask anyone to let me stay in their home rent free when I had £750k in the bank following a house sale. I assume most people would take a 6 month rental whilst house hunting. They don’t seem to have that filter whatsoever.

I would let them stay as I don't think it would massively bother me. But I caveat that with, it's ok that you feel differently. So you're being neither reasonable nor unreasonable. Make up an excuse.

God no. They may be lovely but they also sound like classic users!

No, don’t do it.

What happens in five weeks time? Have they got somewhere to live then? Or is that when they plan to crash at yours, until they find somewhere else…

To use a cliche, their chaotic life is not your responsibility.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas

I wouldn’t dream of making my lack of organisation or planning someone else’s problem and wouldn’t have the brass neck either to ask anyone to let me stay in their home rent free when I had £750k in the bank following a house sale.

Exactly. You've described them as "lovely" and maybe they are but people who make other people responsible for their own organisational failures are at best thoughtless, at worst they are using others.

If they'd been left homeless due to a fire or some genuinely random event it would be a different matter but that is not the case here. They are solvent and perfectly capable of sorting their own living arrangements but have chosen to dump this all on you.

Honestly I would be reconsidering the entire relationship but if you value it don't even think about accommodating them.

You are normal.
i wouldn’t let them stay in mine as im very territorial, i only let people stay if I trust their everyday decisions, and not all friends and relatives can pass this test 🙂

No, don’t let them. They sound exhausting.

@Thepeopleversuswork Thats also a very good point. If it was an emergency or circumstances beyond anyone’s control, I wouldn’t hesitate to open the doors to them. Their house went under offer 5 months ago and they couldn’t find anywhere they liked, so they were extremely lucky that their purchaser hung in there for so long. They eventually decided to sell anyway rather than lose the deal. Consequently, they’ve also had loads of time to arrange a formal short term rental and there’s plenty available in the area.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m bothered about money for ourselves. I just feel it’s our goodwill that’s being taken advantage of.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas That last paragraph is very telling. It seems you’re waking up to the fact that they’re users. Yes, they may be lovely people, entertaining etc but that doesn’t negate that they’re, can i say, cf, and make their problems everyone else’s problems.

In this case, fine fences make for good neighbours seems to be the line to live by.

No. Absolutely not. They sound like users who don't understand that they're users.

I bet they wouldn't help out others they way they're expecting to be helped

Say sorry it just doesn't work for you their staying at your house. You don't need to explain yourself to them.

Just say “no that does work for us”

The very definition of toxic people are demanding, manipulative, boundary pushers usually with a good dollop of controlling behaviour in there too. Your posts have at least 3 of those behaviours. Often though they are good fun too or no one would hang around.

The secret to them is simple. Just keep restating your boundary until they get frustrated, then they call out your character, then they say you never cared about them, then they call you selfish. You just agree with them because it is easier to let idiots win the argument.

Honestly I am unlucky enough to have them in both DH and my families, they are so beyond predictable.

You’ve got this @JohnPrescottsPyjamas

if they are that bad I would be firstly worried they would forget to turn up and if they did the care they gave to my pets would be a bit sporadic to say the least.
Also if they got their arse in the door you may find it hard to get shut. You may get hard luck stories about no where to go to emotionally blackmail you into putting up with them longer. If they have sold their house then they should make proper provision for somewhere to live. I think you may be storing their clutter in your garage for a while yet!

Sod that! No way!

I think you need to separate out how you feel about the way they chose to live their life from if you want them to stay at your home. If you don’t want to that’s fine (I’m not sure I would) but it shouldn’t be primarily based on not approving of their choices

Big fat no. Once they are there they won't leave. Plus more importantly their dog will stress your dog

That’s a very good point and one I’ve tried to be rational about.

I think my frustration comes from the fact I feel I’m almost being guilt tripped or manoeuvred into agreeing for their convenience and that they seem to either choosing not to be reading or ignoring the social cues. There’s almost an expectation rather than a request - if that makes sense?

As I said up thread, they’re great company and we have a lot of fun when we’re all out together, but the answers from you all has highlighted that they are no respecters of certain boundaries and I need to be more assertive when it comes to my own ‘territory’