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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Put downs and oneupmanship

8 replies

pussinboots61 · 13/03/2025 23:08

How do you cope with things like this? A friend of mine is always making comments which I see as put downs or oneupmanship.

Recent examples (via WhatsApp) are:

A day that I had met a male friend in town for a meal. The same day she had gone on a long walk with a friend. The comment, rather than just saying she'd had a good day and hoped I had too, was something like 'We had a long walk, did so many miles/steps, in lovely parkland, far better sitting in a park than in town'. Sitting in parks and walking miles isn't my cup of tea but if she enjoys it fair enough, I would never criticise what she does.

Another example. I met a friend, whom she also knows, for a meal last night who broke her wrist on the ice in January, she's now on the mend and I just mentioned that she is now OK and her boyfriend helped her out when she couldn't do anything with her arm which was good. Her reply was that her other friend, who had an operation on her wrist last year for carpal tunnel, had to manage on her own. In fact she didn't manage on her own as she went to my friend's house for a week along with her suitcase and expected her to look after her. So why make that comment, why not just say 'I'm glad she's recovered now and it's good that she had someone to help her'.

Another one, I have been on a training course at work for the past two days, all to do with mental health. I work with the public and the course was about how to deal with people with mental health issues. I have mental health issues myself and have had a few different sessions of counselling. Her message to me was 'Well you can tell them all about the course as you've had a lot of sessions yourself'. I'm not reading too much into this comment as she's made comments about my counselling session before and why I needed more than one session.

She makes these remarks all the time and it really winds me up yet when we meet up we do get on well apart from all these comments and I have known her a long time.

OP posts:
Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 13/03/2025 23:15

I feel like you’re disproportionately annoyed. I’m quite sure the comments have nothing to do with you and are not about 1 upmanship.

Maybe you need to change your way thinking. I find assuming people have good intentions really helps me .

MummytoE · 13/03/2025 23:19

Agree with the above from @Phonicshaskilledmeoff but also you could try responding with " I don't understand what you mean". If she's being deliberately nasty it will derail her. I'm sure I've seen it on a psychology page but I'm probably not describing it clearly

DazedAndConfused321 · 13/03/2025 23:29

It sounds like she feels threatened and is making passive aggressive digs to make herself feel better about her own life. She's likely jealous of you, or just highly self conscious and projecting. You don't need to keep her around.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 13/03/2025 23:34

Reply, ‘I don’t understand?’ or something similar that requires more of an explanation. That will make them look at what they said and clarify it. You’ll know then if it’s well meaning. Eg if your friend says ‘I’ve been going to the same park in town for weeks and it was nice to have a change’ is really not the same as her saying that you were boring for having a meal in the town.

SwtchedHouse · 14/03/2025 07:39

I feel you OP. Hate peoples like this

SwtchedHouse · 14/03/2025 07:41

I hate these kinds of things OP. It makes me feel bad about myself

Tagyoureit · 14/03/2025 07:46

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 13/03/2025 23:34

Reply, ‘I don’t understand?’ or something similar that requires more of an explanation. That will make them look at what they said and clarify it. You’ll know then if it’s well meaning. Eg if your friend says ‘I’ve been going to the same park in town for weeks and it was nice to have a change’ is really not the same as her saying that you were boring for having a meal in the town.

I agree with this!

She does sound a bit draining and I'd certainly be bored of comments like that.

Definitely ask her "what do you mean?" from now on and then see how she responds. If you think she's digging you out then I'd certainly start distancing myself from her.

SwtchedHouse · 14/03/2025 08:03

Tagyoureit · 14/03/2025 07:46

I agree with this!

She does sound a bit draining and I'd certainly be bored of comments like that.

Definitely ask her "what do you mean?" from now on and then see how she responds. If you think she's digging you out then I'd certainly start distancing myself from her.

I love it when these ‘bullying’ types are questioned about what they’ve said and they’re then speechless as if they’ve been totally wrongfooted !!

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