Feel like an inadequate mum

[crumby23]

I love my kids dearly. They are fed, clean and clothed but I sometimes feel like day to day I'm not as well put together or 'on it' as other mums.

I have to have a coffee and shower before even considering getting out in the morning. In reality it's usually at least 10-11am before we leave the house and much of that time is spent on screens while I get ready and tidy up.

We go out daily but sometimes it's just to the shops or park. I don't have an active schedule filled with wholesome routines like some mums I know who will go swimming in the morning and a class in the afternoon. We go to the library and soft play often and now and then we'll do a day out like a farm or something but generally it's the same things.

We do play doh and drawing but I'm pretty shit at doing other crafts at home. That's what they go to nursery for! I try to bake with them now and then but I don't especially enjoy that either.

I feel like I perhaps need to make more effort and be a bit more structured and imagiantive with my days rather than just winging it. I do work 3 days a week and my eldest has a lot of sporting commitments which take up the weekends but I have one on one time with my toddler two days a week and I guess I feel like I should be doing more.

Are you a super organised mum? Or do you wing it? Have to add that I also have to fit chores and housework in at some point too!

Not at all. Sounds like you're doing great.

With respect, I think your view of yourself as a mum is very negative and incorrect.

It sounds likes your children have a lovely happy life with lots of variety and fun.

They are lucky to have a mum like you.

Give yourself some credit please.

Bullshit that parents put up on Instagram can cause this

My kids maybe get a bit too much screen time (an hour a day max)
But I'm a single parent so have not always had many options

Mine get park daily
Library trips
Arts and crafts galore

I often feel like a shit parent
But we are doing well

They are secure
Happy
Well loved

Go easy on yourself
It is bloody hard going xxxx

Mine get way more screen time. Not too worried about my tween as he plays outdoors a lot and when he's on his console he's generally chatting and playing with friends so it feels a bit more social. Not as keen on my younger child watching mindless crap on YouTube but it's literally the only way I can get anything done.

I just always feel a bit under prepared or not quite doing enough. Pp is correct that social media doesn't help.

Honestly, the most important thing you can do for your kids is build a happy, healthy respectful relationship with them. Anything else is froth, and the effort you put into this will reap massive rewards as they, and you, get older.

Presumably on weekdays you are out the house earlier for the school run? So 10.30ush at weekends is fine!

Sounds like you're doing great!

Only thing you may wish to change before your eldest starts school is how long it takes to get ready to go out. You may have to forget your shower some mornings and do school run in a dishevelled state, then shower later. Some mornings my toddler doesn't want to go on school run so I put her all in one over her pjs, she eats Gruffalo biscuits in buggy and I dress, brush her afterwards. And if my older child is fussing about his uniform being the wrong one (he has 5 sets but only 1 pair of trousers are his favourite) or he can't find a sock or we've run out of cheerios and the other 5 options are no good... you suddenly find you have 5 mins to brush your teeth, switch your pj pants for joggers and do a wee and wear a long coat to hide pj top. Otherwise you end up at the late gate being told off by the teacher, with the other latecomers!

Other mornings I manage to shower, blow dry my hair, do make up, dress nicely, dress toddler and style her hair, they both eat breakfast then watch Bluey and we arrive early. Probably looking very put together.

You'll notice many mums at school gates look fabulous some days then the next have a dry robe and no make up and are laughing together about their lack of bra.

I should add, I get up at 5am each day with 2 year old so it's not the timing, more how unpredictable kids are!

Get the younger one off YouTube. It's mindless toddler crack and will absolutely be impacting his development negatively. It's better to put up with shouting and screaming.

Other than that I'd say youre doing amazing. I've never managed park all that often and totally hear you on crafts... getting out of the house everyday is brilliant.

I was going to say the same as @dairydebris
switch YouTube for a tv show. Is it shorts they’re watching? That’ll destroy their focus.
tv is better as you need to focus to follow what’s going on and it’s longer.
Get tween into good screen habits too otherwise it just gets worse as they get older. Hard to control screentime for gcse when child is 16 and addicted.
apart from that, it’s fine.

Sounds great overall.

I've no objection to screen time in a day that has other activities. But we don't use YouTube. Could you watch stuff on iPlayer instead? My toddler loves Baby Club, alphablocks, numberblocks, Maddy's Do You Know, Andy's Dinosaur adventures... Then at least I can comfort myself it's broadly educational!

It's so hard

YouTube short are not good at all

Maybe parental settings on tablets?

Mine are banned from regular you tube they were watching alll kinds of madness while I was working late some nights in the room next door

(Didn't happen too often but I kick myself now)

Go easy on yourself

I try gentle parenting
But some days I fail so badly
Shouted one night at 10pm when my three year old just would not sleep I had to be up for 4am the next day
I have only just forgiven myself but my god how do we always stay calm when we are overwhelmed and sleep deprived

You're doing great!

Comparison is theft of joy!!

How old are your kids? Youtube is the devil and I dont allow mine to watch it. So I would put regular tv on for youngest, but apart from that sounds fine.

Agree that YouTube is shite. I had to ban my 10 yr old from watching it.

However plenty of CBeebies is fine!

Don't compare yourself to the perceived notion of other mums wholesome activities. I bet they're doing similar to you in real life!

If it isn't in your nature to be highly scheduled, that's absolutely fine. Ignore what others do, or what they SAY they do. If your children are happy and thriving, that's fine. Personally I don't believe wall to wall planned activities are good for them anyway.

If, however, you actually wish you could get more organised, that's a different issue. I make lists on my phone on days when I want to be more productive and plan timings in advance. It helps me a lot.

Your OP sounds nowhere near what I’d describe as an inadequate mum’

My advice is measure everything against this: will it harm them by the time they're 18?

Sounds like you're offering a range of activities which develop macro and micro motor skills, foster creativity and knowledge about the world. They sound a long way from neglected couch potatoes. You're fine.

It's all fine, except the you tube. Put cbeebies / cbbc on instead.

You're fine!.I have a 9 month old, and we rarely make it out until after midday day. With weaning and naps it takes me an age to get anywhere.

I make it to breastfeeding group once a week, and we go to sensory group once a week. Otherwise I meet my friends at a local cafe for board games, we go on walks, or she spends a lot of time playing and moving on the floor whilst I tidy or etc. She has Miss Rachel on for 30 mins maybe twice a week.

You're doing more than me so I wouldn't worry 🤣 kids don't need to do stuff all the time. It's healthy to be bored. That's how imaginative play forms!

I wasn't constantly occupied as a child, and I used to draw and write my own animal fact file, play games with my beanies (they all had their own complex social groups lol), write stories, read, and play outside!

I wing it - my dd is a teen now and we have a baby and I’m still winging it. We have some routine - for instance the obvious like school and work - and my dd has her activities that she does. Other than that - life is for living. If we want to lie in and have what we call sleepovers where we bake stuff and everyone gets in the adults bed with a movie - then so be it. If we look outside and it’s warm and we decide to take a walk and go wherever it leads - so be it. If we do absolutely nothing - that’s fine too.

There will be the odd play date. But I’ve learned that everyone is different. I’m quite a relaxed person - and a lot of my friends are similar (which is probably why we are friends) - so we end up doing a bunch of last minute stuff with the kids. But most the time we sent doing much unless we want to.

Don’t feel bad - see your parenting style as your superpower x