To feel relieved to have miscarried

[TheWildZebra]

I’m not sure if it’s an AIBU or not, I just feel very guilty for feeling relieved to have miscarried a month ago at 8 weeks and would like to know if others have experience the same. It seems like this is not the normal emotion to have.

At every turn people were so supportive - whether at clinics, work, family and friends - and I was very thankful for the flexibility people gave me as I attended appointments etc. But alongside all the supportive “sorry for your loss”, I really just didn’t feel any loss… I’ve felt relieved to be back at the status quo and not having the deal with the anxiety of having my life turned up side down by having a child. I feel very guilty for having this emotion of relief as from what one reads this is a very traumatic time for many women. My only trauma was the fear of what was happening to my body and feeling out of control.

When I was pregnant, I was happy enough, following the embryos development with my husband more out of scientific/biological wonder than what I could describe as a kind of mad maternal instinct I might expect ed to have had. The pregnancy was planned (I was kind of on the fence about it before but had a weird pang of broodiness and we conceived soon after). I’m very well supported in my relationship and have a loving relationship with my husband.

has anyone else felt like this in the past? How did you overcome it? Did you end up having kids happily? I feel scared to speak about it with friends or family, as I know they were very upset having miscarried themselves.

thanks for any your responses and please be kind ❤️ I’m sorry if my emotions have hurt anyone who may be suffering from the effects of miscarriage. Sending those of you lots of love.

You feel how you feel and that’s OK.
I have known people to feel relief too so don’t feel bad.

I don’t think you should beat yourself up about it, it’s okay to not be devastated by something someone else might be thrown by. I do think you should listen to how you’re feeling & consider therapy before deciding to try and conceive again - if you don’t want a baby then don’t have one, no one wins in that scenario!

Yanbu. Just because others would have been devastated, doesn’t mean you can’t be relieved. This is about you, nobody else.

Don’t forget you’ve just had a rollercoaster ride of hormones too, which will impact how you feel. Watch out for low feelings as hormones try to return to normal. They can hit you like a train x

It’s ok to feel how you feel, please don’t beat yourself up about it.

I can relate - I felt relief when I miscarried last year and I’m already happily a mum of one. Even though the pregnancy was planned, once I was pregnant, I felt growing unease about going again - DC was already 5 and I was worried about going “backwards” in time to the newborn phase and a large age gap Also wasn’t quite right timing-wise with work. I really suffer with a range of pregnancy ailments and I think a lot of the relief was due to feeling happy to be back to my normal self…..but, having said that, I’m now pregnant again and very happy about it! Maybe I just wasn’t quite ready mentally and the loss put things in perspective for me. Also in a better place work-wise having just secured my temporary promotion permanently, so it feels like it was more meant to be. Still struggling with pregnancy symptoms, so looking forward to the relief of the pregnancy being over, but hopefully with a more positive outcome this time.

I think you should just give yourself time to process how you feel - whatever that emotion is. Time is a great healer and you might find you feel differently in 3/6/9 months time.

Thank you - it sounds silly but I kind of didn’t think about that! Hopefully the feeling will subside. I’m actually quite happy otherwise though. Thanks for responding ❤️

Hi I’m so glad it’s worked out well for you in the end. Thanks for sharing your experience. All the best with the rest of this pregnancy!

I have had 3 miscarriages and also have had successful pregnancies and like you, I to felt nothing really when I miscarried. I miscarried at 10 weeks, 6 weeks and I forget how far along I was with the third. I thought of it as a natural process, that unfortunately for whatever reason, that particular pregnancy was not viable so my body did what it had to do. I have always felt a sense of shame for not feeling more distraught about them tbh and for simply getting on with my day to day life as they happened and no doubt if there were a different context behind them ie I had no successful pregnancies to counter the losses then maybe my feelings would be different. It's difficult to say.
I've always felt a bit odd about it all and have never needed any sympathy from people about it, indeed I rarely told anyone they had happened to me or even when they were happening.

It goes without saying it is not my intention to offend anyone who has suffered loss or losses. I do not judge anyone or how they choose to handle their losses and their feelings around them. It's such a personal, intimate thing to happen to a woman that each one is unique and individual to them. I guess I am trying to say that I understand OP what it is you are saying.

Thank you, I really appreciate you sharing that. The shame feeling is an interesting one, it’s feels almost blasphemous to say it out loud in my friendship group, but it’s really reassuring to hear you’ve experienced it also (the feelings that is, not the miscarriages!)

I was like that the first time I miscarried. New relationship and I was quite young. It was quite traumatic though as I was 13 weeks and had bleeding and other issues from 8 weeks so it was a relief. It was 4 years before we decided to try for a baby and we had a little boy. My next pregnancy also ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks. I wasn’t relieved because I wanted that baby but I wasn’t devastated and was just keen to get to a time we could try again.

I'll probably get slated for saying this. I have miscarried a couple of times so it's not from lack of experience. I will sound all wacko but maybe the "universe" was trying to protect you from the loss. The fact that you weren't all super excited and broody was your body (specifically hormone levels)telling you that this pregnancy isn't going to work out. Perhaps it is an innate sense you had. I would put money on you being over the moon if you were to get pregnant again. You are allowed to feel the feelings you feel OP. Be kind to yourself these next couple of months. 💐
Perhaps try and have an honest conversation with your husband about TTC and whether it is what you actually want especially at the moment. Just because we are women doesn't mean we have to be baby making machines. Having kids is a massive commitment. I love mine to death but there were dark days in the beginning and definitely times where I wish I could fuck off to a desert island for a week without anyone to answer to.
Take some time to reassess anyway. You know yourself better than anyone else does especially some random woman off the internet. ❤

Thanks this made me both giggle but also well up a bit inside. I sense you might be right about the hormones and the body “knowing” that it wasn’t right.

Thanks for all your advice everyone, it’s been so reassuring and lifted me to hear that others have felt this too, and in fact that it might change too!

Feelings just are what they are, there's no right or wrong way to feel about this. Please don't beat yourself up or feel bad about feeling relieved. I get it: my first pregnancy was planned but while I was pregnant I felt I had made a huge mistake and was terrified for the first couple of months. I was just coming round to feeling okay about it when I miscarried at 12 weeks, so it was equal parts relief, shock, and grief. Went on to have two lovely children a few years later.

I miscarried twice before carrying my healthy DS (now 3 yo) to term. I was devastated and traumatized myself, but I would never blame or resent you for feeling the way you do. You are perfectly entitled to your feelings, and they are just as "normal". Do not apologize for feeling the way you do. Take care of yourself, and please do talk about your experience with your friends and family - they might be more supportive and understanding than you think. I don't think you should be made to feel wrong or guilty for tour own, personal feelings and emotions following your miscarriage. I wish you all the best!

Yes, OP. I have miscarried in an unhappy marriage and felt great relief. I dread to think what my life would have been, if I had that child. It’s OK to feel what you feel and you don’t need to rationalise or justIfy it.

Totally understand. I was thrilled as it meant I wouldn't need to organise a termination, but I felt ashamed of being happy? I haven't told anyone except my partner.

This jumped out at me OP,
...than what I could describe as a kind of mad maternal instinct I might expect ed to have had I never had a huge maternal instinct with my pregnancies, I think that's common.

Feelings just are what they are, there's no right or wrong way to feel about this. YY missymousey

I miscarried shortly before conceiving my second child. I didn't feel sad, even though I was TTC - it hadn't felt right. It was a busy time, and I wasn't far along.

It's not really possible to say this openly because other people have had such devastating losses - so am glad I can say it here.

Yes I felt this way, I fell pregnant again very quickly after giving birth (believing naively that as I was breast feeding and my periods hadn’t returned that I couldn’t get pregnant) and I was absolutely not ready to have another one so close together. So like you when I started bleeding at 8 weeks, I really did feel a sense of relief that I felt awful about at the time. I was worried about the responses you would get with your post and I’m glad they have been supportive and I don’t post often but I just wanted to say I recognised the emotions you described and you are not alone.

After years of trying and six weeks of "fostering to adopt " I fell pregnant. I was already a mum in my head to this beautiful much long for child at three months old and I dis think how the he'll am I going to do this. I had no overriding biological hormonal connection. All I loved was the baby placed with me and not the one growing inside me, I only wanted one child. I miscarried at 6 weeks but man I was relieved.