To think that most polyamorous relationships are just one desperate person trying to keep a person who doesn’t love them?

[AdeptRobin]

“Ethical non-monogamy” sounds lovely until you realise one person is crying themselves to sleep every night.

Agree

Why are you so bitter that you have to slag off the way strangers conduct their life?

That could be said of any relationship, one person willing to put up with an array of shit in order to keep someone.

I'm not sure why so many on MN are so bothered about poly relationships atm, such a random thing to obsess over.

I’m not bitter, just sharing my perspective.

Everyone is different and not all circumstances are the same.

For example, who is the partner crying themselves to sleep when one has long term zero sex drive, and the other would love to have a physical sexual relationship?

Your perspective isn't necessarily shared by those who actually practice polyamorous relationships.

Honestly I find it hard to get my head around too, but I think it’s one of these things where you just have to accept that you might not understand it but for others it makes sense so leave it to them to live their lives how they please!

Are you crying yourself to sleep every night OP? If not then how do you know that at least one person in every polyamorous set up is doing this? How strange.

It's not for me, but I know a few people who are poly and it works well for them. Like anything, when it's conducted properly and with consent all around (ie. not just some bloke who wants to shag about while his wife/girlfriend is "welcome to" but never really can), or not couples who go "unicorn hunting" for bisexual women and then effectively use them, then it seems to work just fine.

Either way, it's absolutely no one else's business.

It’s really strange how you think it’s any of your business.

Doesn't sound very ethical to me.

If one person is crying themselves to sleep every night because their partner is shagging around, they're being cheated on.

Fair point - there are definitely situations where non-monogamy might work better for both people. I guess I was thinking more about cases where one person agrees to it reluctantly, rather than genuinely wanting it.

No, I’m not. It’s just an observation based on what I’ve seen and heard. Of course, not every situation is the same, but I think it happens more often than people like to admit.

Happens a lot when it’s one partner pushing to suddenly open the relationship often because they already found someone to cheat with but want permission basically. Often ends badly once the ambushed partner ends up being able to get more hooks up after giving up crying over the spilt milk and puts themselves out there. Then the original will suddenly want to shut it down again.

Genuine poly relationships probably work really well as they should all be starting with the open knowledge of wanting and being poly with the rules set in place.

YANBU to have your own opinion, YABU to suggest it like it's true of every poly relationship. I know a fair few poly people and nuch like the people I know in monogamous relationships, there are ones who are miserable and crying themselves to sleep and others who are very, very happy.

Weird that you think this is exclusive to poly couples. Lots of people do things in their relationship - have children, get married, move for the other partner's job, etc - that they find they're unhappy with and there are plenty of people for who that would be ideal and they'd love it.

Judging from what I see on Mumsnet, that applies to most people's monogamous relationships as well.

So you observing something a couple of times = most relationships being that way?

I was in a refuge and everyone I met there had been abused = all relationships are abusive 🤔

Why is it bothering you enough to share it, though? Unless you're in a polyamorous relationship, I can't see why it would be of interest.

I've no idea how polyamorous relationships work because I'm not in one and couldn't give a shit. I guess I'm just wondering why you do?

I think most polyamorous relationships are one man with 2 women playing the pick me dance

but if a traditional relationships is the one to aspire to then based on various threads on here about cheating and affairs etc, i think an poly may be the better one in the long run

Obviously, not every single relationship is like this but I think it’s a common enough pattern to be worth discussing. Just because something isn’t universal doesn’t mean it’s not widespread.

People discuss all sorts of things they’re not personally involved in. Just because something doesn’t affect me directly doesn’t mean I can’t have an opinion on it.

There are lots of people who prefer to have polyamorous relationships, and when everyone involved is actively choosing it, it can be satisfying, ethical and not cause weeping!

The problem tends to be when two people who are incompatible (one who is naturally monogamous and one who is naturally polyamorous for example) get together. It'd be easier for all concerned if they recognised this basic incompatibility, rather than tried to compromise to suit each other...

Surely the ethical thing to do is make clear your views on monogamy before getting involved.

That's probably true of some polyamorous relationships but not all. Either way, I don't think it's anyone else's business.