To think, actually, this was rape

[ElChapo]

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one.

So about 25 years ago I was seeing this guy for about 3 months. There was a party that we were going to with a group of his friends. He then got called away with work meaning he would miss this party but said I could still go and one of his good friends would take me. I went with said friend and after only a couple of hours felt really drunk and wanted to go. I was staying at boyfriend's house on my own.

The friend said he'd make sure I got home ok but as we left for some reason didn't think we needed to get a taxi and could walk it.

By this time I could barely stand up let alone walk but walk we did with me clinging on to him for support.

Next thing I know I come round in a ditch and he's having sex with me. I must've passed out and I clearly remember thinking what the hell's going on! How did this happen. I thought I must've encouraged it somehow but having blacked out couldn't remember if I did or not.

He then walked me back to where I was staying and nothing more was said. I just went to bed.

A couple of weeks after that I finished with the boyfriend. I think I felt guilty for allowing that to happen.

This, for some reason, has been playing on my mind every now and then for the last couple of years and have come to the realisation that he probably slipped something in my drink as there's no way I would've been so drunk after just a couple of hours, being unable to stand and blacking out.

I thought probably for 15-20 years that it was my fault. That I allowed this to happen.

AIBU to now think that it wasn't my fault at all and shouldn't be ashamed.

He raped you OP. There's no question about it. I'm so, so sorry.

He raped you and of course it wasn’t your fault.

Even if he hadn’t drugged you, someone so drunk they pass out can’t consent. It was rape.

He raped you, and I wouldn't be surprised if he spiked you as well.

Yes and you can still report him if you want to.

You were unable to give consent. First because you were too intoxicated and second because you were unconscious.

It doesn't matter if you were wandering around in your underwear, he had sex with you without your consent and therefore that's rape.

You can contact Rape Crisis to discuss or The Survivor's Trust, both have good helplines.

That was rape, and it was not your fault. I'm sorry you experienced that.

You can report it, but I'd also suggest counselling to help you come to terms with what happened to you.

Bloody hell, yes it was

The law now recognises that someone who's very drunk or drugged cannot consent to sex. 20 years ago, someone reporting your situation would probably have been consigned to 'no further action' at best, or victim-blamed. No man, however, would have thought you knowingly consented while drunk to sex in a ditch, 20 or 120 years ago. The guy's a bastard and a rapist.

I have some similar stories but it's clear in my mind that I was abused and carry no shame. I do hope posting here will provide the assurance you need - if it doesn't, you can call Rape Crisis or a SARC. They're used to talking through historic rape events with callers who're only now getting their heads around what really happened.

Sending an internet shoulder-squeeze.

Do you still know this guy?

So sorry for your experience OP.

It's absolutely rape.

It's not unusual for women to not realise for years. I've been there. We're socialised to blame ourselves.

Please, please find someone to talk to about this. It can be destabilising to come to a realisation such as this. Once you let go of blaming yourself - a good thing! - it leaves some uncomfortable truths about our society and the sheer prevalence of experiences like this.

Edit to add a good luck. MN can be a really supportive place if you need it. Especially Relationships and Feminism.

You were unable to consent because you were unconscious/semi-conscious. Yes, that's rape.

Yes that is rape. I think situations like this are/were quite commonplace. I remember a similar situation about 15-20 years ago and it still haunts me.
The guy who did it had form for targeting drunk girls. It was seen as a joke.

Thanks all.

It's only recently that I started to question it all. Previously I just thought I was stupid to let myself get into that situation but I suppose with an older head on my shoulders that I've realised that maybe it wasn't my fault.

In answer to a PP I don't still know the guy and only knew him by a nickname anyway.

It has also surprised me in recent years how common women/girls have a story about something happening to them. I think the majority of my female friends have had something awful happen to them by some creep

He most likely drugged you, and he then raped you.
You trusted in this young man as did your then boyfriend. To start to become conscious in a ditch like that is absolutely horrifying.
And the fact that you felt you had to stay silent.
It will resonate with so many posters, you have been very, very brave sharing your story.