Writing a strongly worded email- anonymously?

[igarciavy]

I don’t know how to write this email. I’m not a mum, but this is hopefully directed at mums, because I’m not sure who else to ask.

I live next to a boy’s senior school. I’m currently in year 12, but I’ve been here for the last five years. Often when I come home, by bus, there are boys in groups, bold enough to make small, snide, or slightly offensive comments, of varying natures. However, these are often covered by a faked cough, pretended as part of conversation, hidden in some way.

recently, that’s changed. I know this isn’t a change in the way I carry myself, dress, or look, because I haven’t. Now though, these comments aren’t even hidden in a half-bothered sense. They’re said outright, loudly, directly to me. And individually, no more hiding in the group. They’re growing harsher, in nature, in my opinion.

it is a VERY short walk from my bus stop to my house. Maps says three minutes, but it’s more like 2. This should not be possible.

these aren’t comments I’m personally offended by. That being said, it would be a lie to say I wasn’t worried about things escalating.

I really want to write an email to the school detailing how I don’t think this kind of behaviour is appropriate and I’d really like something to be done, but I also don’t want them to know it’s me (there aren’t really any other girls walking that direction) in case it worsens the situation. I don’t know what to suggest that won’t out me. I’d really, really appreciate some help working out what to write and what sort of tone to use? Thank you so much for reading.

Unfortunately the school may say that what goes on outside of school is out of their control, as happened to me. I hope you get this resolved.

So you are a 16/17 year old girl and there are boys (in uniform?) making comments? Yes I would absolutely email. Any school I've ever been involved with would clamp down hard on these comments being made while in uniform. It reflects appallingly on the school and they will want it to be cut out.

Is it a school bus or public bus?
Im guessing there must be codes of conduct?

Could you write it as if you were a casual observer - saying you witnessed boys from the school harassing a young school age girl? ChatGPT or copilot might help you to actually write it :)

The trouble with doing it anonymously is it makes it easier for people to dismiss what you're saying. You can be dismissed as someone playing a prank, someone with a grudge, even a parent of someone those boys have bullied. Feedback lands better if you can 'own' it. Is there anyone you could talk to who might be able to speak to the school on your behalf? Community police officer? A member of pastoral staff at your own school/college? One of your parents?

The alternative would be to email them and say you've seen these boys making these comments and it brings the school into disrepute and makes you question what they're teaching their students about courtesy, misogyny, safety and social responsibility, without identifying yourself as the target of the comments. Ask for assurance that the feedback has been received. Ask for a response detailing what they plan to do (with the understanding they can't discuss individuals by name) and a timeline so you know when to escalate the complaint if you don't see an improvement.

I know you might not want to share word for word, but can you give us an idea of the nature of the comments and why they're offensive? As in... are they misogynist/objectifying women, aggressive/violent/intimidating, sexually inappropriate, or childishly unkind in the sense of taking the piss out of hairstyle/ dress sense/ that kind of thing?

I'm asking because the nature of the comments might influence the advice.

Can you not talk to your parents about this? They could contact a member of the senior leadership team at the school. Are you worried about how they might react or is there a reason why you want to try to deal with it yourself?

You should not be dealing with this alone and being made to feel uncomfortable. It isn’t acceptable.
It is sad that you have been thinking about your appearance as you are in no way to blame for this.

Lots of schools will take behaviour like this seriously. Often it is classed as bringing the school into disrepute as they are identifiable from their uniforms.

If you want to email just say that you are bringing it to their attention. You could add that you doubt that the behaviour is in line with the school’s behaviour policy. Use actual examples of what is being said and how it makes you feel. I’m sure that you won’t be the only one that they are targeting.

You could always phone school and ask to speak to someone about behaviour and unwanted comments you have been subjected to.

My understanding is that while the boys are in school uniform, they are 'representing the school', so the school should take action.
If their behaviour toward OP is reported, they're going to know it's OP who reported it.

OP - Only way around it would be to make out you're another 'passenger' on the bus/getting off the bus, who has noticed the boys making these comments towards a lone female and you think they should be reprimanded. Might that work?

You do that OP. Good for you.
Entitled little assholes intimidating you need to know it's not ok.

Please do tell your parents.

If you don't feel able to involve your parents/carers, look on the school website to see if there's a way to report concerns. Whisper, SHARP and Smart are some of the platforms used by schools local to me but I expect most schools will have something. Search for welfare, wellbeing or safeguarding on the website if it's not obvious.

I feel for you. I would definitely email or even possibly ask to meet with the headteacher in person after school. I would also keep your phone on you and record or take photos if you can so the individuals can be identified. Doing nothing means nothing is done. I would also ask if someone from the school can be on duty in that area if it’s close to the school to dissuade the boys from being there in the first place (or at least move them along).

Check the schools website and see if there is an anti bullying or anti harassment policy and if there is an e mail address. Don't be afraid to report your experience, you can add your name. Another option is to report anonymously to the police.

Write down the experience as if you were giving a statement.

I descended the bus steps, there was a group of x number boys, ranging from age x to y. As I walked passed they (insert correct description).

This is daily/repeated behaviour.

The bus dash cam might have footage of them.

Don't be afraid to report it.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this from immature, pathetic little boys. Please don’t keep this to yourself and speak to your parents. They can then contact the boys’ school and ask them to intervene.

Whoever posted to say the school won’t be interested is completely wrong! The school does not want their students in uniform doing anything in the community that brings the school into disrepute.

Bypass the school and have a look on Facebook at the "[insert town name] mums" group and put an anonymous post in there "If you have teen boys that go to X school that walk home via X road, have a word with them! A group of 5/6 lads (about X age), wearing x, y,z were being really abusive to a girl, maybe 15 or 16, who was walking home on her own, saying X, Y and Z. If this is your son, please have a word about how to talk to women/girls and act like a human being instead of an Andrew Tate incel thug". You can also tag the school's Facebook page.

Like others have said I'd ask your parents for help as a first step

I think actually you can send this in your own name - it would have much more power coming from a school girl directly and would appall the head teacher. They would need to act even more than if it was a parent (who could be more lightly dismissed) because they would realise this could go badly badly wrong for them reputation wise if they don't address a minor's concerns. This would be my suggestion - send it to the head teacher.

Private & Confidential.

I wish to make a formal complaint about the intimidating, distressing and escalating behaviour of male pupils directly outside [ school name], whilst on and adjacent to the school premises. I am asking that you take immediate action to stop this behaviour which is unacceptable and frightening.

I am [insert your age - a 16 year old] girl and I live very close to the school. I travel home from school by bus and it is a very short walk from the bus stop to my home which takes me past the entrance to the school.

Groups of male pupils hang around the entrance. When I pass them on the way home, for some time I have been the victim of snide and offensive comments, of varying natures. There used to be a poor attempt to disguise these comments by covering them by a faked cough or pretended to be as part of conversation, hidden in some way.

Recently this has escalated and has moved into loud comments, clearly directed at me. The comments have become more and more offensive in nature. The behaviour is escalating seriously and without any check on it from anyone, I feel extremely vulnerable.

Apart from the effect on me personally, it is very likely other girls, probably even younger, are being subjected to similar behaviour. These pupils are directly outside the school and wearing the school uniform. They are acting as representatives of the behaviour that is acceptable to the school and tolerated by the school and are directly damaging the schools reputation.

I cannot emphasise enough how short this walk is - probably about 2 minutes - it really should not be the case that such short interaction gives rise to this behaviour.

I am sure you would agree that neither I nor any female should be expected to put up with this sort of verbal abuse or put in fear of escalation.

I did consider writing this to you anonymously because frankly I am frightened of further and more aggressive targetting if I am identified. However, I decided that it was more important that you realise that this is a complaint made by a real person who feels very vulnerable.

As I fear (reasonably in my view) further targetting if I am identified, I ask that you do not reveal my name to anyone else and I expressly do not consent to my identity being disclosed to the pupils concerned or parents. If you wish to circulate the contents of this email, please either cut and past the content without my name or ensure that my name and email address is removed or redacted.

I would be very grateful if you would address the matters I have set out here as a matter of urgency and let me know what steps you and the school have taken to deal with this unacceptable behaviour.

If it is helpful you could include some examples of the comments but depending on what they are it maybe better to leave them out - if it's obviously offensive language, then I'd include some, but if it's more the manner of delivery and threatening tone, then it will have more impact without including them - because you'll distract the reader into assessing the seriousness of what is said which really doesn't matter. What matters here is you are being targetted and feel intimidated.

Hope that's of some help.

While a school has limited responsibility for pupils outside of their charge it could possibly be looked upon that as these boys are making unwanted comments, and quite openly within reach of their school enough to make you concerned the school should act upon any concerns you have.

I'd definitely, be it myself or a parent make it known to the head of the school what they have been saying and making it known that you should be able to walk home without being subjected to the unwanted attention/comments.coming from the schools pupils.

Just to say I think @ChaffinchsBreakfast advice and sample email is spot on.

ChatGPT is your friend here.