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Original poster

To have refused him contact

15 replies

Itsnotallroses · 12/03/2025 21:00

Nc just incase it's outing and I apologise in advance for the long post

To start off, I've always had a rocky relationship with my dad, he left when I was 8 and it's been an extremely rocky road since then but there's too much to explain. I spent my teenage years trying to have a relationship with him, phoning him regularly but he would always cut the conversation short, he dipped in and out for a few years as he lived the other side of the country.

I let him know when I got pregnant with my oldest dd, kept him updated and told him once she was born, I invited him to her christening, with 2 months notice but he was too busy with work to come. I kept trying to keep our relationship going, ringing him and inviting him to meet his granddaughter but it never happened. I got pregnant with dd2 2 years later and he acted the same, it was at this point I decided to no contact then, that was 14 years ago.
I've kept in contact with his side of the family and have a great relationship with them as do my 3 dd's, unfortunately my papa died last month and me and dh decided to travel up for his funeral, which meant I would see him and my step mother again. It was extremely awkward and uncomfortable but I kept it polite. My dad literally said 2 words to me the whole time and didn't even speak to my dh, this being the 1st time the had meet (we have been together 18 years, married 10), My stepmum asked for my number, I felt kinda ambushed as it was in front of several family members, and tbh I felt maybe it could be a good time to reconnect so I gave it to her.
At the end, when we were leaving stepmum ask if it would be OK to get in touch, it was at this point I said yes but they weren't going to meet my dd's, there's not a chance in hell I was ever going to put them into the position where he would walk away and hurt them, like he hurt me. My stepmum then started to argue with me that it wasn't fair, that I didn't know half the story of what went down, but I do as I lived it. I looked at my dad and he just looked away and didn't say anything. I then told her she's welcome to him and that this was his last chance and I'm finally done.

Since then everyone has agreed with what I've said and my dh has kept telling me I didn't do anything wrong and he is extremely proud of me and how I handled everything. My aunt has been ringing me to make sure I'm OK, she and the rest of the family have now gone no contact with them to as they are angry at how he's treated me. But stepmum has messaged me to say that I was out of order in not giving them another chance and that my dad loves me, he just struggles with showing emotions.

Was I out of order to deny them access to my dd's, I'm really starting to doubt myself

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 12/03/2025 21:14

So your father still hasn’t made any attempts to have a relationship with you and your family, it was his wife doing all the talking for him. I think you were more polite to them than I would have been in your shoes. A father who has had nothing to do with his daughter or grandchildren…shame on him!

Original poster
Itsnotallroses · 12/03/2025 21:27

He's not made a single attempt to get in touch, even before I went nc 14 years ago, I made all the effort. Oldest dd is nearly 17 and has never meet or spoke to him and has no interest in doing so, I haven't spoken to dd2+3 about it as I don't feel they are old enough to make the decision.
I definitely held back as I didn't want to cause a scene at the wake.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 12/03/2025 22:29

Block the stepmother and don't give them another thought. He doesn't deserve you.

SoSoLong · 12/03/2025 22:36

He's a waste of space, but I'd cut his wife some slack, at least she tried talking to you. Not her fault he's useless as a father and a grandfather.

LoveWine123 · 12/03/2025 22:40

SoSoLong · 12/03/2025 22:36

He's a waste of space, but I'd cut his wife some slack, at least she tried talking to you. Not her fault he's useless as a father and a grandfather.

It’s very likely that the step mother was also misled by your father about what went on. She sounds upset, but she has probably not been given the full picture. All of this is on your asshole father.

SinnerBoy · 12/03/2025 22:44

He's not your dad, he's a sperms donor. Fuck him off and forget him the best you can g8

nutbrownhare15 · 12/03/2025 22:55

I would ask her if struggling to show emotions means never ever once making the effort to contact you in however many years it is. Not even at the funeral. And that that is not struggling to show emotions it's complete neglect and disinterest.

Original poster
Itsnotallroses · 13/03/2025 08:29

I'm 99% sure stepmum knows everything that went on, she was the other woman and he left my dm for her. I've never really liked her and it wasn't because of the affair as dm kept that from us till we were a lot older. They never told me that they got married and we weren't invited to the wedding (we were still in contact at that point). They wormed their way out of paying child support by putting their business in her name. So in my opinion she's just as bad as him.
She also lied to face at the wake, oldest dd had cancer 4 years ago and even tho I didn't want him told, other family members told him as they thought it was a chance for him to step up but of course he never did. I was shown the texts that were sent between them and I know for a fact that he was told right at the start, I brought this up as one of the reasons on why he wouldn't see dd's and she denied that he was told till dd was in remission, that's when I looked at him and was finally done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotallroses · 13/03/2025 08:32

SinnerBoy · 12/03/2025 22:44

He's not your dad, he's a sperms donor. Fuck him off and forget him the best you can g8

We call him the sperm donor 😂😂. I have an incredible stepdad who is amazing and my dd's love to bits, he's always been their grandad so they don't need another

OP posts:
SinnerBoy · 13/03/2025 08:35

g8 = do.

Dunno how I managed that one!

TheSandgroper · 13/03/2025 08:42

Yeah, you’re all good.

Freshflower · 13/03/2025 10:13

No , you were not out of order. Your step mother was out of order. How dare she minimise what you have gone through and turn it round on you for not giving them a second chance. Well done for standing your ground and sticking up for yourself and your children .
Your father has had your whole life time of opportunities to put things right with you , you have reached out to him with loving arms and he's shut it down time and time again. Your step mother has no right meddling in the middle like that and say you should give them a second chance. No way!!

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/03/2025 10:16

You did good 💪🏼 Well done. Don’t give this inadequate a moment more of your emotional energy.

MiserableMrsMopp · 13/03/2025 10:24

@Itsnotallroses I have a very similar experience to yours. Didn't see my dad for 10 years as a child after parents divorce but I tried to re-establish contact when I had a baby. Was in contact for a while (led by me) but no effort made by him.

Eventually, I decided to stop making an effort. At which point I literally never heard from him again. He died last week. I felt a little odd. But overall, no emotions at all about it. It was the right decision to stop making contact.

Being biologically part of someone's DNA isn't the same as being a parent. My dad wasn't my parent and neither is yours.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/03/2025 10:36

Itsnotallroses · 13/03/2025 08:29

I'm 99% sure stepmum knows everything that went on, she was the other woman and he left my dm for her. I've never really liked her and it wasn't because of the affair as dm kept that from us till we were a lot older. They never told me that they got married and we weren't invited to the wedding (we were still in contact at that point). They wormed their way out of paying child support by putting their business in her name. So in my opinion she's just as bad as him.
She also lied to face at the wake, oldest dd had cancer 4 years ago and even tho I didn't want him told, other family members told him as they thought it was a chance for him to step up but of course he never did. I was shown the texts that were sent between them and I know for a fact that he was told right at the start, I brought this up as one of the reasons on why he wouldn't see dd's and she denied that he was told till dd was in remission, that's when I looked at him and was finally done.

OMG OP, what awful people they both are. You have been remarkably restrained under the circumstances. Just block her number and never respond to her again.

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