Parent declining extra care hours

[culturevulture1984]

Sibling and I live several hours away and share care well. We both have work and family commitments.Parent has terminal illness.

Sibling messaging recently about concern for their welfare and need for more care from both of us.

We spoke and I suggested contacting services.

I contacted services who are open to an extra hour a day, currently only once weekly care visits.

I thought together we could persuade
parent to accept the care on offer to reduce pressure. Not so. Sibling very concerned yet unwilling to push the issue.

I find it so hard to understand. Why should we come under increased pressure while help available?

We have worked well so far, I want to avoid conflict.

I will do what I can. Very dissappointing sibling is putting pressure on yet unwilling to present a united front with me.

Strssed and worried. AIBU?

I’m sorry, this is a horrible situation to be in for all of you. I think you’re just going to have to gently reiterate that you cannot do any more, and that you recommend the additional carers.

Thank you for kind and sensible advice.

It's a very sensitive issue and understandable that she/he doesn't want to upset your parent. You are also reasonable to say you can't do any more. All you can do is stick to your guns - the care is available so you need feel no guilt.

But try not to judge your parent for refusing or your brother/sister for not insisting. You all need to be kind to each other.

My parent currently has free care (provided by a charity) after a long hospital stay. As soon as the free period expires I know care will end as parent (wealthy) is tight and will refuse to pay for assistance even though it's needed. I live several hours away and my very low contact sibling lives closer so parent has nobody on hand to assist (rejected moving closer, or sheltered accommodation, adamant they can manage in their large unsuitable house.) Frustrating but nothing I can do until parent either falls or has another bout of infection and ends up back in hospital who have said they will refuse to discharge again without proper funded care....... I feel your pain and hope you are able to sort it out - you need to look after you if you are to look after your parent successfully.

Yes, you're right, AIBU probably not the most suitable forum.We're both doing our best.

I'm disappointed but I know I need to move on and get over it.

My parent refusing I think because of embarassment about living conditions with some hoarding and also lifestyle, getting up late 3pm and staying up late.

Thank you for your helpful input.

It's difficult and very sensitive.

The care hours are free, no cost involved.

You can only decide what you can do and stick to it, yes it’s awful and you feel bad but you have to make your boundaries.

it took two hospital stays for my parents to understand that there is only so much that we can offer in terms of practical support, they now have daily carers

As mentioned above, you can only do what you can do. That's it, simple, in short, you can't provide the level of care that is needed, so the only choice is
1 no care
2 carers

The choice is theirs and theirs to make.

There isnt a 3rd choice.

In this situation, you also have to start to grasp the "let them" theory, you cannot control how they act, you can only choose your response to their actions. They may not act or choose how you would, or how you think they should - let them.

They may come round after realising there isnt a choice 3, that the "manipulation " isnt working (you'd do it if you loved me, I can't manage, you have to help me, you owe me this, after all I've done... that type stuff).

Or they may not. Their choice. Let them.