Depression - not telling anyone?

[evenbaddiesgetsaddies]

Long story of crap mental health; normally swings between horrendous anxiety and dissociation. Family are aware mainly as I’ve had a few hospital stays, and been heavily medicated before. My mum had severe and enduring mental health issues as does my sibling to an extent - it runs in the family.

Last few weeks I’ve been struggling to motivate myself. I can get to work, but I’m crying on the commute. When I get home I’m straight to bed, going over and over work to the point I can’t settle. I live alone, so no one to sound off to - just me. I’m working myself into a frenzy at night over the next day - crippling self doubt and panic and worrying about what the next day will bring. When I’m at work I’m probably not myself but I don’t know. Colleagues have been kinder than usual.

I can’t do household stuff, I’ve got a stack of dishes piling up but I can’t do them. I’ve got laundry everywhere that I can’t face. I don’t make my bed.

Saw the GP yesterday who said I’ve gone into depression and wants me to be referred back to the mental health team for some support. I don’t want to go off sick simply because we only get SSP for a very short period of time - and SSP won’t pay the bills - if I don’t work I don’t have money. plus I think if I didn’t go in, I’d spend the entire week in bed spiralling about the fact that I’m not there. I’m avoiding challenging situations at work and startling easy/feeling much more intimated than normal (I work in a job dealing with a lot of violence and aggression).

I have a weekly meeting with my manager tomorrow - do I tell her or just keep it quiet? I don’t know if they’d use it as a reason to try to get rid. My GP was wanting me to tell work and tell family - family will panic that I’m going back the same way as before and won’t understand, in their eyes I think they think I should be happy because I have a decent job, house, friends. But it’s like I’m a bit permanently on sad and exhausted mode right now.

I almost feel like a failure/ashamed for being unwell again, which I know I shouldn’t but it’s hard not to.

This depends a bit on how supportive your manager is but my advice would be tell her what's happening. Be factual as you have in your post and emphasise that you want to keep working as it actually helps rather than being at home spirally.

Do tell manager what (temporary) adjustments at work you need to help get you through this period. She can't just guess, you need to suggest things that will help. Your job sounds like it can get scary or stressful at times so are there things your manager can do to support you and not feel so intimidated when these situations come up.? Even a code word you can use to let her know you need help. Maybe some changes to hours of work if you are feeling exhausted. Maybe even a short period of part time hours (the rest could be SSP) or adjusted start and finish times. I struggle with mornings, some people prefer to leave work early and get to bed earlier. Whatever works for you.

For colleagues, maybe just say you are 'going through a bad patch' rather than tell them in detail. At least you've acknowledged it and it's not them wondering what's going on. Thank them if someone is kind or helpful. One day you will be in a position to return the favour.

Try not to feel ashamed, focus on getting better and remember it's very common and at least 1 in 4 people will have some sort of serious mental health issue in their lifetime. Get the help you need and you will get through it, this is just a short phase in a long life.

Sending a hug. Can totally relate to what yu have said, in a very eloquent way. Sound advice from the first reply. Hope you can relay this to your manner and come out with a plan of action. You're not alone. Best wishes. X

If you worked for me, i would absolutely want you to talk to me about this so that we could make a plan together as to how to support you, keep you moving forward and ensure you are being kind to yourself.