Is it worth pushing back? (Coparenting)

[Slothsarecool]

I’ll try to keep this short: I have a very useless ex who sees his kids EOW and some of the holidays. He treats parenting like it’s a job (on- and off shift) and gives minimal thought to the kids when he’s not ‘on shift’.

We’re organising how to split to the next half term and he’s specifically not asked to have to kids on ‘his birthday weekend’ which is when he would usually have them and also aligns with how we usually schedule holidays (usual weekends plus tag on a couple of days to him).

Aibu to push back on this as:

1. it messes up my other plans with the kids (which I put in place to follow the usual schedule)
2. I was hoping to go away the time he would usually have the kids
3. birthdays are not a valid reason not to have to have the kids in my eyes! (Surely you’d want to be with your kids??? Obvs I can’t expect him to think the way I do though)

Also worth adding, we’ve got on badly for years but things seem a little calmer at the moment, and the only flexibility we generally have with dates is me asking to have the kids more (due to me doing nice stuff with them), or him asking for them less (to do stuff with him mates).

is it worth the battle Or should I agree for the sake of keeping the peace?

Is he asking for a replacement weekend or just to skip that weekend? Maybe the pushback could be you saying right so you have those two weekends in a row and then we are back to normal?

He’s offered to have them the weekend before or more in the week. It’s not ideal but is workable. Hence my question of whether I’m being a dick if I push back?

When you say it messes up your plans with the kids, what do you mean by that? You’ve planned to do something with them earlier in the week that cannot be done that weekend?

You say you were “hoping” to go away, does that mean you’ve not actually booked anything? Could you go a different weekend instead?

He sounds like an arsehole so I don’t blame you for being annoyed, but I would try to maintain the peace by showing flexibility if possible - though I would only agree to swap a weekend rather than giving him a ‘freebie’!

its tricky. Everything can be altered as nothing booked etc. but it means that from my side we won’t have all the kids together on half term (blended family who like to do stuff together) and then was planning a few days with with hubby while he was en route to a work trip.

bear in mind, I’ve planned for what every usual half term is set up by.

reading back, maybe I should play ball as it’s not worth starting a fight…

He can have them after then you can still have half term?

If you are in the process of both "organising how to split half term", then this is exactly the time to raise what he would like, and for you to raise what you would like and go from there.

It actually sounds as though you'd already made arrangements (albeit loose ones) before having the discussion - which isn't really the point. There's no point of having a discussion if you're only prepared to do what you've already decided to do without consultation.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to effectively have childcare on his birthday so he can go out - in the same way as you might well want childcare to go out on your birthday or to do something else you want to do without children (like a few days away with your DH).

Whether you "push back" or not is up to you. Generally, I think that flexibility makes better co-parenting relationships. I think both you and he have good reasons for wanting one particular weekend free - him so he could celebrate his birthday - you so you can have a childfree weekend with your DH. Is there a compromise position at all? For e.g. you get the weekday days that you want over the holidays so you can do the blended family activities, but he has his birthday weekend free?

I think I have to show flexibility. I think I will respond saying I would rather stick to the usual schedule as I too have things I would like to do (with and without children) and take it from there. If he digs his heels in I will back down. Thanks all, that was super helpful.

I wouldn’t want my child to go to someone who doesn’t want them. It’s not ok he doesn’t want them then but it’s likely because he’s going to be drinking etc - don’t push for your children to go there when they’re not going to be looked after properly.

my sons dad is similar, I keep his birthday open for contact if he asks yet he often never wants it as he likely is partying drinking (doing worse) and doesn’t want the responsibility of being a dad on his birthday.

in my opinion I would tell him to have concrete plans made at least one month in advance- if it’s not made before then, then contact isn’t to take place. It means for your peace of mind that you don’t have to agree to it and you don’t have to worry about working around it. But unfortunately you can’t force someone to be a parent and force them to have contact when they don’t want to. You can put boundaries where when they do want contact on their terms, you can say no.