DH alcohol consumption

[tabbiscuits]

Genuinely wanting to know if I’m being unreasonable or not, and completely open to being told I am..

DH and I cut down on drinking and quit smoking (nicotine) just over a year ago. We wanted to be healthier. We had a few holidays last year and DH had a bottle of wine or two every night on both. It’s a holiday, I didn’t drink, but thought nothing of him indulging.

Back home he was rarely drinking as we were still on a health kick.

Over the festive period he started drinking more and more, he was super quick to say ‘It’s Christmas’ and so on. I didn’t really comment at all but it felt like he was justifying constantly. Again I wasn’t drinking but I thought yeah he’s right it’s December, sure, indulge. In terms of volume… he rinsed 12 bottles of red in 2 weeks then January started.

Since the start of January he’s started drinking every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Usually a bottle of red and 3 bottles of beer on Thursday and Friday and then a bottle of red on Saturday.

It’s such a drastic jump from barely drinking at all anymore, to suddenly since he started ‘indulging’ at Christmas… this being so frequent/in these volumes.

He’s not aggressive or argumentative when drunk at home, doesn’t seem ‘drunk’… just falls asleep and I don’t get much chat from him. Not great but I’m thinking like.. if I’m not drinking it’s probably why I feel ‘off’ about nights when he’s sat sloshed and I’m sat getting nothing out of him conversationally. Like am I just being a d1ck?

Anyway, we got 12 bottles of red delivered 4 weeks ago.. and they’re all gone. In terms of units I know that’s too much (he’s drinking 6 beers on average a week on top of the wine)

I told him I think he’s drinking too much and after a few days of being evasive and saying I was being silly he said ‘yeah maybe I am’. This was last week.

Since then, rather than waiting until Thursday-Saturday, he’s started saying ‘I’m having a glass with my dinner’… at first I thought okay that’s fine have a glass with dinner
but I’ve noticed it’s like 2/3 glasses every night.. whereas he wasn’t doing this before I’d said anything. I feel like he’s done that to normalise it? He still had beers/full bottles of wine Friday Saturday too..

He’s had issues controlling how much he drinks on nights out before and gotten into some states. Hasn’t happened in about a year. We’ve spoken about that before and he’s said he finds it hard to stop once he’s started/gets carried away in social settings. Knows it’s wrong\knows it’s been unhealthy in the past.

Basically, after rambling, am I being a weirdo just monitoring this .. or is this clearly the start of something messy? I was raised by an alcoholic so maybe it’s just triggering me and I’m making a whole thing out of nothing?

Do I just keep an eye or do I say something again?

Help me rationalise this please !

Can't rationalise it, I'm afraid, but it is a sudden escalation. It really sounds like he "needs" the drinks. That is a massive danger sign. It also suggests there's something he isn't coping with at the moment. Is anything big happening in your lives, or in his? Is he insecure at work, are you having troubles at home, any health worries?

There's no point proselytising about better ways to deal with stress but it will help you both, I think, to spend some time exploring what's bothering him. As a matter of fact, heavy drinking during a short-term crisis isn't unusual and rarely leads to addiction if you understand that you're abusing a substance for a fixed period. I mean, it's still better to get some pills from the doctor or take up tai-chi, but booze can be a handy prop.

Have some talks - not about his drinking per se, but about the stresses he's under and how he's dealing with it all. Then have another think about whether he's on a very fast track to alcoholism or just needs more support of some kind.

Thanks @GarlicStyle
We’re very open usually which is why this stands out even more because I can’t get any serious discussion about of him RE: alcohol.

No ongoing concerns for either of us with health, work is good, we’re comfortable and we get on great. He has meds for anxiety and I make sure we discuss how he’s feeling every week even just casually.

Your advice is really appreciated. I’ll take it on board and try talking about what might be going for him rather than the drinking specifically.

He seems to have a huge capacity for alcohol given he'd abstained for a while. Two bottles of wine a night after not drinking is good going.

He obviously has a drink problem and it must be really boring for you night after night with some pissed bloke snoring on the sofa.

You need to have a conversation about his drinking and ask him to do something about it because it's out of hand.

I wish I could say you're worried about nothing @tabbiscuits, but I don't think you are.

Are you sure you see all his drinking? I would be tempted to check his car and bags etc to see if he is hiding alcohol. It's better to know exactly what you're dealing with.

An alcoholic is the only person who can decide for themselves to address their addiction. As you know from experience, even having children is not enough motivation for some, so trying to police him may not solve the issue. Try to be supportive and nonjudgmental.

I'm very sorry you are having these concerns - it's really not fair. You might find AlAnon helpful in coming months, or even ACA (adult children of alcoholics).

There's no judgement from me as I have personal experience myself. I wish you well, and I hope this turns out to be a temporary situation.

Sounds to me like the start begun ages ago and it’s well underway. He obviously has a problem with alcohol, Ultimately it’s his choice whether he wants to be free of it and there’s not much you can do. I’d have a serious talk with him about your concerns, go sober yourself so no need to buy and alcohol or have it in the house; join Alcoholics Anonymous and see if you can help support him by eg signing him up too, seeing the GP etc.

There is a very good short book about alcoholism called Alcohol Explained by William Porter - definitely listen to or read this.

lots of luck to you x

He’s a piss-head, which is stupid, boring, expensive, and life-shortening.

Tell his some random bloke on the internet told him to wake up and not be such a dick.

I have reached the end of my sympathetic analysis.

OP is not an alcoholic, so wouldn't "sign up" to AA.

She's better signposted to AlAnon which is specifically for the family and friends of alcoholics.

There's no "signing up" required in these organisations. You simply turn up, sit down and listen. Anyone who does so will be welcomed by the group as they know exactly what you are going through. Support like that is invaluable.