Child’s characteristics? Is this something or aibu?

[Strawberries86]

Very happy to be told iabu. But open to the wisdom of MN and whether there is something I need to seek advice on re daughter.

Eldest daughter is 8, very loud, struggles to focus but not to the extent she’s hit schools radar but I notice it. Clumsy and often hurts people accidentally, bumps into them, steps on their foot type of thing - not aggressive or violent to be clear. Always sorry and gets upset at herself.

Fidgets awake and in her sleep. Sleeping with her is like sleeping next to a drunk octopus.

Very picky eater due to textures and smells, genuinely afraid of tasting something she doesn’t like. Cannot bear some clothes such as jeans, anything fitted is a no.

Just quirky or something more? Thanks in advance, I don’t want to label her unnecessarily but recently been worried I’m letting her down by not investigating if that makes sense.

From your description, it's possible that your DD has some characteristics associated with ADHD or dyspraxia - I'd be surprised that school have not picked up on anything by the age of 8 though. I would speak to your GP if you're concerned.

My daughter ris v similar we've self referred for an NHS neurodevelopmental assessment.
The wait is approx 2 years .
Like you I do not know
School do not see any issues

well she has neurodivergent traits. Is it enough to be diagnosed? You'll only find that out by starting the process. Don't rely on teachers to pick up on it...they may not have any training regarding SEN/ND pupils. Neither might have the SEN lead!!!

Thank you for your replies. I think it’s masked at school by the fact she’s so outgoing. They don’t see the clothes dilemmas, the food battles or sleep fidgets so they are missing some of the picture maybe.

The reason I was triggered to ask was she fell out the car, broke her car seat (not injured) and I was impatient. She apologised and said she wishes she was normal and didn’t do this stuff. It made me sad for her and she’s clearly noticing she has some differences.

I obviously apologised and told her I love her.

Hi OP.

I've got three autistic children and
it sounds like your daughter might well have some autism/ADHD traits.

It would be a good idea to ask your doctor to refer her for assessment.

(Whatever happens, please remember that a diagnosis of autism isn't a label)

While these things can be common with ASD, they are not exclusive to it. There are certainly some sensory processing issues going on but it doesn't in itself signal autism. Could be garden variety SPD, DCD... Or just sensory preferences that don't fall into "disorder" categories and are part of her unique sensory profile.

Parts of what you have written are like my DD, though perhaps my DD has slightly fewer quirks.

My DD struggles with focus. This was on her class teachers' radar, but not enough for the SENDCO to be involved until I asked. That's because she was achieving at expected levels at school and they were happy with that.

My DD has food issues, particularly around textures.

She won't wear various types of clothes. Definitely not jeans. Doesn't like sleeves over sleeves. Has to have the labels cut out of her clothes. Won't wear socks with seams.

She struggles to get to sleep - her mind buzzes and distracts her.

She struggles with handwriting. I think that's partly because handwriting actually involves a level of multitasking - getting letter shapes, spelling, punctuation etc all at the same time. But her written work comes out OK if she types.

My DD has diagnoses of ADHD and dysgraphia. I've wondered a bit about dyspraxia as she's not great with catching a ball, but she's not particularly clumsy. My DD doesn't seem to have autistic traits, though I've had a lovely argument with someone on MN about whether she could possibly have sensory issues and not be autistic.

Getting diagnosed has been really helpful to my DD and the adults around her. Some of the ADHD traits can be quite irritating, but a bit of understanding, that she isn't doing it on purpose, really helps. She also understands herself better. She's pretty open about her ADHD and other ND children seem to be the same, it's not treated as a negative, but just one of the many things that make up their individual differences. We have a few books about neurodiversity which have helped her.

The other thing that has helped is realising that DH shares most of the traits with her. We didn't realise until she was diagnosed, but it's pretty clear how similar they are. He is a fussy eater, wouldn't wear jeans until he was 14, has illegible handwriting, struggles with attention. So she can see someone like her as a capable adult.

There is a significant overlap between dcd and ADHD. Sme paediatricians are reluctant to go with dual diagnosis because poor motor function - especially trips and bumping into things is often a result of inattention.

Her proprioception sounds poor. How much sport and physical exercise does she do? Activities like climbing are brilliant for proprioceptive input and motor planning. (There are an awful lot of quirky/Nd climbers.)
Swimming is also good. Cycling can be great for autistic kids, but can be tricky if you have no impulse control.

It sounds like you're managing her sensory preferences well. Everyone has preferences. The book, the out of sync child is quite good on this, if a little dated now.
I'd avoid using the term sensory processing disorder, it's used, but it's not listed as a stand alone condition in the DSM-5.

Have a look at dyspraxia - your DD sounds like she has dyspraxic traits.

I'm dyspraxic (diagnosed at 21, in 2010). I was definitely aware I was unusually accident prone as a child and believed the adults who told me I was lazy and careless and that's why I kept having accidents. I wish I'd had my diagnosis as a child so I would understand I wasn't lazy.

We have DS with similar issues. I believe he's dyspraxic which sometimes goes along with other issues . (It's not always just about being clumsy, it can also be struggling to processing things). He was seen by an an Occupational therapist who picked up on way more and gave us a plan and also ways in which school could help, they didn't have any real worries.
Clothing was an issue although that has improved and food textures and beige , always the same, foods, is also starting to improve
As he's gone through secondary school we have seen other traits from asd/adhd. He was seen by Ed support and we were basically told 3 to 4 yr waiting list and he has develop so many skills to help him get through that he wouldn't be seen as having a great need.
I wish we'd pushed when he was younger .

Lots of dance, both in lessons and at home. Her dance show was fine, no accidents but it was a years worth of practice. When she dances at home, 100% someone is getting kicked, fallen on etc.

I get a lot of pushback for not “making her” try different foods. There is constant gentle encouragement and offerings but I stop there. I hate jeans and I can’t have an anything sitting on my waist, I live in leggings so I get how she feels.

I suppose because she generally manages well, I wonder is any sort of pathway to diagnosis worth it? What support would she actually get or would her knowing be enough. But then I can help her understand her brain works differently without a diagnosis.

Totally agree.

Diagnosis may help her understand why she finds things more difficult than her peers.

Some organisations require a diagnosis to put support in,but it really should be need,not diagnosis based.

My DS has a lot of ADHD traits. In y1 he asked why his brain was different from every one else's. By y3 he wanted medicine to make his brain work like everyone else's...
School (primary and secondary) have assumed he has ADHD and put all the support in based in this assumption.
He is happy with his quirky brain. He knows he's bright, he can out think most adults at a strategic level (eg playing board games), he is popular with adults and his peers are finally beginning to get him too.

He found the Dorling Kindersly book Wonderfully Wired Brains quite helpful in KS2. (An ed psych shared it with me. There were a couple of things that made me raise an eyebrow because they're misleading but mostly it's good and accessible.

For parents of sensory kids who are going through challenging times I recommend Learning the Language of Autism through the Senses by Belle Berroyer which is a parent's story of her son. It's very authentic but she's reached a good place - which can feel impossible especially with small sensory people where their needs are all consuming.

There's quite a lot of kids fiction written with ND protagonists too
https://www.booktrust.org.uk/booklists/n/books-with-neurodivergent-characters/
Which can help children feel less isolated and different.

In terms of feeding, it can take 20 or so times for a NT child to accept a food, and many many more for a quirky one.

The SOS approach to feeding is quite well regarded and may have some things to try if this is something you want to work on. If it's not a priority for you and your child is eating adequately, then good enough is good enough!

She may also like proprioceptive activities which provide resistance and held her figure out where her body parts are in relation to each other. Dance will help, but I'd you have a poor body map, I imagine it would be quite easy to 'lose' your extremities if you're moving fast. That's why swimming and climbing, or playing in a lycra body sock or being wrapped tightly in a blanket can be helpful.