To think I’m being pushed out of this job by him? Or AIBU?

[T1006]

Maybe I’m reading into things. I’ve been in a professional role at this company for almost five years. Around two years ago we had a new manager. He had a very different way of managing the team and was giving me work that I hadn’t done before but I was open to doing this to widen my skillet. In October I had news that I needed surgery in December. Up to that point this manager had often made small comments about my work here and there but said I was progressing well and 2025 would see me looking at promotion. I had the surgery and had a month off work. When I came back in the new year his entire tone had changed and I experienced a horrible mental health episode linked to this and required some adjustments to be made at work (mainly working remotely due to the issues around travel that are supported entirely by my doctor). Working remotely is common practice anyway. Prior to the surgery I had had one sick day in my entire employment.

I am now experiencing being given less work from this man and having comments picked at about the need for me to talk to my child’s father about helping out more domestically. I have no idea where this comment came from and I asked directly about this and he backtracked and said he was just trying to support me. I feel he is building up a case to say I am not focused on my work and that now I am remote working he can’t give me work (which absolutely isn’t the case) like he could if I was in the office. The entire team works from home four days a week so this isn’t true at all. I can’t understand any of this treatment towards me and don’t know if my mental health is in such a bad way that I’m reading into things? I know I haven’t been there a massively long time but I have always been a good employee and this episode of sickness isn’t a common occurrence for me at all.

Are you in a union?

I'd ask him directly. Are you trying to push me out, mate? As you ought to know that I like this job, or I used to at any rate, and I'm not going. If you have genuine concerns, let me know what they are clearly and I will address them.

Start building your own paper trail. Put yourself forward for work in writing as much as possible and leave the ball in his court to reject you. If/when he does, ask, "are you sure? I'm on top of my diary at the moment so can definitely fit this in" or whatever, just breezy but make it abundantly clear that you have capacity for the work and it's him refusing. Keep screenshots of everything.

Keep quiet about home life/your recovery. You may need to have a short period of going over and above (all supported by email comms) to really lay the groundwork that he's blocking your progress, but don't over extend yourself to the point you take on too much and perform poorly. Play him at his own game.

He's probably annoyed about the WFH thing. Since COVID, people seem to think that WFH is a right. If you need to be in the office one day a week that's pretty fair and you should try and do it to be part of a team.

Start keeping a record of absolutely everything he says to you but also try and get as much of it in writing as possible (email). In your emails to him, you can also refer to things he has said, ie "when we spoke on Wednesday of last week and you referenced feeling that my work output when WFH had decreased, I'd be grateful if you could let me have specifics as I've reviewed it myself and can't see any decrease. If anything, there is in fact more output as I'm trying to catch up on my 6 weeks out for post surgery recovery. However I would like to see it from your angle so detailing instances as to where I'm perceived to be falling short would help." Stuff like that. I would also secretly record conversations if he has a habit of denying, minimising or twisting what he's said.

I'd also take legal advice so you understand how to manage this situation so that you don't inadvertently compromise yourself, and what counts as constructive vs unfair dismissal.

He needs to be careful of constructive dismissal. You need to ensure there's a paper trail as PP has said and be proactive in your communication.

I am now experiencing being given less work from this man and having comments picked at about the need for me to talk to my child’s father about helping out more domestically. I have no idea where this comment came from and I asked directly about this and he backtracked and said he was just trying to support me.

let's be clear, this manager is utterly incompetent and living in the 1950s. He is in breach of the Equality Act, and his discriminatory mask has well and truly slipped. He has no right to quiz you about childcare arrangements and should focus on supporting you in your role, ensuring you have what you need to deliver to your objectives.

I feel he is building up a case to say I am not focused on my work and that now I am remote working he can’t give me work (which absolutely isn’t the case) like he could if I was in the office.

Keep focusing on the reality of his action, otherwise your MH could deteriorate- said from experience, but do trust your instincts as they are never far wrong in circumstances like this. Keep a (current and retrospective) note of everything he does include interactions with you, dates and context.

The entire team works from home four days a week so this isn’t true at all.. If he only treats you like this, not giving you sufficient meaningful work to do and you've noticed this happening over time, then you need to have a meeting with him to discuss your current workload, what you used to do compared with what you do now and ask him to comment - the outcome you're looking for is a new supply of meaningful work and being treated the same as other colleagues). Give his the bare facts, and then say "over to you" (figuratively speaking) to find out his side.

I'd ask him directly. Are you trying to push me out, mate? As you ought to know that I like this job, or I used to at any rate, and I'm not going.

I don't agree with @jellyfishperiwinkle (sorry), that's jumping to a foregone conclusion and will make you vulnerable to being shot down in flames, just state the facts re your diminishing workload and get him to state what's happening. If he questions your competence to do the job, then this will lead to him having to tell you what you're actually doing wrong (from his perspective) which is something you can then decide, is either true and correct (how can he help you get back on track) or a misplaced judgement that you need to reassure him isn't the case.

Definitely don't call him 'mate' or any other such over-familiar term, that puts you firmly in the wrong!

Conciliatory is always better than confrontation if you care about your job.

Not in my experience. I didn't get where I am today as a senior director by not being direct with seniors who are pissing me about.

I had the surgery and had a month off work. When I came back in the new year his entire tone had changed and I experienced a horrible mental health episode linked to this and required some adjustments to be made at work (mainly working remotely due to the issues around travel that are supported entirely by my doctor).
This bit is really confusing as a few things seem to have mixed together. Was your time off for surgery the same time off as the mental health issue? How was his "tone" responsible for a mental health issue without you already going to HR? Or did you already escalate that? How does his "tone" make you medically unable to travel to the office, but able to work at home?

I think what's happened is that you've had a period off after surgery, fine. On return he didn't phase you back into work gently and he doesn't buy into your sudden medical need to be at home (and seems he has been clear he thinks it's childcare dressed up as medical need). How that breakdown in relations bit all happened is important for how you can (or can't) recover the situation with your manager. You'll need to reset his expectations, and keep a trail that you are asking for work etc. You may even need to step up and go to the office one day each week.