When is it time to leave?

[RosieJ89]

My husband was diagnosed with depression just over a year ago after becoming completely suicidal over a period of months. I dragged him to the doctors and he went onto sertraline for 6 months - didn’t make a huge difference - and then he stopped taking it cold turkey without talking to me or anyone about it. His mood has never gone back to normal since before the depression started.

I now find myself living with someone I barely recognise, trying to keep everything calm constantly to avoid my fear of him regressing again, avoiding all confrontation and generally
being distant from him. We have barely had sex in a year.

Last night my parents were supposed to stay for dinner. I was out with his sister and his mum for the day (celebrating our birthdays jointly) and was anxiously clock watching, knowing I couldn’t leave him with my parents for too long alone (with our kids!), because he’d get really grumpy. I called as soon as I was on my way home to find that they had already left - pre-dinner. I then get a phone call from my parents, who furiously told me he had been so rude to them that they left.

I have told him today that I’m cross that he was so rude to them and that it’s unacceptable, particularly as they had been looking after our children and dogs for the day. He has flat out denied being rude to them and said everything is always “his fault” and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him and I’m the one with the problem.

I just do not know what to do from here. We have 2 children age 10 and 7. I don’t like the roles we are playing out for them to witness - the above is just an example but there are many similar things. I suppose I’m worried that what if it is me? What if I’m awful to live with and I need to change but can’t recognise it? What if I’m draining him and this is what he has become?

For context, we both work full time and I do 85% minimum of the housework and all the kids pick up/drop offs, clubs etc.

you’ll see from my previous posts we have had a pretty tough few years….

any advice - particularly from men if there are any on here - would be appreciated.

thanks all x

It doesn't sound like it will improve. I tolerated far more than I should have done for years. He kept saying it was all my fault and everything I tried to do to help made things so much worse. I then left and have been so much happier since. He found someone else and improved a lot! Very, very glad I moved on.

He doesn't sound great OP. Is it fair to make your kids live through this?

He might be a mess, and that might make it difficult for you to leave, but your MH is more important as you are there for your kids. Do you want them to grow up around this?

I think you need to explore your reasons for thinking that it is your fault a bit more. Perhaps you can elaborate on why you think you are so "awful" to live with? What have you actually done? Perhaps he has gaslit you into thinking you are the problem? Would some therapy help? Probably.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve done anything - but he keeps telling me it’s me! I know I’m putting 1000% into keeping the house running, the kids happy, food on the table, going to work, trying to keep him happy. I literally don’t know what else I can do. A few nights ago my daughter woke after a nightmare, she woke us up. He got up stormed around slammed the door and was swearing (in front of her) and when I told him he needed to stop he told me to piss off. When I raised this with him a couple of days later he told me it’s a normal way to act when you get woken up repeatedly in the night (by your own children) and that “I’m sorry I’m not perfect” - in a sarcastic tone. I don’t think that’s normal?!?!! But then I think my patience is wearing so thin after years of this now that I’m probably snapping at him more than I would ever have done before - which obviously isn’t helping. I’ve asked him to go to therapy but he refuses, saying it’s pointless and doesn’t work.
Even reading this back to myself it just sounds ridiculous.

I have experience with one of these types (!!). I stayed way longer than I should have because of his MH issues. I allowed all sorts of bad behaviour and made excuses for it before I realised, MH issues are not a carte blanche to be an asswipe. it's more to do with him being one to begin with.

It sounds to me as though you would be much better off on your own. For the sake of your kids and you! And probably him, if he's so damn unhappy.

You need to look up projection (he's doing it to you!) and learn about passive aggressive behaviour and how insidious it is.

Therapy - he refuses, but you need to go individually (that was what I meant!). He doesn't sound as though he is the kind of person you can negotiate with.

You're not the cause of his issues, he is.

Please value yourself and your kids more highly.

Finally if you are worried about his mental health, you can suggest you can support him a bit from afar. Obviously your priority should be you and your kids, but that doesn't stop you from giving him a bit of support where he needs it from a distance. But don't fall over yourself to do it.

I have to co-parent (perhaps not the right word as I do 100% of the childcare and work!) with one of these types and it has taken me years to learn how to deal with it. Fortunately we don't live together. I do my best to support him in small ways but I realised I can't change him. We rub along ok-ish but it has been so good for my mental health since we split many years ago.

Please don't blame yourself and go get some therapy. There's the Freedom Programme which might help you. I think it's £10 online or something. Educate yourself in the ways men can be abusive and the cycle of abuse because it sounds as though you are in that cycle. Took me a long time to recognise it myself but I am glad I did. When kids are involved it's more difficult - but also more important to address it

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

If he is not doing anything to help his MH; the right medication, therapies, exercise etc etc I think he's left you no option but to leave.

He’s not willing to take step to address the issue (meds/therapy) and he’s being rude/abusive to your parents and children. It probably is time to discuss separating.

From your update it sounds like some of his behaviours pre-date the depression/suicidality episode. As PP said, having mental health difficulties is not an excuse to be abusive and aggressive to your family. Chastising a child for having a nightmare is just awful.

From the sounds of it he is not making any efforts to improve his mental health i.e. no medication, no therapy. Is he exercising or trying to look after himself/improve his situation in any other way? If the answer is no then I really don't think you owe him anything and need to walk away for your wellbeing and that of your children.

Thank you so much - really appreciate all your advice - I will definitely check it out tonight ❤️

He needs to be specific. If he thinks it's you, then how can you address anything if he won't be specific and give you examples of what he'd like to see instead. So if he's not doing that then there's no evidence that it is you.
There's also no evidence that he is trying to make things better or doing any fantastic adulting himself, so it's probably very hard to consider yourselves a team
I guess my question is, do you want to save the relationship, or are you better off separating?
I would advise taking some time out for yourself and have a long hard think about the life you want to be living, then address it with him. Give him the opportunity to get on board to make things better together if that's what you want.
But if he's fine as he is and doesn't want to change, is insistent that it's only you that has a problem, then you need to consider what that'll do to you long term.

To be honest at this point I think he sees me as someone who picks at things he does. Honestly, I probably do now since he stopped doing anything to improve his mental health, because I’m internally furious with him for that. I’ve never really had this out with him because I don’t want him to disappear back into a black hole, so I just sit on it and get more annoyed and he is more miserable, and around we go. I have tried twice to raise this with him this year and both times I’ve admitted I’m not as “nice” as I used to be because emotionally I’m so guarded now so I can’t let him in and he just doesn’t seem to understand what I’m saying at all - it’s like we speak completely different languages.

for example I posted tonight after the argument re my parents because I wanted some advice. We were interrupted by one of the kids coming downstairs so we had to stop talking. He’s now gone completely mute - ignoring the kids, has upset our daughter, and is sulking in bed. He can keep this up for weeks - months even in the past. I’m currently trying to set up my own business and I just can’t mentally deal with the children, work and then living with an angry bear!!! Hence why I just don’t say anything! But it means resolving anything is impossible. And the only example he could give me of me being in the wrong is that I had a go at him 3 weeks ago for leaving the front door open and letting the dog run out in to the road!!!

@RosieJ89 theres a difference between being depressed and being a shitty husband.

My DH has struggled with depression over the years and has had bouts so extreme that I despaired of how I could cope, if things would ever improve and even looked into residential facilities at one time. It was horrific for both of us and something I rarely reflect on because of how painful the situation was. The difference was my DH wanted the situation to improve and even though it was a real struggle for him, he did eventually get the help he needed and did make progress and has thankfully been in a much better place for nearly 3 years now. At no time when he was in the grips of his depression did he blame me, say it was my fault, shout at me or was rude to family.

Your husband may be depressed but he’s not taking any accountability for his own health. He’s also using it as an excuse to treat those around him poorly. He’s blaming you for everything because it’s easier, if it’s your fault then it’s out of his hands. He can’t give legitimate reasons for why you are the cause of his depression because there are none. Sulking and silent treatment are abusive, there is no excuse for it.

I would suggest seeking therapy for yourself. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining living with someone who is depressed and there is a very real issue of not wanting to rock the boat and make things worse. You need support and need to maintain your own mental stability.

Please don't stay with someone who is angry and ignores his own children!!

You deserve so much better!

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know (at least I very much think) that this behaviour is all down to his mental health. Underneath he has a wonderful, fun and caring personality. I just think he’s so lost in it now he actually thinks this is who he is. I wish he would get some help but whenever I suggest it now he says there’s nothing wrong with him and I’m the problem. Equally I’ve told him if it’s me that makes him unhappy then we should separate, but he doesn’t seem to want to act on that either. I actually am at the point now where I almost feel like it’s better if he thinks it’s me. At least then if we separate, he’ll feel vindicated and like it’s my issue, and won’t disappear into depression. I just want him to be him again, if that has to be without me then so be it. I want our children to know him, not this version of him. I just can’t get that across to him. But then again, I read this and think “what if I’m totally wrong? What if he is actually fine and I’m some high maintenance nightmare that’s driven him crazy”. I go round and round in my head wondering what I could be doing and what i could change but I never get anywhere. As a total aside, but probably relavent, he’s also consuming a lot of social media that is different to what he’s ever been into before - he told me a while ago he thinks Andrew Tate “has a point”, and his political views have changed substantially also.

It's time to leave when he doesn't make you happy anymore. When you worry about leaving him alone with the kids. When he's rude to your parents but it's never his fault. It's enough OP. He's not trying to get well. You've done your best but it sounds like he doesn't want to improve. I'd cut my losses before another 5 years of your life goes by.

If he can manage to behave reasonably at work then he can at home- failure to show you and your children the respect he evidently gives his colleagues ( how else can he continue to work) is just plain selfish narcissistic behaviour not a treatable mental illness.

Narcissistic people can be charming when they want to.

He has had problems at work too unfortunately - he was hanging on by a thread 6 months ago after being called into HR for shouting right in the face of a lady he works with because he didn’t like an email she had sent. I was (and still am) absolutely horrified by this obviously.

To be brutally honest, I'd leave any man who told me they thought Andrew Tate "had a point".

His behaviour towards your children is emotional abuse and will undoubtedly be damaging them. Therefore, regardless of the cause, they need to be protected. If he can’t accept he’s behaving inappropriately he’s not going to change to protect them so you have to do that, and it seems like your only option is to separate from him.

@RosieJ89 any man who starts thinking ‘Andrew Tate has a point’ is not someone I could remain in a relationship with long term. It sounds like his depression is leading him to blame you and seek out online content that confirms this view. He’s found the manosphere where those beliefs are just being reinforced and will likely become more extreme over time. The man you knew him to be might not be him anymore, there might not be any route back to who he was previously and you can’t realistically hold on to this vague possibility long term. He is who he is right now, sure he could change again but who knows whether that will be for better or worse. He’s holding down a full time job and functioning at a basic level, he has capacity to get help if he chooses to.

If he refuses to get help the best thing you can do is seek help for yourself. This will help you get perspective, process your feelings and confirm that this really isn’t your doing.

It's time to leave when you are unhappy. You can't take responsibility for his mental health, only he can. And in any case, being depressed is not an excuse for shitty behaviour - and I say that as someone who also has depression.