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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step kids mum and holiday

51 replies

gototheshop · 11/03/2025 19:04

Step children both primary aged who we have 50% of the time. Holidays split in half.

We had them last half of summer last year and we’re set to have them first half this year. Have had a big holiday planned and booked since last summer.

Mum is pregnant and due during this holiday. We didn’t know this until recently.
She wants to swap halves so kids are there when baby is born and so she gets a break with newborn.

What is reasonable here?

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 11/03/2025 19:45

gototheshop · 11/03/2025 19:17

We would be happy to have kids extra during mums half just don't want to swap halves.

Then you're being more than generous! I hope the mum appreciates it, I know I would. Go on your holiday with the kids even if she's not happy about it. This will give her some wellneede downtime after the birth as well.

DillyDallyDella · 11/03/2025 20:07

gototheshop · 11/03/2025 19:24

They are obviously excited for the baby but are excited for the holiday too and are happy that going means not seeing baby until we get home.

Then there’s your answer. “Sorry, it’s been booked since last year and we can’t change it. We’re happy to have them more over the summer if that helps.”

Nothing more to say, surely?

Moonnstars · 11/03/2025 20:11

If the holiday is booked then surely you can say it's not possible to swap. Are the children able to return to her as soon as you come back (I am not sure whether they were then meant to be staying with you longer?)

Hankunamatata · 11/03/2025 20:40

Id explain the holiday is booked and unfortunately you can't afford the cost to chnage it. You would be happy to have the kids more if needed when you get back. Perhaps offered to facetime mum so kids can see the baby? Does the dad have any relations who could help with childcare?

Devianinc · 11/03/2025 23:03

How about this bc I know it will go big with her. She’s can book holiday flights, transfers and transportation and they can visit the babies arrival. All on her if she wants it so bad. And then she can fly them back to there holiday accommodation. I think that’s more than fair. If she wants pay for it, let her.

Kitchensinktoday · 12/03/2025 06:57

Hankunamatata · 11/03/2025 20:40

Id explain the holiday is booked and unfortunately you can't afford the cost to chnage it. You would be happy to have the kids more if needed when you get back. Perhaps offered to facetime mum so kids can see the baby? Does the dad have any relations who could help with childcare?

This!

Timeforaglassofwine · 12/03/2025 07:04

Come home early once you get the news that the baby arrived? The children are going to be very excited to see the new sibling. Meeting a brand new baby sibling is a life event that they won't want to miss. There's no point moving dates, when babies are rarely born on exact due dates.

rookiemere · 12/03/2025 07:14

Timeforaglassofwine · 12/03/2025 07:04

Come home early once you get the news that the baby arrived? The children are going to be very excited to see the new sibling. Meeting a brand new baby sibling is a life event that they won't want to miss. There's no point moving dates, when babies are rarely born on exact due dates.

Moving/changing pre booked holidays would be a very expensive thing to do.

The baby will still be there when the DC get back and they can face time before then.

Justsayit123 · 12/03/2025 07:16

Keep the holiday!

Shelby2010 · 12/03/2025 07:28

Why can’t you find out whether you could actually move the holiday & how much it would cost. Also check whether you could move annual leave if necessary.

It also depends when her due date is as to whether it makes sense moving it. It’s not unreasonable to say you can’t change the holiday, but it for the sake of the kids I would check the logistics with the holiday company before giving an answer.

rwalker · 12/03/2025 07:36

Price it up how much to change and tell her

And offer to have kids more in her 1/2

PoppyFleur · 12/03/2025 07:46

I would not change the holiday dates.

In an ideal world the timings would have worked out but I think the mum is being a little unrealistic about variables that she has no control over.

What if the baby is overdue?
What if the baby is early?
Goodness forbid but what if there are complications and mum/baby need to remain in hospital for several days?

At least with the children away, having a wonderful holiday, mum can focus purely on herself and do as much preparation as possible to make post baby life easier.

Ferrazzuoli · 12/03/2025 07:54

You can offer extra help / flexibility for the rest of the summer, but it's not reasonable to expect you to change your booked holiday.

Ponoka7 · 12/03/2025 07:58

Devianinc · 11/03/2025 23:03

How about this bc I know it will go big with her. She’s can book holiday flights, transfers and transportation and they can visit the babies arrival. All on her if she wants it so bad. And then she can fly them back to there holiday accommodation. I think that’s more than fair. If she wants pay for it, let her.

They'd have to be accompanied. It would be at least three days out of their holiday, not worth going, to do that.
I'd go with the facetime option. As said, the dates could run over.

Shelby2010 · 12/03/2025 08:09

Why did DP ask the kids? This really not good parenting! And what would you have done if they’d said they did want to see the baby as soon as it’s born? Would you have changed the holiday then? Or were they just told they wouldn’t have a holiday at all if they chose the baby? Very, very manipulative.

HoppingPavlova · 12/03/2025 08:15

Too many variables. What if the baby comes really early at 28 weeks? What if the baby is 2 weeks late. What if, what if, what if. The holiday has already been booked, the end. If she was so concerned about this, she should have planned the baby around the holiday.

Bluenotgreen · 12/03/2025 08:30

gototheshop · 11/03/2025 19:15

Holiday is booked to take step kids, 18 nights.
It would not be easy or cheap to change.

I’m assuming SM knows about this?

Then you just go back to her and say you have holiday booked so DC will be with you then as agreed. Say you are happy to be flexible outside of those dates to accommodate her having baby and hope all goes well.

Is this a DH problem? I’m not really understanding what the issue is, and I suspect other posters are having the same difficulty.

Bubblesgun · 12/03/2025 08:44

I dont want to be rude but why cant you both have a simple conversation with the mum?
”hiya, we would love to help but we have this big holiday booked which would be impossible to change or at a prohibitive cost.
if you want we re delighted to help and have them every week ends during your half or whatever works for you. So have a thibk and let us know what we can do to help.
So so sorry but we booked the holiday a year ago.”

it s not unreasonable for her to ask, it isnt unreasonable for you to say no it doesnt work. Surely, adulta can work out a solution by talking through it or am I missing something?

Heidi1976 · 12/03/2025 08:50

Hankunamatata · 11/03/2025 20:40

Id explain the holiday is booked and unfortunately you can't afford the cost to chnage it. You would be happy to have the kids more if needed when you get back. Perhaps offered to facetime mum so kids can see the baby? Does the dad have any relations who could help with childcare?

Agree with this approach. My child's siblings don't live with us and quite a distance away, so they didn't meet her for a few weeks. All was fine. For the hassle and cost of moving the holiday, it doesn't really seem like the impact would be worth it - IMO!

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 12/03/2025 08:53

Her choice to get pregnant knowing she has two other children that she is accountable for 50% of the time. She needs to suck it up and stick to the plan. She neither needs or deserves a ‘break’

Yazzi · 12/03/2025 08:56

Devianinc · 11/03/2025 23:03

How about this bc I know it will go big with her. She’s can book holiday flights, transfers and transportation and they can visit the babies arrival. All on her if she wants it so bad. And then she can fly them back to there holiday accommodation. I think that’s more than fair. If she wants pay for it, let her.

This is so needlessly antagonistic. The lady asked a reasonable question. It's fine for OP and husband to decline but there's nothing wrong with a little compassion in the circumstances.

rookiemere · 12/03/2025 09:09

Gosh no wonder so many people have drama in their lives !

She is probably over estimating the whole importance of this to everyone else. In reality if baby comes when her DCs are away that's a good thing as her DP has time to solely concentrate on her.

Sure the DCs will have an interest in seeing their new half sibling, but once they have seen it, what does she imagine will happen. As they are primary age they still need looking after and cannot be left alone which means she will be without her DP if she is still in the hospital.

But all that needs doing is DP very nicely saying "Congratulations, the DCs are all very excited to meet their new sibling. Unfortunately we booked this holiday before we knew, and it would cost a huge amount to change or cancel it. We can facetime as soon as you are ready and the DCs can come as soon as we are back. We are also happy to be as flexible as you want over the rest of the summer holidays. Hope this works for you."

Ellie1015 · 12/03/2025 09:15

I think it is reasonable to say holiday booked and paid for and can't be moved. But offer to swap any other days and pick up some extra days during mum's time if it is possible.

pizzaHeart · 12/03/2025 09:24

I think not changing holiday and just offering to have kids more is much better option. Baby can arrive any day after certain period. Labour can go as planned or completely opposite. Some babies are easier then others. So many variables as many PPs mentioned.
By the way I wouldn’t promise vague “to have them more” unless you are absolutely sure that you could deliver this promise.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 12/03/2025 09:57

Does she know you have booked the holiday? Could you swap and do the holiday, so you will have them a bit longer?