Advice on relationships where you become a step mom

[Dobetter]

Hi all.

I am in a relationship with someone who has 3 children from 3 women. Ages 13, 9, 2. I have known this person 20 years and we have dated previously.

Prior to 4 weeks ago he did not have contact with the mum of his 2yo and went through his family members. Overnight they have now decided to have contact. Whilst I don’t expect him to tell me the ins and outs of every conversation, unless I ask directly he does not even share the fact they have spoken with me. Is this normal? I feel like I’m going mad. When I asked yesterday he told me they had spoke and he’s buying a new pushchair. Had I not have asked I don’t think he would have told me. We share a home together, is this not basic communication. I genuinely don’t care what he spends, it’s his money and I would never interfere with anything he chooses to do for his children. But I’m struggling with the lack of communication. I’ve raised it and he actually said that it’s none of my concern what they talk about. Thank you for reading.

Why on earth would he have to tell you every time he speaks to the mother of his children?

How old are you?

He can’t possibly report back to you everytime they communicate. It would make him feel like you don’t trust him or like he’s reporting to his superior at work.

Unless it’s a vital piece of information or something that would affect me, my DH doesn’t tell me every time he talks to his ex.

It’s just not necessary for anyone involved. The most important person in these scenarios is the children and if their parents are on good terms where they can communicate that’s a hell of a lot better for the child than parents who are no contact.

It sounds as if they were no contact up until now and suddenly now in contact again and he did not share this with OP. Not her expecting info from every conversation had.

OP, 3 kids, 3 different women, he’s already your previous ex … come on, now.

I expect it is just that it is an awkward relationship he has with his ex and he didn't maybe feel ready to talk about it. I wouldn't see it as a problem that he has contact with the mum of one of his kids. The three kids with three different women thing would make me wary tbh, but assuming he's a good dad and sees them a lot, pays child support etc 🤷‍♀️. You've known him 20 years so you know what he's like better than we do

You might get the odd "Jeremy Kyle" comment on here but you know what you're doing (hopefully)

Let me guess, you’re subsidising his very existence as well as facilitating his relationships with his children and two other exes?

Out of curiosity do you know much about the mother of the 2 year old? Is there a reason you might be feeling a bit off about the communication between them starting now?

You’ll get lots of comments here OP from women who have split from their kids’ dad and hate the new girlfriends, and a lot of comments from people who are still with their kids’ dad and can’t imagine him ever having to consider someone else.

From a stepmum, YANBU to expect to know when your partner is talking to his ex and be informed at least about changes to their relationship. Regardless of children involved.

He doesn't need to talk to you about his conversations with her, or what he is doing for the children.

If he's leeching off you and it's your money he's spending on this kids, that's obviously a different story.

Other than that, he doesn't need to report his parenting to you.

If you don't trust him talking to other women, then that's a problem. Maybe because he's untrustworthy, or you're insecure. Decide which.

If its this, you are foolish and being used.

What a prince among men he must be! When is it your turn to have his child?

Another one here.

My partner lets me know about communication with his ex. A total transparency policy was the only way it would work with us. Especially as change of dates/ payments impacts us both.

Just find a solution that works for you. You are not unreasonable to want to know about communication that impacts you.

<3

Being a stepmum and having one ex to deal with can be problematic. Having 3 DMs to deal with would make me run for the hills.

Are you sure this is what you want?

I can only assume there are some people who did not read this whole post. It clearly says I don’t expect to know the ins and outs of every conversation. I have one child from a previous relationship and am very open about any conversations we have. I expect the same level of courtesy, if he has spoken to her and made arrangements to see them I would like to be told and not have to ask. We share a home and I see this as basic communication. He works full time as do I. It’s wild how grown women can make those assumptions. Whilst having 3 mothers isn’t a fairytale we are in 2025 and it’s reality. Thank you to the people who offered constructive opinions.

I’m unable to have anymore children. Thank you for such a kind comment. Wishing you a lovely day.

Has he suddenly started to see his 2yr old now that you're on the scene and he can share the childcare load with you and possibly save himself some maintenance?

Does he live close to all three of his children and see them regularly, participate in school runs and parents evenings and is a hands on father?

I'm presuming from the age of his youngest child you haven't been together that long and yet you're already living together and in a "stepmom" role, did he push for this? Or was it something you really wanted (to be the stepmom to a teenager a primary school child and a toddler) because that sounds like a lot of hard work to me.

I hope, for your sake, it wasn't a case of him moving into your home, getting his feet under the table and now slowly upping his child contact and leaving you to actually parent, cook and clean for his DC, while he pockets the maintenance he's saving; this happens a lot unfortunately.

Geez if my partner had to tell me every time he spoke to his kids mum I’d never get a word in lol!! They are on good terms and are in contact nearly everyday in regards to the kids as they don’t have a set court agreed contact schedule and both go to different schools (plus teens so always changing their minds/plans).

Read Mary Poppins, and watch The Sound of Music and Nanny McPhee.
You'll be the perfect step-mom.

Congratulations in your wise choice of a partner.

Well that’s a completely different situation, isn’t it? OP isn’t objecting to them communicating but going from no contact to joint purchases is a huge change.

I’d expect to hear about it if my partner had any major changes in communication with anyone. Because, yknow, we talk to each other.

How nasty.

Congratulations on the help and thoughtfulness you show to others when they ask for advice.

I don't know OP, I think you've over complicated things by moving in together in the early stages of the relationship. Why does he need to tell you about every conversation?

Advice on relationships where you become a step mom

You become a step mom when you marry the DC's father. Otherwise you're his girlfriend...or partner as it's known now.

As you live together I'd have thought it quite normal for him to have a passing conversation about certain things that involve his DC with you.

Yes I do think he should tell you when he speaks to her. It's basic manners. Not an exact retelling of conversation but at least mention it. Tbh he doesn't exactly sound like a catch...3 ex's to deal with? If I were you I would run. Some ex wives/ mum's are decent and nice, but the chances of finding 3 are slim lol

Thank you. I'm sure OP found your post helpful.

You’re contradicting yourself.

You said in your original post that you were miffed because he spoke to his ex about buying a new pushchair and then in your follow up post said you don’t expect to be told the ins and outs of every conversation. So which one is it, you’re annoyed at not hearing about their conversations or you don’t expect to hear about them?

If you have an issue with when he’s making plans to see his children then there should be a set routine of when he does see them. That’s what is best for all children and adults.