AIBU to wonder how on earth someone can stay with a partner whose threatened their Child with a knife?

Bornintheeighties · 2025-03-11T07:46:58+00:00

I've posted about this before under a different name but didn't get many replies. I won't go into all the ins and outs incase I out myself. To sum things up, my cousin has decided to stay with a man whose threatened her adult DD with a knife, but because he didn't actually 'use it', my cousin insists that he's not a danger to anyone and that he only acted in the 'heat of the moment' by picking the knife up because her DD was arguing with him. WTF? Because of her mother's influence ,I'm assuming, her DD has decided not to go to the Police and report the incident, and although she's kept a wide berth from this scumbag, she seems to be allowing her mum to make her see that what he did is not a big deal. How can I make my cousin's DD understand that it's not normal for any parent to forgive someone who could've potentially killed or at least seriously injured their child? I just can't wrap my head around my cousin minimising such dangerous actions.

AnEagerSleeper · 11/03/2025 07:48

Hmmmm I have an entire family carpet sweeping abuse so this experience is common but awfully wrong and does untold damage to the child. Can you go to the police yourself?

Ponoka7 · 11/03/2025 07:51

The only thing that you can do is speak to the DD and help her realise how abusive and dangerous it was. It's up to her if she wants to report it. I've a feeling that her Mother would deny it, anyway. Has he been looked up online?

soupyspoon · 11/03/2025 07:54

If there are children under 18 in the household you could refer to SSD

Original poster

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 08:10

AnEagerSleeper · 11/03/2025 07:48

Hmmmm I have an entire family carpet sweeping abuse so this experience is common but awfully wrong and does untold damage to the child. Can you go to the police yourself?

Sorry to hear your family minimise abuse, I've offered to go to the Police, even if just to have his name put on record, but by the sounds of it, no one will back me up as to what he's done and make a statement.

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Original poster

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 08:13

Ponoka7 · 11/03/2025 07:51

The only thing that you can do is speak to the DD and help her realise how abusive and dangerous it was. It's up to her if she wants to report it. I've a feeling that her Mother would deny it, anyway. Has he been looked up online?

I've tried speaking to her, but I think she's manipulated by her mum to not realise just how dangerous this man could be.

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Original poster

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 08:14

soupyspoon · 11/03/2025 07:54

If there are children under 18 in the household you could refer to SSD

There's no children thankfully, and her waste of space partner doesn't have any.

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AnEagerSleeper · 11/03/2025 08:16

It is very common for victims of domestic violence to minimise their experiences.

You can still go to the police because when they speak to your niece/cousin it would have more impact but it is likely but you will likely lose your relationships if you do. That should not stop you if you feel it is the right thing to do. Families are often utterly rubbish for dealing with these types of behaviour.

Original poster

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 08:17

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 08:13

I've tried speaking to her, but I think she's manipulated by her mum to not realise just how dangerous this man could be.

Show quote history

Yes I've looked him up, but can't find anything on him.

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Agix · 11/03/2025 08:18

My mum would be in the same room as her partner would start to sexually abuse me. She would just turn around and walk away. She refused to do anything about it, no matter how much I pleaded with her to keep him away, she only banned him from the house when I told her I would go to the police if she didn't keep him away. I was 14-15.

There are some awful people in the world, and not everyone has mothers who give a shit about them.

I didn't go to the police at the time because I promised mum I wouldn't as long as she didn't let him near me. I could go to the police now, but there is a deep seated feeling of... If my mum didn't care, why would anyone else? I'd just get a lot of hassle from going to the police, nothibf else would happen.

I'm just saying it may not be that the daughter is manipulated, or doesn't think he's dangerous, she could be too scared of the fallout within her family to go to the police and wondering what the point is when no one really cares anyway.

LilyHarris · 11/03/2025 08:26

I was a juror on a case involving this exact scenario. It was reported to the police five years after it happened and he was found guilty for it, alongside various other domestic abuse charges. Hopefully your cousin finds the strength to do the same one day.

mintchocolatecoffee · 11/03/2025 08:32

Please report this to the police and social services, today.

TheCatterall · 11/03/2025 08:52

@Bornintheeighties i think it’s worth doing a Clare’s law request in case he has previous for violent and threatening behaviour towards women.

Original poster

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 08:59

Agix · 11/03/2025 08:18

My mum would be in the same room as her partner would start to sexually abuse me. She would just turn around and walk away. She refused to do anything about it, no matter how much I pleaded with her to keep him away, she only banned him from the house when I told her I would go to the police if she didn't keep him away. I was 14-15.

There are some awful people in the world, and not everyone has mothers who give a shit about them.

I didn't go to the police at the time because I promised mum I wouldn't as long as she didn't let him near me. I could go to the police now, but there is a deep seated feeling of... If my mum didn't care, why would anyone else? I'd just get a lot of hassle from going to the police, nothibf else would happen.

I'm just saying it may not be that the daughter is manipulated, or doesn't think he's dangerous, she could be too scared of the fallout within her family to go to the police and wondering what the point is when no one really cares anyway.

I'm so sorry that you went through all of that, and your mum turned a blind eye to it. I can't comprehend how a mother could do such a thing.
People would care if you do ever decide to report the monster who abused you, please don't think that others wouldn't.

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Original poster

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 09:03

LilyHarris · 11/03/2025 08:26

I was a juror on a case involving this exact scenario. It was reported to the police five years after it happened and he was found guilty for it, alongside various other domestic abuse charges. Hopefully your cousin finds the strength to do the same one day.

I'm glad that he eventually got his comeuppance. My cousin definitely won't report him at this moment in time, and her DD won't report him either. I'm trying to get them both to see that he will highly likely do something like this again.

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Original poster

Bornintheeighties · 11/03/2025 09:06

mintchocolatecoffee · 11/03/2025 08:32

Please report this to the police and social services, today.

There's no children involved so no need for social services. I feel unable to report him at the moment as no one will back me up about what happened if I do, and I wasn't a witness to the incident.

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Endofyear · 11/03/2025 19:21

You can apply for a Clare's law disclosure on behalf of a family member - I would definitely try that. Apart from speaking to your cousin's DD I'm not sure what else you can do. Just reassure her that you are always there to help her if she needs you, hopefully she will see sense.

Onethinnyatatime · 11/03/2025 19:58

I would report this to the police, even if the do nothing this time, but just in case they can do something. I would ask them for some guidance as I would fear for my family members' safery. What this scumbag did is a very serious offence, and it's essential to send a clear message to both your cousin and her daughter that this behaviour is unacceptable. Maybe he has some history and the police can record this new offense.He is dangerous, and the situation could quickly escalate if no action is taken.

Take the first step. Stand by your cousin's daughter. Be prepared for the possibility of losing them in the short term, but reassure them that you'll be there for them when they're ready to change their mind.

Swiftie1878 · 12/03/2025 08:10

One of you could ask the police for information on him under Clare’s Law. This will tell you if he has any history of domestic abuse.

Octonaut4Life · 12/03/2025 08:14

Report it to the police OP. If it's hearsay (I presume) they won't do much about it, but if your cousins daughter reports the same thing down the line it might help the police to believe her of there's a more contemporary report on file.

CandyBear · 12/03/2025 09:07

Agix · 11/03/2025 08:18

My mum would be in the same room as her partner would start to sexually abuse me. She would just turn around and walk away. She refused to do anything about it, no matter how much I pleaded with her to keep him away, she only banned him from the house when I told her I would go to the police if she didn't keep him away. I was 14-15.

There are some awful people in the world, and not everyone has mothers who give a shit about them.

I didn't go to the police at the time because I promised mum I wouldn't as long as she didn't let him near me. I could go to the police now, but there is a deep seated feeling of... If my mum didn't care, why would anyone else? I'd just get a lot of hassle from going to the police, nothibf else would happen.

I'm just saying it may not be that the daughter is manipulated, or doesn't think he's dangerous, she could be too scared of the fallout within her family to go to the police and wondering what the point is when no one really cares anyway.

@Agix I’m so sorry this happened to you and that your mother allowed it to! That’s awful of them both! If you feel able to, you should def report it. It makes you wonder if he had such gall to do it in front of your mother, likely he did it to others too. Hope your healing well.