Marital rape, do I go ahead with the statement?

[FriedBrainFood]

To not go ahead with the police statement for charges of rape against ex. (Left a few months ago due to d.v). Ex has been in prison before but for an unrelated crime when he was a lot younger before we went which he never told me about.

After my initial interview with an officer, shes made me realise whats happened to me. Since then I've been battling this with myself and trying come to the realisation and accept that this is what happened to me.

I feel like I cannot move forward with thus statement because all I can think of is how it will break the children when they realise that their father is a rapist when they are older.
I understand that getting a conviction is hard enough but especially marital rape is going to be even more so.

Do I continue with this or just move on with my life and not ruin my children's future?

@maternitylleave102 and @Gettingbysomehow
I read a thread you both posted on, would love to know your thoughts.

I’m so sorry to read this. It’s very complex and I speak only as a stranger on the internet.. your children will likely not get to know about it until they are older and ready but it’s really not your shame to carry. You will be able to support your children through it and perhaps get them some counselling when the time is right. There’s a strong chance that they’ll be extremely proud of you for doing something so difficult, and potentially protecting future victims, speaking out for girls and women everywhere. My mother was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and her abuser died, unpunished. This is like a knife to my heart everyday…imagine your children realising what you went through, and living with the idea that he got away with it in order to somehow protect their feelings?

Those are very wise words.

I know this man is the father of your kids, but it doesn’t give him autonomy over your mind and body. I would hate my kids to be exposed to the tension in a home where this is happening. I wish I had pressed charges on my abuser. You might have access to counselling and support services if you continue. Over time it becomes really important so that you don’t repeat the pattern and teach your kids not to as well.

Their father is a rapist whether you make a statement or not.

Finding out, and these things have a way of coming out eventually, that your Mother let him get away with it, because of you.. thats a big thing for a kid to bear, even an adult kid.

The person who has hurt your children is him, the rapist, not you. Teach your kids that you don't tolerate such behaviour from other people, not that you ignore it.

I think its best to teach children that men shouldn't get away with attacking women. I'm sure they know somethings up too. Going ahead will also help ensure he can't turn them against you by saying you got him in trouble over nothing (or whatever similar bs).

It's protecting your kids to proceed

Beneficial too if he gets given time as nasty people should have as little contact with children as possible. No dad is better than a dad who assaults their mother.

When they are grown I think they'll be very proud of you for going ahead. And glad to have one parent who pursued goodness, kindness and bravery in the face of adversary as a role model.

I see the rape as part of the whole abusive picture, which will be hard for your kids to deal with anyway.

Reading a thread about Clare’s Law recently and one thing that stood out was the fact that even if no further legal action is taken, crimes and incidents still go onto that record so another woman may potentially be saved from getting into a bad situation if you do report it all.

m Good luck, this is obviously a really challenging time for you.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the women he is going to come in contact with in the future.
And show your kids that you need to stand up to abusers.

The decision to go ahead with a statement is hugely personal. You don’t owe it to anyone to follow up a report to the police, it’s very easy to say you should, but you know what you can tolerate. The process of investigation is hard, victims aren’t particularly protected and court (if it gets that far) is really tough. It’s also a public process, so yes your kids might find out in years to come, but if it’s a slow news day your neighbour down the street might also find out.

You aren’t responsible if he offends again, you aren’t responsible for what happened to you and you aren’t responsible for ensuring the justice system works for other women.

Following through with reporting can be very empowering for women, it can also be a step too far and given the very low conviction rates, I wouldn’t pressure anyone who for any reason felt they didn’t want to continue.

Really feel for you, this is such a difficult situation. I understand the guilt that must come with this situation, but you haven't done anything wrong. He chose to do it, it was not your choice.

I don't know if this may help, but by making an statement and going ahead it may help in the situation of the children. When dad wants contact with the children, which may or may not go through the court process, having this on record may help whether there are charges or not. For many, calling the police and thinking of how it benefits your children may help to lessen that horrible guilty feeling.

Really feel for you. Wishing you and your children well.

I think that you need to decide what you can cope with.
It's the easiest thing in the world for strangers in your phone to encourage you, and of course as a woman I agree. It's the right thing to do.
However, I suspect that it will be a really long, gruelling journey that might not end in conviction. Why were the police involved? Is he being charged for another offence?

It's entirely a personal choice and you need to do what is right only for you, it's easy for people to say police/court process is the right thing to do and a sense of justice is of course key.

For me I don't think I would. The Police process can be intrusive and I feel sometimes with DV cases it is like the victim is on trial. No other type of offence is treated this way (if your house is burgled they don't ask what you were wearing, whether you'd had a drink and ultimately forgotten to safeguard your house and enticed the criminal) I wouldn't cope well with a not guilty verdict and wouldn't want information that is deeply personal in the public domain. I would ask myself what is more healing and what will feel right. Alternative support from women's services who understand what has happened might appeal more to me.

Ultimately only do what is right for you. Don't agree to do anything you are not comfortable with. You have set yourself free from abuse don't allow any authority figure to control or manipulate you into doing or saying anything you don't want to.

All I care about are the children, the dv has had an impact of them too. Especially now that they are no longer home and continously question why can they not go back home, they him their father, they don't know any better. They love him.

@Jellycatspyjamas yes you made a valid point, about not being made responsible.
I know that he has done similar things to other women. However I cannot be that voice for them, I'm not that person, I'm little old me. It sounds selfish but I can't be the voice for others. My focus is my children and causing as little trauma as I can considering what they've been expose to by him.

@okydokethen sometimes I feel that the police are really pushing for this charge when it was such a small part of the D.V. I have very little proof to support the rape but they keep pushing this, it will always be my word against him. I have photographic proof of bruises when he physically would hit me but none of this is being investigated or even questioned.

Please find the strength necessary op. In my early 20's nighty rape became my normal. In my 50's it is still difficult to maintain a 'normal' healthy sex life. If I had been heard and he had been forced to take responsibility for what he had done I would feel less burdened...
Our dc hot teens and went nc with him if their own choice... Nothing they heard about their df from anyone else.. Their own knowledge of what he was.. A nasty, vicious bully. When the dc were too old to con /control he lost his mask...
Do it FOR you and FOR them.

I don’t think it’s selfish at all. He is who he is, and he sounds like he has long form for abusing women. Interesting they don’t want to pursue an investigation into the bits you do have evidence for, just for the rape which it sounds like would be your word against his. The rape charge might strengthen their position re the domestic abuse but it sounds like they aren’t going anywhere with that.

I’d be concerned that you do go through with it, they can’t prove the allegations and he feels even more empowered to continue because the police can’t get him to court.

It’s very easy for people to say you should follow this through but you have to live your life. Do the thing that brings you peace and don’t feel obliged to do to “for other women”, you have one life and you’ve spent so much of it trying to free yourself from this man, living with his abuse. It’s your time now to do whatever sets you free.

If you don’t push this now. He will get access to your kids and can turn them against you. At least this way there is a chance he will be convicted and there will be less chance he can screw your kids’ lives up.

I speak from experience. My mum’s ex partner did something bad. My mum didn’t push it even though he could have gone to prison. We left to a homeless hostel type place. The case was dropped. Eventually he got access back for his son (my brother) and it honestly ruined my brother’s life having that influence back in his life, with no supervision etc. Still breaks my heart now.

I think it’s actually very important that your kids know the truth about him. Not all of it immediately, but eventually. They will need to understand why they were kept away from him, what you were protecting them from. Please go ahead with the statement.

"I know that he has done similar things to other women. However I cannot be that voice for them, I'm not that person, I'm little old me. It sounds selfish but I can't be the voice for others. My focus is my children and causing as little trauma as I can considering what they've been expose to by him."

But if one of the previous women had spoken out, you and your kids wouldn't have been put in this situation.

sometimes I feel that the police are really pushing for this charge when it was such a small part of the D.V.

They're pushing for this charge because rape is exceptionally serious offence, OP.

It's not a 'small part' of anything. It's a very, very serious criminal offence in its own right. Your ex is a rapist and a danger to women.

It's not 'marital rape'. It's just rape. Rape doesn't become a different crime just because you're married to your rapist.

With regards to your children, let me tell you now that if my father was a rapist I would damn well want to know about it so I could make an informed decision about my relationship with him. If I found out that my mother had hidden something like that from me I'd be absolutely fucking horrified that she'd misled me about my father's character.

Based on your updates, as I suspected, he will turn the kids against you if you don't proceed unfortunately. Do everything you can to get him put away.

At the very least, pressing forwards shows courage in your convictions as opposed to backtracking. The later wpuld be used by him to tell the kids you are crazy and got him into trouble for nothing.

It's really up to you.

Personally i would get a bit of power back by taking a stand and speaking my truth and letting him account for his actions to the children if that time came. I am not accountable for a mans actions.

But I'm also not the one who will be on the shitty end of a stick if he isn't convicted.

I'd hope if it wasn't the right outcome thatj2 the kids would see me as the level headed person I am and understand that life isn't always fair, all you can do is stand up and be counted and hope justice is done. If it isn't, you will have lived it and will always be supportive of them should they end up in a similar position.

I think I would be honest with my children, I think how honest depends on their age of course and how much they want to know. You could just say he was physically abusive and leave it at that. I think it's better for your children to know the truth than to either be exposed to a relationship with him (if he's a rapist and abusive I can't imagine he's someone they would benefit from having in their lives) or thinking they were kept from him without good reason.

I don't think you're selfish at all. The blame for rape or any other crime lays with the perpetrator, not past victims or yourself for not reporting.