To still talk to my dad (TW ABUSE)

[StCatsDay]

I don't know what I want from this thread but brain has been going over things for days and thought it might help to get it written down.
I have been no contact with my mum for 5 years now, no regret and have no desire to fix things.
I see my dad maybe once a year, normally speak once a week but I've been ignoring his calls for 3 weeks now. This doesn't feel good but he's upset me and I'm starting to question if ignoring his part in my horrific upbringing is good for my own well being. I'll list some of my issues with him below.

I was born to married parents, she was 17 he was 21. She was awful to all of us. I remember sitting in my room listening to her screaming and throwing stuff at my dad, trashing the house (this was normal for her) He came up to my room and told me "I don't know what to do" I told him to go and live with my Nan and then he could come back and take me with him, I was about 5 years old. He was my only safe person.

He did leave, he didn't take me with him though. He remarried and had another daughter. I was left with a woman who regularly told me she'd wished I'd died at birth. It was awful and he just left me there. He'd take me out maybe once a month, never on the holidays my sister got or Christmases or birthdays, the bare minimum.

I was SA as a teenager, (this is the bit that is really getting to me) I told him, he come to the police and reported it but it was no further actioned. (This was 27 years ago)
My life continued to be shit, I left home at 19, I now have my own children and lovely husband and home.

Two years ago the police contacted me about the allegations I'd made as a teen, they wanted to reopen and prosecute, I supported this and a trial happened.
It was a big trial lasting several weeks and my dad's reaction to it has really got to me. Apart from one phone call where he apologised and admitted he was wrong to leave his daughter in such a disgusting situation he acted more concerned about how it being brought up made him look. Comments such as..

When asked to give a statement - - -The police are judging me because of what happened to you, I can see it written all over their faces.
While waiting for the trial date - You should pull out of this case, it's not fair on (my DH) I suspect this was more because he likes to pretend he hasn't done anything wrong and seeing old photos/hospital records that the police had kept all of these years shows in black and white just how grim my younger years really were.

On top of this he has been a shitty grandparent, forgetting birthdays ect. There's no relationship there because he put no effort in.

What are others thoughts, I look at photos of myself as a child sometimes and I'm starting to think there really is something in the idea of fixing your inner child. Does this mean you have to cut off those who didn't care about you then to be able to heal?

Would people with more self esteem and less trauma forgive this?

My brain has been taken over with police investigations and trials for the last couple of years. Now that's over I can't stop thinking about my childhood - I'd never held much blame before towards my dad, just my mum.

Appreciate anyone's thoughts on this, sorry for the long rambling post.

Gosh op I’m sorry you went through this

You should only have a relationship with him if you feel like it benefits you

You should tell him how hurt you feel by certain things he has done

Some people really do draw the joker card when it comes to their parents

Yes you can heal your inner child - this natural desire to still communicate with our parents it’s just instinctive-

It is ok to pause your relationship with him while you assess things tho

He wasn’t a good Dad, and he’s not a good grandfather. I’d just walk away to be honest.😊

He failed you then and he's still failing you now. You have to do what's right for you, but honestly, I'd cut him off and concentrate on the people who really love and support you.

It's your choice and you should make the decision based on what you want to happen.

If he's not a positive person in your life and continues to be unsupportive then it sounds like you would be better off without his influence.

You're not wrong in whatever you choose to do but prioritise yourself.

OP, I’m so sorry this happened. Realistically no one here can advise you. Are you able to access therapy and get a professional to guide you in your healing?

Your dad married a teenager with mental health problems who couldn't cope then abandoned both her and his child. You were abused and neglected and he left you.

He then half heartedly helped you regarding sexual abuse. Now he's more concerned about his image than the effect this is having on you.

I feel very angry on your behalf and know exactly what I would say to him. Family is complicated when you come from a dysfunctional background.

You can contact the Survivor's Trust, they have a good helpline and can help you find specialist counselling regarding the sexual abuse.

NAPAC are an organisation who have a helpline and support survivors of childhood abuse. I suggest you get trauma based therapy.

You can buy workbooks on inner child work. You might find it useful.

There's no right or wrong answer to this - only you know how you feel and whether your relationship with your father is helping or hindering you in the way you're processing the terrible things that happened to you.

However, I certainly think nobody would ever in a million years think you were being unreasonable if you did cut your father off completely. He failed you very badly as a parent when you were a child and he's failing you again now, in my opinion. Equally, I think a lot of people would understand that, as he was once your only 'safe' person when you were a traumatised child, you might feel reluctant to let that go as an adult.

I'm no therapist but looking at this from my own point of view as an objective outsider, I would guess that when you were younger you previously ignored your father's part in your traumatic childhood simply because a) because she was abusive to him too, you saw him as another one of your mother's victims, b) you were subconsciously clinging on to the hope that one day he might still come and take you away with him and c) if you have one parent who is as physically and emotionally abusive as your mother was, a parent who is simply absent most of the time seemed like a better person by comparison, as least when you were a child. But now that you are not a child, and you are a parent yourself, you can see things from an adult's perspective and you're realising that him knowingly leaving a small child with a violent, cruel mother was as much to blame for your awful childhood as your mother's abuse.

Ultimately, I think you might have to look at the barest bones of this and ask yourself whether your contact with your father as an adult makes you more happy or less happy. It sounds to me as if it's the latter, but that's only from reading your post.

He failed you OP, you need to let him know that and how you feel. I would try and be clear around the type of relationship you want with him

I definitely saw him as a victim too, I mean he was - she really is a vile human being. I feel like I'm only just realising(and this crazy because I'm in my forties) that it was just as bad to leave your daughter to deal with that. My mum used to love taunting me with " see your little daddy doesn't fucking love you" every time he cancelled a visit. It's extremely painful but I'm starting to think she was telling the truth. When ever I've brought these things up with him he apart from one time when he apologised will not entertain it, lots of - What was I supposed to have done, I couldn't look after a child on my own or I had it worse as a boy,
It's really frustrating to spend your life thinking you'd got over these things but this police investigation has brought up a lot of old memories and now the trials over and I'm alone with my thoughts it's driving me a bit insane... And quite angry.

I am, I wanted to have a break in between the trial ending and starting therapy just because it's been such a difficult experience.

My heart goes out to you....your parents really let you down.

He may have been a victim of your mother's abuse too but he was an ADULT victim.

You were a vulnerable CHILD and he left you in a situation that he himself had to get out of. It it was so bad it had an impact on him, the impact on you was so much more.

He let you down very badly.

You do what you need to do. You maintain contact if it's best for you and you cease if it doesn't.

Remember, you owe this man nothing. Don't be there for him when he wasn't there for you.

Counselling may help you get your head straight in terms of dealing with everything you experienced. It's a lot to process.

The survivors Trust have been a massive help to me throughout my police investigation and trial. Couldn't have done it without them.
I definitely feel like there has to be some sort of mental health issue with my mum.. I don't believe she could have just been born that evil. Saying that I still believe my dad (and pretty much anyone who's been apart of her life) was also a victim to her abuse too - which is why it's hard to hate him like I hate her.

I'm sorry you had to go through SA as a child and I admire your strength in having to reopen such an old wound and working with the police.
I didn't suffer SA as a child but I suffered every other form of it at the hands of my mother who I've been NC with for 30 years. My dad was the gentle, patient, nurturing parent and I realised much later in life that this sharp contrast was the reason I'd put him on a pedestal and been willing to overlook some pretty poor behaviour. Like you, my dad remarried, had a couple of children and despite my attempts to see him, he prioritised his second family over me to the point I rarely saw him growing up.

Things came to a head for me following the death of a family member and I found myself being drawn back to being a little girl and all the heartache and disappointment that went with it. I suffered numerous flashbacks and began to realise my inner child wasn't healed. It took a few months of examining the circumstances the flashbacks took me back to and looking at them through the eyes of an adult and asking myself, what would I think of the behaviour of the adults in that scenario? A lot of it was my mother's behaviour but some of it was my dad's too, (not abuse but not being around either to protect me or for me to confide in either.) It was at this point I realised that whilst he had been the better parent, he'd been culpable in leaving me to my fate at the hands of a nasty, bitter, violent and vindictive woman. I've forgiven my dad because I believe he was weak rather than malicious and he has his limitations. I can't say what you should do in regards to your dad but it is a good exercise to look at the childhood scenarios you faced and ask yourself if the young you was someonelse's child and you were witnessing what was happening to this child, what would the adult version of you think, say or do.

I found it a very painful and emotional but ultimately healing process.
Wishing you all the best x

Lots of difference in our stories but some similarities. Abusive montrer. I have similar memories of my dad coming to my room saying he basically didn't know how to stand up to her. My dad never left but hid from her in the pub instead. I was abused from outside the family, I was an easy target and didn't understand healthy relationships. It was at the time I made disclosures that my parents tried to hush me up worried about how they would be seen.

I thought I'd moved on accepted they did the best they could. For me it was when I became a mother myself I started questioning the relationship with my parents. The idea of acting how they did if my child made such a disclosure really highlighted how terrible they were to prioritise their social standing over their dd safety. I periodically tried to distance myself but feels like everyone pressures you to keep contact with parents in real life. Lots of time you read on mumsnet they are toxic cut them out but real life people are all "but they your parents you only have one mother/father".

Like you I blamed my mother. It wasn't until years later I realised my father failed me just as badly.

I know this is cold. And that's why I name changed for this comment but it's the truth. By the time I realised I should have cut them out my parents were elderly and I decided not to risk my inheritance. My dad is now dead and I was not bothered by it. When my mum goes I can't see I will be bothered. I figured they failed me utterly but why cut them out when that just deprives me if the only thing they would ever have given me= inheritance.

So while it's cold and an awful thing to say I will say it. If you have inheritance due then consider that. If he's moved on had a new family and you won't be inheriting what does continuing a relationship serve you?

But you are absolutely right. Your dad is as bad as your mother. Knowingly letting a child be abused by their other parent is as bad as doing it yourself

I don’t think there is a single answer to this and I am very sorry for your experiences but with some cross over of experience I’ve gone with dropping my parents.

Like others have said about your Dad, he failed you then and now and personally I found it very hard to be present for my parents issues when they were at least partly responsible for my issues. There was no emotional safety with my parents and I strongly believe you need a lot of emotional safety to heal from abuse. Is there any emotional safety with your Dad?

There is more than a bit of narcissism to the behaviour of expecting your children to save your feelings when you had little to no care for their feelings growing up.

There is a middle option of stepping back for as long as you need but again from personal experience that just didn’t work for me because once I had acknowledged the level of dysfunction I just didn’t want to be around it anymore but you could be far more tolerant than I am.