Partner says something but actions speak different

[Believewhatisee]

Hi all
Just after some direction.
My partner of 5 years says things in anger/moments of heated discussion that don't match up to his actions.
I don't know if I should believe his words or actions?

So at times he tells me (after I push him for clarification on major matters between us) that's I'm not enough, he's unhappy with me, he hates a part of me etc. I think it's deflection if he does this then the issue I am trying to discuss with him is redirected onto me, who lacks confidence and does seek validation in other unfortunately. I know this is pathetic but I have childhood trauma I haven't really fully recovered from.
I'm convinced he is also suffering from some sort of trauma as he shuts down at any sign of conflict and cannot manage conversations much about himself and without assassinating my character. Recently I asked about his lack of communication and how it's affecting us and he said 'I don't think you are enough for me I will need something else to distract me - he meant a project not a women'.

The issue is his actions don't match up. He's thoughtful, kind, gentle, allows me to progress my career by supporting me, will take over childcare duties as and when required. He's generous in nature and with money - big milestone birthday he went all out arranged a trip to a destination on our bucket list, organised childcare etc. He is reliable and present and for the most part I feel like a unit who functions properly. But then there are moments when he is challenged about things he doesn't want to or asked about the future he shuts down and assassinates me to shut me down? But his actions are working towards a future. He always reminds me how I am good for him and I've helped him become the person he is.
Currently he's not in the house - he hasn't made contact other than when he came to see shared child and said to me I misunderstood what he meant.

He has made no effort to message or call or address my hurt:

Am I a builder who will just get outgrown by this project? They say action speak louder than words but I find here the words contradict the actions in the opposite way.
Do not get me wrong he makes me so angry at times but I do think at our age it's just bad habits that have accumulated and this is as good as it's going to get?

I know I will get slated for this but here I put it.

Sounds very confusing for you. You may get slated and the LTB brigade, but it looks to me that he has a real issue with conflict and he says whatever will shut it down, often the most hurtful things. Which works for him so he doesn’t have to address any trauma, but not for you.
Having trauma is never pathetic and it’s not your fault.
Also a partner is not meant to fulfil every need in his life. Let him have his projects (if he means whacking something with a hammer, not if he means another woman!).
In answer to your question, you might be or you might not. You’ll probably need to have that conversation with him.

It's pretty obvious what's going on; he doesn't like being challenged and doesn't want to change or compromise. He's training you to stop challenging him.

He's nice as pie when everything goes his way.

This is probably one situation where therapy together could be really useful, having a middle man there to help you both communicate better, if you didn’t want to walk away.

If giving him the benefit of the doubt then you can work on communication, but you both have to actively want to, actively work on that, and commit to being better. If he’s not prepared to do that then show him the door because the things he is saying are not okay and what happens the day your children hear it?