Estranged from family

[Chickencuddle]

Im angry at myself for letting myself be vulberable. But thats where ive ended up again.
I was placed in foster care around age 12/13. Didnt speak to any of my family since apart from my grandmother (and even thats complicated) Noone else tried to contact me. Ive felt so alone all these years. I think my dad must have told them i was lying or social services got it wrong. I dont know. Hwever my cousin has since contavted me asking what happened. She has seen things and doesnt know if she wants cpntact woth him and also definitely doesnt want her childreb near him. She also said she wanted a relationship with me and was sorry for the lost years etc.
I was wary and didnt tell her exactly what happened but did say i thouvht she was making the right choice keeping her kids away from him.
Since that she said sorry for believjng rhe adults and she was so lovelt. But takes weeks to reply to a message. I asked her if she wanted contavt and i said i understood if not as its complex and she is still involved qith everyone. She said she did want contact. But now its been 6 weeks and she hasnt replied to me.
Im torn between sge has a busy life and jyst doesnt have time but part of me feels used and sad and worry that she just wanted information.
Not sure what to do.

It sounds like she wanted more information about what happened, maybe out of curiosity or it could have been what she said it was because she was worried about something. Either way it doesn't sound like she wants to remain in contact with you at this time, I'm sorry.

Are you 100% clear on what happened and why? It sounds like there are things you are unsure about surrounding what happened? Is there anyone you can talk to to clarify everything in your own mind, do you have a social worker?

Tbh its really effected me having her message me it brought back alot of things. Ive nevet talked to anyone about exactly what happened and im struggling a bit. I keep thinking of thismngs i dont want to and sometimed my body reacts like its back there. I know i sound crazy its hard to explain. But for example i was in asda and id just had memories flashing up in the car and i wa skind of in a daze and felt scared and vulnerable and horrible and then a friend saw me and said my name and i jymped oht my skin flattened myself against the fridge and was breathing hard couldnt calm nyself for a minute felt like i was back there. Friend looked concerned and asked if i was ok. I said i was fine. What else could i say. Then after i didnt finish my shop felt like i was gping to have a panic attack.
But i keep pushing it down. Im getting on with life. Im hppy with my family but the past keeps coming back.
I think i need counselljng but i cant afford to fall apart rivht now.

I'm really sorry, op. I'm estranged from my family. If someone contacted me asking me for my side of the story, I would 100% think that they were phishing.

I think she was seeking information from you and doesn't actually want to have a relationship with you. I'm sorry to be blunt, and hope that its just me projecting

But, how would you have a relationship with her anyway? You've presumably worked hard to build yourself up from their shit. You'd be sending yourself right back there by entertaining this woman, who, from the sounds of it, just wants the 'tea'

Sorry 😞💕 - I think that you sound amazing though x

Counselling would be a good idea. I'm the same. I'm trying to get out of my home town and dream of a life away from these memories

I think I'd make this a priority alongside your new family xx

Im in a whole different country and memories still effectibg me although it is better here.
My husvand thinks im desperste for family. He told me not to reply. But i was hoping id get my c9usin back. We were close growung up and shes same age as me. She said she believed what the grown ups told her. She was so sorry. She never did anything to hurt me.

Should i message a final message. A prt of me is angry and another part understands and its not her burden.

I speak from personal experience.

Sometimes the only way we can heal from past events is to start again. Find some inner peace, get some counselling, and start again. Build relationships with who you are, not what’s in your past. It’s very difficult and very sad, but you owe it to yourself to lead a good and happy life- free from drama, anxiety and sadness.

what does your heart tell you to do?

there are people who have come back into my life that if we’d met in other circumstances we’d have been good friends. But having them around me doesn’t let me move on. I’ve had to leave them
behind to protect my mental health.

good luck, listen to your heart objectively. I hope you heal in time.

You can reply. You can tell her there are no hard feelings and lay it to rest. And just move on. Whatever feels really right is the rigjt answer for you. Sit on it for a few days to make sure you’re doing what is right for you.

Update: i messaged her sayin:

" maybe youre really busy or maybe youbdont actually want a relarionship. Either way i just want you to know theres no hard feelings. This isnt your burden to bear. Hope youre happy and well. Take care."

She messaged back a voice note saying that her and her husband are seperating and that its been really hard and busy. She said she does want a relationship with me.

I messaged back a message saying hoq sorry i was she was having a tough time etc and she messaged meback saying rhank you for thw kind words. I then asked how she was feeling right now? She didnt reply and hasnt since.

I hope shes pk and think shes just having a really hard time. I jyst wonder if it will ever get to the point of us actually having some kind of relationship

I hope you get the happiness you deserve girl ❤️

Maybe tread lightly and take things with a pinch of salt. I wouldn't advise helping her through her divorce. It's up to her to contact you and make the effort.

It sounds like she’s going through a lot and reevaluating a lot. While it’s human to be very sympathetic to that, it could mean that she needs more from you than you can afford to give right now. Or that she’ll walk away when she’s got what she needs. Just tread carefully and make sure you are looking after your own needs.

I would imagine that this is all very triggering for you. You’ve been through a dreadful experience and have probably managed by trying not to think about it. Now the cousin is digging up all those bad feelings. I’d say it’s therapy time.

I am also estranged from my family and have no doubt that lots of lies have been told about me. I’ve moved away and got a new life. To hell with the lot of them (and the ‘neutral’ ones who really just side with the abuser). I think you need to put this cousin on a back burner and get therapy. You don’t need them in your life because you’ve done perfectly well without them. Good luck xxx

But ive always longed for some kind of fsmily. Ive akways been totslky alone. Sometimes feels like i dont have a link to my childhood self. Did my life onky start when i was a teenager? But u have good memories of her.
That doesnt realky make sense i know.
Its definiteky been triggering. Ive pushed it all down for a long time and its come uo before and ive akways been abke to push it down but this time i cant. I definitely need therapy. But i jyst dont have time things are crazy busy (or the money)

If you are in the UK you can self request counselling. You won’t get much but you’ll get some. And fairly quickly.

Plus it can be online.

How do you self request?
Im also scared im not ready and i cant afford to have a mental breakdown.
Also jyst dont know when id have time to go.

I am very sorry to hear that you have had so much trauma and wish you peace and healing. I would suggest you tread carefully with this cousin. You don’t know her true motivations - she could be in cahoots with one of your abusive family members who is getting her to obtain information from you. Some people love sticking themselves in the middle of a family drama.

Also, she is going through a divorce and may be looking for someone to lean on. Do not take on her burden, you have enough to cope with. Remember, she hasn’t been in touch with you all these years, until now, something has motivated her to do so.

Her contact has clearly triggered very painful memories for you, you are perfectly entitled to shit that door again to protect yourself.

You live in a different country so realistically any relationship you did have with your cousin would be one of occasional correspondence, you may not ever actually meet in person.

I would encourage you to focus on the fact that you do have a life with your DH and are not alone. Do you have children? You also have friends who care about you in your new life. So focus on these positive connections and leave the toxic past in the bin where it belongs.

Self- refer via here: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

Is it jyst England? I live in northwrn Ireland

There may be different arrangements in NI as things are organised by regional heath trust, rather than centrally. But there will definitely be counselling services available. I would suggest making an appointment with your GP as they will know what services are available and should be able to make a referral for you. Wishing you all the best.

Be aware, she absolutely could be a lovely person and someone you want to reconnect with. She still isn’t going to be able to do much about that right now.

She’s in a place of turmoil with her divorce and is also rethinking her childhood. She won’t actually be able to move quickly

We have messaged a dew times since but she nromally takes a long time to reply. While im waiting for the reply for weeks sometimes i am feeling alot of abandonment and "im not good enough" she doednt like me. Etc. I oftennkeep things in that j think might hurt others to hear and now wonder should i have said more. She was talking about wanting tk meet uo and how we could arrange that etc. But now back to short messages. And long waits. Not sure what to do or if theres anything to do. Butnits hard. Ots triggering and i cant bury things like i used to. I thikk at some point im going to have tk go to therapy but putting it off fpr the right time . Scared of breaking down and going throuvh things which are painful. Dont want to become a shell like i used to be. Ive come so fsr. Hut at the same time if i dont do anything i dont know what will happen. Already getting flashbacks and racing heart and shaky at times.