How far is too far?

[mymaternityleave]

When I go back to work I’ll hopefully be doing 3 days. DH is a shift worker and won’t be able to reliably leave work at very short notice, so I will be the one to collect DC if needed.

My base location varies and I do outreach work in the community. I will hopefully have one day WFH but the other two days I will be nearest 35 mins away and furthest 1.5hrs away.

The distance away isn’t something I gave thought to while pregnant but I am thinking hard about it now. As it is, I am already dreading going back and don’t feel like I can be away from my baby.

Any realistic advice welcome from mums who know what life with a toddler is like. I do have to return for minimum 3 months otherwise I owe my maternity pay back but not sure how viable it is long term, much as I enjoy my role.

Do you not have any family or friends locally who could be a contact to collect if needed?

It's pretty common for "newbies" to get ill when they first start nursey so you will need to factor the potential your DC may get poorly at some point, into your plans. It's not just the call to collect either but the fact they may be need to be at home whilst poorly.

It's crap and not forever and maybe you little one won't be adversely affected but realistically you need a plan in place for illness and calls to collect.

I was 1.5 hours away when I had my youngest, DH was often away and no family support. I worked 3 days. It was hard because DS was ill a lot at the start, but we got through it. Needs must and all that. Sounds like the 1.5 hour thing won't be every day so should be fine?

I dreaded returning to work after my first DC, I feel your pain. I set up a reciprocal arrangement with another mum (we met at antenatal classes) to pickup as and when needed. Don’t think about giving up your career just yet, see how it goes. Maybe another role, closer to home might come up. Good luck!

Your husband can leave work at short notice in case of an emergency with his child. You might find your employer gets fed up of bearing the brunt of thus if they know only you are responsible for emergency care.

If you’re 1.5hrs away and DH can’t / won’t collect then that’s just how it is. They call you, you explain you’re 1.5hrs away, and your child just has to wait to be collected.

Does your DH not have a phone with him at work, can he be contacted but not leave, or he just couldn’t be contacted?

I really would try to start on an even 50:50 on child related leave. ‘I did today, you need to do tomorrow.’ From experience it’s hard to dial back from being the default emergency parent, and the assumption that your job is more flexible than his. Most jobs can be flexible for emergencies with only a few exceptions

I think you’ll be fine. You’ll likely have to take some time off for the inevitable nursery sickness period when they start but if you chose to be sensible with when you send them in (such as never sending them in if they need medication to manage their temp etc or if they’re sleepier than normal) it’s probably very unlikely you’ll get a call about an early collection. I’ve had only one call in over a year and a few months.

1.5 hours was untenable for me. It's not just the time taken to get to them in an emergency, it's the sheer time suck of 3 hours a day commuting. But mine was every day, so if it's not going to be too often for you, you could probably muddle through. I'd treat the three months as a trial period and then reassess, but you need to get your DH fully on board with sharing the emergencies - even if you change jobs, you'll be really busy trying to learn, train, get up to speed etc.

The distance is fine - they'll just need to manage. Your bigger issue will be when they can't go in at all, or have to stay home for 48hours after sickness.

You do need to come up with a plan with your husband - the fact that it would be difficult doesn't actually preclude him from doing it. Is it actually impossible? Or does he not want to have that (perfectly reasonable) discussion with his manager? I wouldn't be overly thrilled if someone in my team was always the person on call for emergencies. It's a shared child, it should be a shared responsibility.

Yes it is impossible due to his job x

Well, in an emergency he could, but he won’t be able to answer the phone whenever and won’t be able to just drop work and leave immediately

DH and were were both 1.5hrs away from our twins when we went back to work after parental leave (they were 11 months) – and that was 5 days a week. They had just turned 2 when Covid hit and then we both WFH. They are now in year 2 and both have Mon and Fri WFH and rest of the week I'm 1.5hrs away and he's 40mins away.

Neither of us really minded being that distance away though – if it really bothers you then that's different. Yes, they sometimes got ill and required picking up. We would just leave work and got there as soon as we were able.

I think it would be helpful to reframe away from describing something as having to be an 'emergency' in order for him to leave work. There's only a tiny number of jobs where someone actually couldn't. When you're a parent, it's necessary, so you do it – full stop.

Is he a surgeon by any chance?

I commute 2 hours each way, I always just asked nursery to call asap if DD needed collecting and they knew my distance. They’re really good about it & there are lots of parents who commute to and from london at our nursery. I think they’re used to it to be honest!

I would say as a PP said, reframe the collection of your baby. You and DP should be sharing the load on that as it could be stressful, unless he is the main breadwinner and you’re willing to accept his career takes priority. We are both aware of eachothers job so whoever has work that will be least impacted takes the time off, or we just take it in turns.

What's his job?