My husband sees me as a mum not a wife

[DonutEnvy]

Hi
we have 3 young kids (2 of them under 3) so a lot of the time we’re in the parent role.
I work part time 2 days but mainly am at home with the kids for now.
I do think I am a great mum to them. I feel my husband just sees me as a mum to them and not as his wife anymore. He is an amazing dad to them when he’s at home, very hands on and generally he’s been a loving husband to me.

But now, even in the evenings after the kids are in bed I have to constantly ask him to come and talk or chill with me- he’d rather just sit on his phone or play games. I know full time work and parenting can be stressful, and I do make sure on his days off he does have downtime, but I do want some time for me too.
Our intimate life isn’t what it was either, with me mainly initiating it (it was great before).

I just cried last night I was so frustrated. I am going to speak to him about this I just want to know any advice before I do.

Hmm you’ll get a mixture of replies but personally I think with 3 very young children this sounds really normal! I’m like your dh and when my dc were little I just wanted time on my own to de stress and scroll on my phone etc and sex wasn’t high on my agenda. As the dc get older things become easier (we’ve been married 18 years now). I think you should still be chatting together and having some connection but it’s a really pressurised time with children that little and work etc.

I'm a bit like your dh I have 4 children ages between 16 years and 8 months, I don't have the same energy I used to have and by the time the children go to bed I'm so tired that I like to just sit quietly and play on my phone to de-stress, my husband knows me well enough to know it's nothing personal thankfully, sex has gone down to once every couple of weeks sometimes longer, it's made harder by the fact I breastfeed and have to co-sleep at the moment as my daughter won't go in her cot so I usually have to go to bed at half 8 leaving my husband downstairs, it's not ideal but I know it won't last forever and it'll be the same for your DH when the children are older and less demanding your relationship will improve

Entirely normal op when in the parenting trenches.

You need to get out of the domestic zone Op.

Date night once a fortnight. Regular baby -sitter if you can afford it. It’s important that you develop a good contact with a reliable baby-sitter/energetic granny type anyway, pref someone who lives locally to you, for those days when things go wrong and you can’t be everywhere at once.

Sometimes it will be the very last thing you want to do but stick with it.

A night away, an afternoon away, a weekend morning together, a meal, a film, a walk in the dark, a cup of coffee in the car. Both of you need to put in the work to maintain your adult relationship. It won’t happen on its own with three very young kids. You will have to schedule it. It will feel awkward at first, but you will soon start to look forward to it.

And when the dc are older, switch to weekly.

Good luck 🌷

I meant to add that it’s useful to put the dc in front of a screen for 45 mins at a regular time once a week too, at the weekend, to have a zone where you can discuss the dc, any problems, and sort out activities for the week ahead and when the plumber is coming etc. And that means that you do NOT discuss those things on your date night which are purely for enjoyment only.

It all feels a bit silly and contrived at first but it does work.

Sorry OP I know its hard but also sounds completely normal to me. Our DCs are 5, 2 & 2. We are the same as you most of the time. After working all day and sorting kids in the evening, me and DH just sit and watch tv / play on our phones most of the night. I think its just our way of decompressing after a long day and wanting abit of quiet time.
I think if your DH is otherwise a good dad and husband then id accept the way it is for a little while. Im sure things will get easier as the DCs get older. We make sure to have a few date nights here and there even if its a meal together after kids bed time. Speak to your DH and see if you can come up with a plan to have a night a week, no phones just sit together and have some food / watch a movie. Unfortunately you wont be eachothers priority for a little while but thats ok. It wont always be like that.

Yes, well...
Every choice in adult life comes with consequences, likeable and less likeable.
I don't see this as abnormal, given you ARE a mum of three small children.

It is normal, to some degree, but your husband should still be making sure you feel loved. It's a very good idea to start addressing this openly.

I don’t think this does sound that normal. It sounds like he’s checked out for some reason. Having small children is tough, sure, but it takes one person really checking out for it to get like this.

Has anything else changed in his behaviour lately?