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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex's move causing issues

46 replies

IcantAnymore · 10/03/2025 00:15

Hello MNters,

Please help, im i the unreasonable one.
I have 17 month old who I coparent with my ex. We lived together until baby was 7 months. My ex moved back to his mum as we had a lot issues and the relationship between us was deteriorating. Things didn't get much better so we decided to breakup and coparent. Our baby continued to live with me. My ex has now bought his own place which is 1.5hrs away from us (because that's where he could afford) and is asking that I reduce our DC's attendance at nursery by 2 days so that DC can go live with him for 2days (on the days he works from home), or I come with DC because i also work from home.
Even before my ex bought his house I made it clear I was not want to live there or stay any length of time as he was already saying things to suggest that I should. We were already broken up and coparenting at the time plus I already own my own home in current location that I love.

He's now saying im being unreasonable as its difficult for him to see DC due to the distance and the fact that he still has to travel to the office 3days a week.

But he knew all this before he purchsed.
Should DC now have to forfeit 2days at nursery?
I forfeit time with my DC or now have to spend my time travelling back and forth and spend my time in a place I don't want to?

He could have afforded a smaller property closer to us but he wanted a 3 bedroom house with garden.

I am the unreasonable one?

Thank you.

OP posts:
Artesia · 10/03/2025 09:31

@NuffSaidSam - I agree. You might not like his proposal, but the idea of his mum
providing care while he WFH doesn't seem too preposterous to me (although he should be doing the collecting and dropping home given he moved).

If a mum said she had organised for her mother to provide care, I don't think posters would be saying it's unreasonable and the child should be at nursery in case the grandma is ill/unavailable. However, ex would need to realise they are his two days and if his mum isn't able to provide care it's on him to sort an alternative.

Artesia · 10/03/2025 09:32

@IcantAnymore - the bit that doesn't make sense is why you need to be there too. He collects child, looks after them at his for 2 days with his mother providing cover during work hours, then brings child home. Seems perfectly workable.

Brefugee · 10/03/2025 09:34

NuffSaidSam · 10/03/2025 09:20

My apologies, my reading is obviously not as good as yours.

Do please highlight the section where he demands that she 'upend her schedule' or demands she do all the traveling.

I can see that he's asked her to cancel nursery for two days, but that makes perfect sense if the child lives with him for those two days and he has arranged alternative childcare.

Show quote history

oh dear. Seriously.

The thing that doesn't sit right with me is the fact he wants OP to go to his. No no no.

This is trying to exert control.

OP if i were you I'd try to get something watertight, legally, in place. Is he providing child support? get that in place too.

NuffSaidSam · 10/03/2025 09:35

IcantAnymore · 10/03/2025 09:28

Ex wants me to take DC out of nursery and come work from home at his place 1.5 hrs away while his mum watches DC. He moved away and you @NuffsaidSam ,think this is a reasonable arrangement and fair on me?
@brefugee thank you for trying to explain

Edited
Show quote history

In your OP you say is asking that I reduce our DC's attendance at nursery by 2 days so that DC can go live with him for 2days (on the days he works from home), or I come with DC because i also work from home.

I think the OR is absolutely crucial.

Asking to have his DC live with him for two days a week is perfectly reasonable, including taking them out of nursery on those two days because he has made alternative childcare arrangements.

Asking you to come and work at his house is madness (but I imagine was offered because he thought you'd say no to letting him have the DC for two days).

It doesn't really matter whether I think it's a reasonable arrangement though. It matters if a court would find it reasonable. I think they would. Unless, you're about to drip feed that he's abusive or otherwise unsuitable to care for a child.

Changeissmall · 10/03/2025 09:38

Yes. Why do you need to be there? Is he expecting you to carry on being the default parent and making sure there are two women on hand to do the actual work?

I am assuming he means having DC overnight for two nights. So he or his mum collect from you or nursery after work then return after two nights. Either first thing return to nursery or to yours.

Or is he thinking no overnights? Or one?

NuffSaidSam · 10/03/2025 09:39

Brefugee · 10/03/2025 09:34

oh dear. Seriously.

The thing that doesn't sit right with me is the fact he wants OP to go to his. No no no.

This is trying to exert control.

OP if i were you I'd try to get something watertight, legally, in place. Is he providing child support? get that in place too.

Edited
Show quote history

No worries if you can't find the bit where she said that...I don't think it's there. Reading can be hard. We all make mistakes.

Sunat45degrees · 10/03/2025 09:46

OP - have you posted about this man under different names? I wouldn't normally ask, or care, but if you're the poster I'm thinking of, it's more complicate dthan this isn't it? He wants you to get back together and has always insisted you make the baby available to him according to his schedule, he threatens you ifyou don't and if you suggest you're not getting back together?

If that is the case, then you would be crazy to allow this

Even if you are a different poster, how does this work longer term? What happens when the baby starts school? I'm sorry he moved further away but it's completely unrealistic to expect that this can work. I mean, if, prior to starting school, he wants to make his contact time during the week I guess you couuld agree to that - if it also worked for you. But it's a routine tha tis goign to bedifficult to maintain long term.

DAngela · 10/03/2025 09:51

Stupid plan. He does all the driving as he’s the one who moved. Contact is to see him, not his mum. Offer every other weekend with him doing all the driving, starting off with 24hrs and moving up to 48hrs when the baby is settled. His mum can see the baby during those weekends.

If he gets two nights a week and every other weekend, you’ve got a 50/50 schedule which means he’ll have a case for school being in his area, not yours.

TiredCatLady · 10/03/2025 09:56

OP are you the one with the overstepping/enmeshed MIL who thinks your DC is “her” baby? Amongst other issues with the father. If so, absolute hard no to this.

Caroparo52 · 10/03/2025 10:18

Ridiculous idea. He chose to move away and make his life difficult. Up to him 100% to travel to see dd on his days off. Don't cave in to his utterly selfish suggestions.

woohoo77 · 10/03/2025 11:55

DAngela · 10/03/2025 09:51

Stupid plan. He does all the driving as he’s the one who moved. Contact is to see him, not his mum. Offer every other weekend with him doing all the driving, starting off with 24hrs and moving up to 48hrs when the baby is settled. His mum can see the baby during those weekends.

If he gets two nights a week and every other weekend, you’ve got a 50/50 schedule which means he’ll have a case for school being in his area, not yours.

This.

Don't allow what he's asking as the status quo, or you may have problems later down the line when your dc starts school.

Don't forget- where you live is dc home, don't allow him to blur the lines, he is the one who moved away. Dc is settled in nursery, their routine is important.

Offer every other weekend, he needs to do the driving, not you.

Yerblues · 10/03/2025 12:30

NuffSaidSam · 10/03/2025 09:12

So his suggestion is:

He has the child two days and arranges childcare for those days (his mum).

You have the child five days and arrange childcare for those days (nursery).

I don't really understand why everyone thinks he's in the wrong here! It sounds like a perfectly reasonable setup. I think a court would agree that this is perfectly fine. If anything, he could push for a more 50/50 arrangement.

He moved away - why should everyone dance to his tune?

Rubyupbeat · 10/03/2025 12:49

One and a half hours travel is nothing. When my sister moved my Dad to live with her, 2 hours away, I went every other day to see him, so your ex can't use that as an excuse.

Artesia · 10/03/2025 12:54

@Yerblues - because they are two parents who share a child, and at some point they need to put aside the whys and wherefores and look to facilitate a relationship with both parents.

I agree the one who moved away should do the driving etc, but why is it so preposterous to think a father might want his child to stay with him for a couple of nights a week? If he had no interest, wanted to be a weekend only Disney day, hadn't put childcare plans in place, he'd rightly be pilloried, But he's come up with a suggestion that could work for the next couple of years. Am not sure why that's ridiculous?

MissUltraViolet · 10/03/2025 13:03

Other than insisting he be the one that collects and drops DC back off as he made the decision to move further away, I don’t really see the issue?

I'm assuming, by the wording in your OP, he offered for you to come WFH at his as a second option to make you feel more comfortable and more likely to agree, you don’t have to choose this option and I wouldn’t.

It’ll only work for a couple of years as obviously once DC is in school full time he will have to figure something else out.

Original poster
IcantAnymore · 10/03/2025 13:28

MissUltraViolet · 10/03/2025 13:03

Other than insisting he be the one that collects and drops DC back off as he made the decision to move further away, I don’t really see the issue?

I'm assuming, by the wording in your OP, he offered for you to come WFH at his as a second option to make you feel more comfortable and more likely to agree, you don’t have to choose this option and I wouldn’t.

It’ll only work for a couple of years as obviously once DC is in school full time he will have to figure something else out.

@missultraviolet no, me coming along was the first option. He came back from his mum's literally yesterday and asked me to take DC out of nursery 2days to be at his.

OP posts:
tipsandtoes · 10/03/2025 13:43

NuffSaidSam · 10/03/2025 09:12

So his suggestion is:

He has the child two days and arranges childcare for those days (his mum).

You have the child five days and arrange childcare for those days (nursery).

I don't really understand why everyone thinks he's in the wrong here! It sounds like a perfectly reasonable setup. I think a court would agree that this is perfectly fine. If anything, he could push for a more 50/50 arrangement.

Because his plan involves the OP driving their dc 1.5 hours there and returning home then driving back up again to collect the child. Or staying the night up there which is weird

Why should she be doing any of the driving? He made the choice to move. I'm incredulous that you think this is reasonable

NuffSaidSam · 10/03/2025 13:56

Yerblues · 10/03/2025 12:30

He moved away - why should everyone dance to his tune?

Show quote history

They should be working together to find the solution that works best for the child.

His suggestion is that he has her two days a week and sorts childcare for those days. I can't see that it's a diabolical suggestion.

If the OP doesn't like it she's free to counter with a different offer. She's not able to ban him from having overnight access because he moved though. A court won't back that.

NuffSaidSam · 10/03/2025 14:03

tipsandtoes · 10/03/2025 13:43

Because his plan involves the OP driving their dc 1.5 hours there and returning home then driving back up again to collect the child. Or staying the night up there which is weird

Why should she be doing any of the driving? He made the choice to move. I'm incredulous that you think this is reasonable

Show quote history

Read the OP again.

Look for the part where she says he's insisting she does the driving.

Look for the part where he's insisting that she drive the child there and then pick them up and take them home and then take them back the next day.

I think you'll struggle to find it.

What he's asking for (according to the OP) is for the child to stay at his house two days a week. This is reasonable and a standard child custody arrangement when parents separate.

HarryVanderspeigle · 10/03/2025 15:14

You need to have a proper schedule, so that you each have time when you are responsible for your child. If he chooses to have his mum do all the work in his time then he certain won't be the only man that does it, despite it being worthy of a long eye roll. In his time you should not be staying at his property or paying for childcare. Then if nursery is the option while you work, that is for you to decide.

tipsandtoes · 10/03/2025 21:58

@NuffSaidSam
If you read all the OPs posts she says the idea of her 'coming along' was his first plan.
How would she be coming along if not by travelling to and from his place?

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